How To Know If You’re Dating An Emoji
The perils of modern day dating.
- Does he stare at you with eyes so big, so blue, so wide, so bright, so round? Do you crumble like feta as he does so? Is there a slight twinkle of light? Are they the colour of the sky?
- Is his perfect mouth slightly agape?
- Is he looking at you in absolute wonderment?
- Is he a face of few words?
- Does he have no body?
- Does he look at the world with an unbridled, unchecked happiness, an abundance of positivity?
- Do you find yourself saying ‘he’s too good to be true’?
- Does his windswept blonde hair always fall to the left?
- Are you wearing that red dress with ruffles at the end?
- Is one arm always in the god damn air, the other other arm awkwardly cocked to the side?
11. Does he tell you to put your arm down, but you’re all like, why would I do that, I’m here to dance, señor.
12. Does your brown hair fall across your shoulders in a cascade of waves?
13. Did you ask him, was this you as a baby?
14. You’re always craving a clawfoot bath, aren’t you?
15. Are red love hearts protruding from your now yellowed, smiling face?
16. A slight blush just appeared across your cheeks, didn’t it? You sicken me.
17. Did he bring one sole balloon to your party? Who brings their own balloon?
18. There’s a monkey there too, isn’t there? And the monkey is shielding his eyes from you both, like it’s all a game? Get him out of here, he’s a monkey!
19. Do you find yourself exasperating at the beauty of it all, how you found love by searching through a keyboard, did you hear yourself whispering in their ear ‘you say so much, by saying….so little’.
If you answered yes to all of the above, then I’m afraid you did swipe right on an emoji, but perhaps the emoji is more human than we first thought. If you’re reading this Spike Jonze, and it’s very likely you are because you live in the Internet, please call me about making this into the sequel for ‘Her’ (‘Lovemoji’ is my working title).
