Why I’m Mad At You

I’m not mad because you told me you don’t want me leaving my boyfriend in the room while I’m not here, and I’m not mad because you feel uncomfortable around him. I’m not mad because you keep your room an atrocious mess, or because you never shower and always look and smell like shit. I’m not mad because you spend a huge portion of the day in our room just sitting there, making it impossible for me to relax or feel comfortable. I’m not even mad because you kept your boyfriend in the room with us all last semester.

I’m mad because we were friends. I’m mad because I got excited when you gave me your phone number senior year of high school because I finally had a female friend. I’m mad because you mattered to me. I’m mad because you saved me from feeling incredibly depressed and helped make my summer before college fun. I’m mad because we used to have so much fun together and hang out and watch shows and go shopping. I’m mad because I used to call you my best friend.

You might be confused, but let me explain. I chose Champlain partially because I knew I’d be going to school with you. I thought we could be roommates freshman year, which made me feel so much better and less socially anxious. I was actually excited about it. But as soon as I committed to this shitty ass school, you wouldn’t hear of us living together. Thought it would ruin our friendship I believe.

So we got here, and I was scared and alone and confused and trying my hardest to be social and make friends, and you were off with Kai and completely inaccessible unless you were having an emotional breakdown. So I pushed through without you. Through the abusive relationship and the drugs and the roommate problems and everything. And finally, when I couldn’t take it anymore, you said I could move into your room in Jensen. It was a godsend, and I was actually excited about living together.

But you just kept not being there. I mean, you were physically in the room, but you were always, always with Kai. Don’t get me wrong, I like Kai, but god damn it I needed my high school best friend and some girl time and you just couldn’t be bothered. You couldn’t even be bothered to go to housing selection because you were with him, but I got you a place in Juniper anyway because I thought for sure this year would be different.

But this was just the same. You were always in Kai’s room, until you started having roommate problems. And then you were here, with him. I never got to talk to you, spend time with you, bond as roommates, anything. You were literally always so god damn deep in being around him every possible moment. And I understand, I do. But think how that feels, to be coming in second to someone all the time. Especially when it’s your old best friend doing it. You were only here as a backup plan and a last resort, and honestly that hurt like hell.

So I made new friends and figured out how to do college without you and found people to fill the hole I’d hoped you would. But then you had the audacity to tell me I couldn’t have my boyfriend in the room. And that was the last straw. Because I put up with messy rooms and feeling uncomfortable changing in my own room and people being in here and you putting stuff on my desk because I still desperately wanted us to be friends. Everyone around me said you were weird and trashy and I didn’t want to accept that because I remembered the Mckenzie who changed my entire world senior year of high school.

But god damn it I’m finally done being a door mat and letting you do whatever you want and bringing you chips and listening to you cry in the hopes that maybe you’d want to be friends still. I’m worth so much more than you act like I am and I absolutely will not sit still while you push me around and tell me what to do when you refuse to see me as anything more than a fallback option if your boyfriend is in class.