Healthy Relationships
2 Action Steps to Save Your Relationship
You don’t have to give up on your relationship
You sit on your couch in front of the tv barely watching because you’re on your phone scrolling. You scroll through TikTok and occasionally jump to Instagram for some form of variation. Doing this temporarily takes your mind off of the issues you are having in your relationship.
This only lasts for a moment. Eventually, there is that couple on TikTok that highlights similar issues or shows what appears to be true love. Then there’s that friend on Instagram screaming happy anniversary to the best thing that has happened in their life, marrying their wife or husband. You don’t even know if you will make it to an anniversary at this point.
Everything was so great in the beginning. At what point did things start to fall apart? You think back to an argument or a moment in time that might justify the start of the issues. You wonder if you are the cause.
Wait a minute… the flags. The red flags. You wonder if you ignored them or didn’t see them. Three pop in your head instantly and you begin to beat yourself up about ignoring them.
Counting red flags isn’t helping right now. Put the flags down.
What is it that you need to do? Should you stay or should you go? You ask yourself, what would a therapist do?
Youtube is going to be your next stop. There has to be a video out there to help fix this.
After watching a few videos, you begin to feel like you have made so many mistakes. You feel might need a start over using what you have learned from the Youtube videos. Where is that “Do Over” button when you need it?
Wait, what about all that time you put in? You have invested time, energy, money, and resources. Your relationship is feeling like a stock on the stock market not yielding a dime. Should you sell before it crashes or hold out for a great comeback?
Take a deep breath and prepare to strategize. There is still hope. A relationship takes work. At this point in life, everything takes work. Don’t even look at the grass on the other side of any fence. Focus on where you are now.
Examine where you are putting in the work. Ladies it can’t be in playing private eye. A relationship-saving action step is not checking phones, installing cameras, tailing him when he leaves the house, etc.
If you are not in couples therapy to get a more detailed action step to fit your specific circumstances, these two action steps are a start You have to start somewhere.
Action Step #1: Build him up intentionally using empowering statements
Life and death are in the power of your tongue. You can use your tongue, your power, to tear down a man or a person in general. You can use that same tongue, same power, to build up that man or person in general. You have to make a conscious decision to choose “life”.
Society has painted a picture that men are supposed to be tough masculine creatures built like a brick wall to take anything that is thrown at them in stride. Women are tagged as “emotional creatures”. We need to begin to unlearn some of what society has been teaching.
In actuality, men are more sensitive than we think. They are just as emotional. How that emotion is expressed is different from how a woman expresses their emotions. If I had time in this article without making it a book, I would talk specifically about how women channel their emotions vs. how men channel their emotions. I believe we could answer some of the questions about men cheating, violence among men, unmotivated men, etc. I will pin it for another article.
If men aren’t supposed to cry or express emotions in ways where society will begin to emasculate them, then how else do they express their hurt emotions? You know those emotions when a woman yells at them, compares them, and sometimes demeans them. Let’s keep it real.
What are you saying to a man if you say to him in a high-pitched voice: “You can’t do anything right!” You are getting on my nerves!” “Why can’t you be more like Steve?” How many times do I have to tell you to take out that trash? Aren’t you the man?”
Most men will just shut down and hold it in. Women will then wonder why their man isn’t communicating.
These comments are speaking death into your relationship.
Women we must begin to hold ourselves responsible for how we talk to our men. This also applies to how we speak to our sons as well.
If you are reading this and feel that you have used phrases of comparing and/or phrases that are demeaning, then own it. The beautiful thing about being blessed with a new day is that it is a day to do things better than you did the day before.
Choosing “life” is intentional. It will get easier once you have gotten used to doing so. This step requires you to make an effort to give your man a compliment on his character a minimum of once a day or twice every other day. Warning: You don’t want to overdo it because it won’t feel sincere and he might begin to wonder if you have been watching the Investigation Discovery channel.
In order to begin, you have to STOP yelling, comparing, and demeaning. This is essential for step number two as well. You’ll see.
To be intentional with complimenting your man’s character you must first have a list of positive adjectives. I’ve provided a list below, but please find more so you can have a variety.
Positive adjectives: affectionate, ambitious, compassionate, considerate, courageous, courteous, dauntless, diligent, enthusiastic, generous, intuitive, passionate, persistent, reliable, resilient, resourceful, sensible, tenacious, and witty.
Let’s put some of these in a few sentences and/or phrases that you can use.
1. One thing I really appreciate about you is that you are very ambitious.
2. Thank you. You are so considerate.
3. I love how diligent you were in getting the plumber to come out and clear the sewer.
4. That was so generous of you. I feel really special.
5. You are witty. I find that very attractive.
This might seem simple and some of you might be gagging as you read the examples. Drink a glass of water and begin to practice.
Are you wondering how in the world is this really going to work? It works! You will notice a difference in a short period of time. Your man will begin to feel really proud of himself.
As a matter of fact, give it two to three weeks and come back and leave your testimony in the comments of this article. Share the change you see. I would love to share your testimonies to encourage others.
Action Step #2: Be his peace
In action step number one you have begun addressing your man in a calm tone and resisting talking in an angry tone. This cuts down or eliminates the nagging. Take baby steps and cut it down for now.
With the intentional compliments on his character, you are showing you appreciate him and his efforts. You are feeding his ego and making him feel both needed and wanted.
Now it’s time to ensure you are listening to him. Just like you want to be heard, a man wants to feel that you are listening to him. You assure him you are listening by your response to what he is saying. Don’t listen and then respond with what he could have done differently or how he can change something about what he is saying. Instead, support what he is saying by being positive and acknowledging his way of doing things. It might not have been the way you would have done it. However, to be his peace, you must accept the way he does things. Support his ideas and work with him to fix anything later if it needs fixing. Women possess an instinct where we know nine times out of ten if this idea of his is going to turn out good or not. Ladies, it is okay to let it play out.
The quickest way to get a man to change or do better is to support him and if there needs to be a clean-up, clean it up together. He will appreciate that you allowed him the peace to do him. He is not going to want you to have to go through helping him to fix a mess again. He will solicit your ideas on how to go about it differently next time. The Key is to let him ask. He wants your compliments. He wants you to say he’s witty, wise, and brilliant. Therefore, he will now want your input to do it better next time. Be his peace by letting him invite you, don’t go storming in. Even if he doesn’t invite you at first, he eventually will.
Peace definitions as found in Merriam-Webster:
1. a state of tranquility or quiet {this right here!}
2. freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions
3. harmony in personal relations
Use the bolded words in the definition as a guide!
Conclusion
I’ve tried these action steps with success. I have seen relationships bounce back when women put these steps into action. Could I share a few more steps? Definitely! Especially when it comes to fixing the finance debacle. However, it is better to do two things well and start there.
These two action steps are the highest leveraged action steps when working to establish, maintain or fix a failing relationship. Relationships include marriages too. You can use these in your marriage.
They are not only beneficial for men but are beneficial for women as well. Women, you will enjoy seeing your man proud, smiling, and at peace. It will feel so good not to be in harmony. You too will be at peace.
Lastly, positivity and peace open doors to healing in the other areas of your relationship. You don’t have to give up on your relationship
I hope you have found my action steps helpful. You can employ them even if you are not a business owner or aspiring business owner.
Thank you for reading my article. Please share with your friends and family. Encourage your friends and family to clap, share and comment!
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