Boredom

An array of emotions overcame me in the middle of the day, like somehow all the things that I’ve put off was riddling my subconscious causing a tightening in my chest and a plummeting feeling in my stomach. I felt like somehow the author of my destiny had just thrown in the towel and I was left to fend for myself blindly. I had an urge to scream — in hopes that the vibrations would shake off this heaviness that cloaked me. I remained silent, took in deep breaths and focused on each breath in order to find my center.

“The emptiness in boredom is due to the repression of forbidden instinctual aims.— Ralph R Greenson

This year has been a very interesting journey for me as a creative and human. I’ve learned so much about myself — seeing myself from both sides of the spectrum and finding peace within it all. This has been a very interesting voyage, with lots of ups & downs, disappointments and joys and realizing some truths about myself. I kept revisiting an old relationship in hopes of creating a different outcome with the same behavior (insane, I know), the familiarity of this turned into an insidious bad habit that only I could elude.

I didn’t keep the promises I made to myself out of fear of the unknown and felt stuck in my situation as an outcome. My boredom stemmed from feeling like I didn’t have control over my life, so I didn’t pursue my goals and I kept procrastinating on things. All of these emotions peaked it’s head in the form of an anxiety attack today which forced me to take a look within. I feel a bit of torment and a fire in my skin to make the changes I’ve put on hold for so long. There’s an anxiety associated with this realization and I know that a transformation is necessary.