Failed again on Nofap.
I dont know if it is possible to fail at something so many times. Every time I have failed at Nofap it has lead me to try again? But what the hell am I doing it for? I fail because I dont know whether it is really worth it to make myself horny all the time and think that I willl be happy living free. I am such a loser. I cant believe I failed again. Twice as well within the space of an hour. This shit is ridiculous. For four years now I have been trying to stop watching porn and keep going back to it because I think that it would benefit my life some how. “Look at all the happy people that watch porn, look at how happy and how balanced there life is, then look at me, look at how desperate and how manic I am, I dont think nofap is working for me.” These are typical thoughts that lead to a relapse. I search for hours on nofap.com when I am about to relapse and try and look for an excuse to fap. I look for someone who says they are happy fapping.
This shit is taking over my life. Although it is obsessing my mind, I still will be obsessed about nofap if I give it up.
If i did give it up and said it is okay to watch porn and fap as much as I like I would probably be watching porn two hours a day at least. I dont think that will be too healthy although sometimes when I want to relapses I think why isnt that healthy? Why do I even care, if I am having a good time, why should I care about anyone else or what they think of me? It’s like I dont want any control in my life. I know can do nofap but its just sometimes it doesnt make sense. Like how is masturbating different than having sex, it isn’t really. You release semen there so therefore you will lose all your energy you have by semen retention. I guess as I said before it is different because at least it will help your relationship by not fapping at every instant.
Sometimes the reason I stop is because I think no-one likes me when I am not fapping. WIthout masturbating all the time you do become a bit more aggressive and assertive and I think people dont like that therefore nofap doesnt help my life as it makes me less popular and unhappy. So why am I back on it?
I guess I am scared I will lose the benefits and dont think it is that big of a deal not to do it, I just need some will power and cant believe that it will help everything in my life. Will I be happy with it? I wont be happy all the time either way. But nofap will not harm me. I am sick of relapsing though, I need someone’s help. I feel all alone and need some psychiatric pills to calm me down. I am going to have a chamoille tea hopefully that will help. Today has been a terrible day.
Fuck this internet dating as well it is making me feel sick. I am sick of going on plenty of fish to try and get a date but I am addicted. I am addicted to so much youtube. I am so addicted to that. I am addicted to my playstation although I dont see that as an unhealthy addiction. I guess it is all about what you are looking at on youtube. The videos I keep looking at are stupid slutty women just talking about their sex lifes. All the videos are pointless for example “Nika Vegan” who just talks about bullshit. She seems like a nice girl but are videos are just about sex and just to get views i.e. clickbait. They just attract horny men who masturbate to her. I need to get away from this shit to have a purposeful life. I would like to know the truth with this Nofap though like nothing has actually gone wrong since I fapped but i guess it would probably be the same if I took a small amount of cocaine. Its just something I shouldnt do. I know the reasons not to my conscious always tell me not to, but do I listen? Like Hell do I do. I just dont care its like I like this pain.
From now on I can only look to the future and stop this doing this shit and stop going on pointless videos. If they are just about sex there isnt any point in them. Nofap all the way.and lets hope it lasts this time. I need to worry God has got me. Everything will be fine.
I have said this a hundred times it is making me feel really suicidal now. Well not actually but it is making me hate my life. Like should just fap 4 hours a day. Always chasing the orgasm, what a shit life that will be. But my life is shit anyway, guess I should try and concentrate on shit that will actually make me happy like trying to get a new job. But I look for a fucking new job 2 hours at least every day fucking day and get no where that is making me sick as well. Might as well just shoot myself best thing to do. No-one will care that much anyway. My parents might a bit but at least wont have to live no more with all this pain I have all the time and sad feelings.
Medium is so boring it always the same shit. “How to be happy” them posts can just fuck off nothing but the same old shit. Happiness is bullshit no point looking for it you wont find it fucking shit heads. Life is just a waste of time. Everyone might as well just kill them self.