5 ways to prove to your annoying friend that you’re definitely, for sure, absolutely not addicted to social media

Or anything else they’re claiming you’re addicted to

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So your friend has decided to quit social media because they read the title of an article about why social media is the devil’s sister and it will ruin your social life and Mark Cyborg is watching you masturbate.

For the sake of the story let’s call this friend of yours Derpino Fasqial Artesano, or Derp F. Art for short.

Not only has Derp decided to quit social media, he’s constantly trying to force you to do it too. Because even though it’s only been 2 days since he quit, he can already feel his mind elevate to higher level of consciousness only experienced by the likes of Buddha, Einstein and Dr Strange…

To protect you from the annoyance of having to deal with this, I have compiled a list of 5 ways you can prove to Derp (or anyone else for that matter) that you’re definitely, for sure, absolutely not addicted to social media (or whatever thing “an expert” said you should quit in their TED talk):

1. Tell Derp that unlike him, YOU ARE NOT ADDICTED to social media. Spending 4h a day on Twitter is a choice you make, and not an involuntary reaction to boredom or that notification you just received.
2. Remind Derp that social media is the best way to keep up with your loved ones, friends and family. How else would you know that your great friend Samito is having a baby? Calling him? Don’t be ridiculous! I don’t have his number. All I have to do is like their picture and comment “Congrats Sammy boy” and our great friendship remains intact.
3. Explain to Derp that due to your extremely busy schedule, you don’t have time to go out and mingle as the kids say. So you use social media as way to meet new, fun and interesting people like you. And even though your DMs consist of: guys who want to touch your butt — if you’re a girl; or messages you sent to girls whose butt you want to touch — if you’re a guy; there are still plenty of people you’ve met online who you interact with every once in a while by commenting on their post.
4. Remind Derp that once again: YOU ARE NOT ADDICTED! You only check your phone while you’re talking to someone when the conversation gets boring. And most people are boring most of the time. It’s not you it’s them.
5. Now last but not least and this is the most crucial step of them all: tell Derp that you can quit WHENEVER YOU WANT TO QUIT! You simply don’t want to do it right now!

Feel free to come back to this post whenever you need to remind yourself of how to prove to anyone that you’re definitely, for sure, absolutely not addicted to anything. You’ve got it all under control.