Unsolicited HELLP

Sunday 12:00pm: She showed up unannounced and hijacked my life. Like a storm she tore through my body, left me naked and in the shambles. She tried to take everything from me. She came so close. Hello friend.

In a world where 40 weeks is life abundant and 21 weeks is a death sentence, we landed just shy of in between. And that is how I have felt everyday since the moment that I was diagnosed with HELLP Syndrome. It feels like a waking dream; content and yet slightly uncomfortable. At any moment this dream will dissolve, I’ll open my eyes and find myself in bed, with a big round belly, needing to pee.

HELLP syndrome is a life-threatening liver disorder thought to be a type of severe preeclampsia. It is characterized by Hemolysis (destruction of red blood cells), Elevated Liver enzymes (which indicate liver damage), and Low Platelet count. HELLP is usually related to preeclampsia.” www.webmd.com/baby/tc/hellp-syndrome-and-preeclampsia-topic-overview

What is missing from the clinical explanation is the fact that delivery is the only known way to stop HELLP from progressing. It is not always successful. HELLP Syndrome is often misdiagnosed in its early stages and becomes increasingly dangerous as it progresses; it can cause renal failure, fluid buildup around the lungs and/or heart, stroke, hypertension, blood clots, to name a few.

When the doctor told me I would be delivering my baby at 29 weeks, there was no begging to save me and not the child. I could feel myself dying and not slowly. It was fast and painful. And delivery was going to be the only way she would survive. I always imagined I would be heroically screaming at the doctors to do whatever they could to save my baby. I never imagined that would mean silently agreeing with the doctors to rip her out of me 11 weeks too soon. I entered the operating theater at 5:55. I was fully prepped for surgery by 6pm. My daughter was born 5 minutes later.

Your life can change in an instant. It took six hours and five minutes and then I blinked. I am different. But I am so much more. So. Much. More.


I will miss all I missed. No first cry. No long bonding moment. No tears of joy. I will not have those moments with this child. And it makes me sad. But there will be others, and I will appreciate them so much more. So. Much. More. https://praying4mypreemie.com/2014/12/03/24-things-i-learned-in-the-first-24-hours-of-becoming-a-preemie-mom/

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Tiny Human Experiment

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Raising a feisty Tiny Human who was born 11 weeks early and weighed 1kg (2lbs 3oz).

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