My Entire Gossip Girl Observations After Watching It 9 Years Later
1. These people are awful.
2. My boyfriend watched this for the first time and I could hear him in the background saying “Chuck Crabcake” “Chuck Salmon” “Chuck Tuna” “Chuck Lobster” it took me ages to realise what he was doing, but now I can’t un-see it.
3. Chuck Bass is named after a fish.
4. CHUCK BASS IS A FISH?
5. I saw Chuck Bass the actor in Brooklyn in 2011. He was covered in tattoos. Brooklyn. He was in BROOKLYN. EVERYBODY HATES BROOKLYN IN THE SHOW.
6. I have no idea why everybody in the Upper East Side hates Brooklyn. How are they going to feel when Girls eventually comes out? Or when they learn that Chuck the actor was there? They need to know.
7. The loft belonging to the Humphrey’s is great, it’s like a palace to me.
8. I live in Sydney. It’s our turn to live in shoeboxes.
9. How do they commute so quickly between Brooklyn and the…Upper East Side. Or as I have taken to calling it UES UES Y’ALL (you have to say it out loud) (wait maybe this doesn’t work what am I doing)
10. Jenny Humphrey has the worst posture I’ve ever seen.
11. No one seems too perturbed by everyone cheating on each other with the same people, they all move on pretty quickly.
12. But Chuck is off limits.
13. Nobody go near Chuck if you want to live.
14. Dorota is the one true queen of the Upper East Side and don’t you forget it.
15. HAS ANYONE EVER HEARD OF DOORS? PENTHOUSE ELEVATORS LEAVE NO ROOM FOR PRIVACY PEOPLE JUST WALTZ ON IN HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE, PLS EXPLAIN TO ME.
16. Forget everything I’ve ever said about penthouse elevators, they are a dream and I want one (along with the penthouse of course).
17. Blair is everything — this actress is a legend. HER ACTING RANGE. Such range.
18. Blair has the best lines ever, they’re subtle but they’re witty “Who are you, House?!” to Chuck when he tries to investigate fake medication.
19. But what does Blair have against falafel and hommous?! (season 3, episode 20) This is criminal, she is always making slight digs at middle eastern things, this will not stand.
20. Serena — AKA Blake Lively — cannot act for shit. WAKE UP SHEEPLE, SHE IS THE WORST. Those weird sideway eye glances she keeps doing.
21. Serena looks like she’s always drunk or on drugs or something.
22. Is Chuck Bass constantly leering or is the exaggerated squint just how his face is?
23. These people are awful but I love them.
24. Lily Bass doesn’t look anything like her flashback self, her eyes were blue and now they’re brown.
25. I hate Serena.
26. Lily did right in calling the police on her, for crimes against facial expressions humanity.
27. Don’t beat yourself up Lily you magnificent creature, you did the right thing. Look, Serena wants to stay in jail.
28. Oh great, idiot Dan bailed her out.
29. Dan is many shades of idiot grey.
30. Serena is the worst character. She’s all sweet and lovely and lovey dovey and fake and happy and nice and so nice she has to lie to everyone and then when she decides to be bad girl Serena, she’s so awful at it! At least Blair is consistently evil and good and true to herself.
31. Good to see those New York Greek cups feature in here a few times.
32. Jenny Humphrey is the most evil person in the show, the facts are all there.
33. I’m tormented when Jenny and Serena are fighting because I don’t know who to hate more, they both do stupid eye things, the eye look down (Jenny) the constant sideways awkward glance (Serena) BLEURGH
34. I’m astounded Rufus didn’t take the opportunity to disown Jenny when he had the chance, he would be a hero.
35. Chuck Bass: “give me back my hotel!!” THE PRIVILEGE ON DISPLAY HERE IS UNREAL.
36. The fedoras must end they are not okay. SEASON OF FEDORA.
37. The ultimate weapon and plot device
38. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought that Rufus was an ethnic dad, dude so overprotective
39. Who wears sparkles to go identify their step-brother’s body wtf Serena
40. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA NATE IS THE EDITOR IN CHIEF OF THAT FAKE MAGAZINE HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH SUDDENLY MY LIFE MAKES MORE SENSE.
41. Okay the last two seasons are not good, I wish I could stop here but I can’t. I’ve come too far.
42. I don’t get the whole princess crazy Monaco prince thing.
43. WHY CAN’T BLAIR JUST HAVE HER FAIRYTALE ENDING ALL SHE HAS DONE IS LIE AND SCHEME HER WAY TO GLORY JUST LET HER HAVE IT THIS ONCE
44. Blair’s consistent love for peonies is the best flower advertising I’ve ever known. I must now be surrounded by them at all hours
45. Serena missed out on about two excellent men — the jailbird brother of that maniac woman and the cousin of that professor, the professor being the other excellent man. I don’t remember their names and I don’t intend on finding out. It’s jail bird and professor cousin to you.
46. We Need To Talk About Ivy Dickens And How Bad She Is But There Are Not Enough Words In The World To Articulate This So I Might Just Go Lie Down Until The Anger Leaves My Body
47. OH HELL NO SHE DID NOT JUST TAKE THAT RICH MATRIARCHY’S MONEY AND ASSETS
48. LILY, RUFUS, DON’T JUST STAND THERE
49. I can’t take any of this
50. Oh hey Lola. I like Lola.
51. I take it all back. I hate Lola.
52. The Ivy Dickens dating both Dan and Serena’s dads plot line is not okay, why are they doing this to us/me?!
53. The daughter of that guy who Serena dated is unacceptable, remove her from this show immediately, wardens.
54. Okay it’s almost over, we can do this, I’ll get my life back one day in the next day or so after the trauma wears off.
55. Veronica Mars is Gossip Girl. I did not see this coming.
56. JKS SHE JUST ANOTHER NEW YORK BLONDIE
57. DAN IS GOSSIP GIRL WTAF
58. NOWAY
NO
WHAT
HOWHELPME
59. JKS I already knew, I looked it up on Wikipedia at the very beginning
60. FYI there are five million inconsistencies throughout the series that prove Dan could never have been Gossip Girl. My theory is they didn’t really know who it would be and then decided to be controversial at the end, because it makes no sense, fight me.
And so there we have it, 144 hours of my life I’ll never get back.
Here is my list of best to worst characters:
1. Dorota
2. Eric
3. Blair
4. Gossip girl narrator Veronica Mars
5. Blair’s mum Eleanor
6. Chuck
7. Lily
8. Chuck and Lily’s relationship
9. Rufus
10. Nate
11. Dan
12. Dorota’s husband
13. Dorota’s babies
14. Dorota’s vodka
15. All the men Serena dated but did not end up with
16. All the side plot mean girl characters introduced and then banished from society
17. Serena
18. Jenny
