How to Write the Perfect Muslim Girl for Film
Times have changed. A couple years ago, you would have been able to write a television series or movie with a cast that has just about as much diversity as a KKK rally. But now, you suddenly have an influx of ridiculous criticism from those Twitter Social Justice Warriors: “how about some Indigenous representation?” or “why are you casting Scarlett Johannsen as a character who is supposed to be an Asian child?” or “why would you rather commit blackface than actually cast a black actor?” As I said, ridiculous criticism. But alas, it is time to put your performative activism cap on and add a little spice to the unseasoned casserole that is your cast for the sake of getting those minority viewers’ approval and praise.
Firstly, you need to introduce a character, who will be known as the Obviously Not White Token Character™. However, casting a racially ambiguous, biracial person to play as a fully Black character has been overused and overdone. No, to be able to get that praise for being “woke” and progressive from critics, you will need to go the extra step. Yes, you will introduce a Muslim Girl™.
Writing a Muslim Girl™ is simple and there are certain tropes you must follow that is a universal experience for every Muslim girl. The first is that her name must be either Fatima or Khadija. The second, and most important, is that she MUST be wearing the hijab and her entire personality must revolve around her wearing one. Everyone knows that all Muslim girls wear the hijab, most certainly forced upon them by their parents. You will introduce her as a quiet, timid girl, who lives with her immigrant parents who, despite living in America for decades, still somehow cannot speak a word of English. Her father will be a man with a raging temper and a salt-and-pepper beard; bonus points if he owns a kebab shop. The mother will be a stay-at-home wife who, for some reason, always wears the hijab inside her own home and is always in the kitchen cooking. For dinner every night, they don’t ever indulge in a cuisine other than something Arabic. Around the dinner table, the family will speak in gibberish that sounds vaguely Arabic with lots of guttural noises. There is no need to put in effort to find actors who actually speak Arabic for this part; no one actually speaks Arabic in the real world.
Fatima (or Khadija) should spend her days in her room acting as the good Muslim girl, but dreams of a day when she can be free from her oppressive, abusive parents who are always trying to marry her off to someone in Agrabah or some other Muslamic country that has nothing but camels and tents, despite her still being in high school. This is where you can finally introduce your white savior, an All-White American Boy™ who decides to do some charity work by developing a crush on poor, oppressed Muslim Girl™. Muslim Girl™ should then fall in love with All-White American Boy™, who should be played by Noah Centineo, and she should tell him about how oppressive her family is. She should then remove her hijab in a slow, erotic manner, with her long, ethnic hair cascading down her shoulders. Muslim Girl™ will then run away with All-White American Boy™, free from the evils of her father and his kebab. Without her hijab, Muslim Girl™ is suddenly empowered and liberated.
It is extremely important that at one point or another, your Muslim Girl™ reveals her hair under her hijab. This does not necessarily have to play out like the example above, where Muslim Girl™ willingly shows her hair to her white hero; there are several creative ways that you can write in the Muslim Girl™ showing her hair. One scenario that could play out is someone getting stabbed and the Muslim Girl™ who happens to be nearby whips off her hijab to use as a tourniquet, because there somehow isn’t any other thing that could have possibly done the job. Or maybe, the Muslim Girl™ gets her hijab pulled off in a racially-motivated attack; this one is very ideal, because you get to appeal to those who fetishize unveiling Muslim girls while also acknowledging that Muslims are a target for attacks, ultimately gaining you more “woke points”. The possibilities for how to get your Muslim Girl™ to remove her hijab are endless! Get creative with it!
Now that you have your ideal Muslim Girl™, it’s time to find the perfect Arabic or Southeast Asian looking actress to play the part, as there is no such thing as White, Asian, Hispanic, or Black Muslims. The actress themselves does not have to be someone who wears a hijab or even a Muslim; just cast anyone who looks like they would fit right in as a character in Aladdin, but still should fit Eurocentric standards of beauty with a tiny button nose, tanned skin that isn’t too dark, and wide, brown eyes. Actresses like Naomi Scott or Saoirse Ronan with brown contact lenses and dyed brown hair would be an ideal fit for the role.
And voila! If you follow these steps, you will have the perfect Muslim Girl™ who serves her purpose of allowing a white person to be her savior, letting your audience sexualize her for what she’s hiding under her hijab, and giving you those “woke points” that come from having an Obviously Not White Token Character™. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose; in the worst-case scenario, you can simply kill off your Muslim Girl™ by having her family murder her with an antique Arabian dagger for bringing shame to her family, as Muslim families often do.