12/3 @ 12:50pm Feeling Okay Doesn’t Mean You’re Okay

It’s very easy to stop focusing on healing when you feel like you’re “okay.” You stop the journaling. You drop the daily self-care practices. Ah, I don’t need to meditate today. I’m fine without counseling. Who needs medicine? Life is moving forward. You feel happy. That must mean you are, right?

Then it happens. Little triggers occur. You brush them aside. You attribute them to other things. Rationally, you understand anxiety. You’re aware of its effects and the role it plays in your life. This level of understanding and rationality allows you to feel in charge. You are in charge.

Triggers start occurring more and more. You begin to feel as if you’re drowning. Negative thoughts and insecurities start to swim in your head. Reality and paranoia become two intertwined concepts. You are not able to distinguish between the two.

Those closest to you start to suffer. You ignore phone calls. You avoid important occasions. You create imaginary conflict. All of these are merely reflections of your internal issues rising to the surface. The control you thought you had no longer exists.

In the aftermath, you realize it was that little friend who always sits with you-Anxiety. It’s been whispering in your ear the whole time. It’s convinced you that every fear you have within is a reality. You have to prevent that reality. You fall back into unhealthy coping mechanisms that make you feel safe.

You see the hurt you’ve caused. The mother who feels like she can’t say anything without it causing tension. The best friend who feels insignificant. The lover who feels like they’re always the blame and isn’t loving you in the way you need.

You love them. So it hurts to know that you cause these rifts. That you push them away. They work with you, because they love you. You appreciate them.

Sometimes being inside yourself is so hard. You’d rather be anywhere else. If you could step outside of yourself you would. There’s no easy way to explain this to others. They just don’t get it.

There’s no battle harder than when the mind works against the self.

You have to strive to make the self stronger. You have to strive to control your mind. It’s not an easy battle.

You have to remind yourself that feeling okay doesn’t always mean you’re okay. Being okay takes practice and time. Working to be okay is not a bad thing. Do not view it as a bad thing. Do not view yourself as damaged. Do not acquaint your anxiety to a negative flaw.

Do not give up on yourself. That means positively holding yourself accountable. You are not an asshole, you are not crazy, you are not selfish. You are a work in progress and in due time- you will be in control of the anxiety and it won’t be in control of you.

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