my grade will not represent me

today i woke up after a restless night of no sleep. blame the heat, or blame my thoughts that like to suddenly find their way to my head at odd hours of the night. but when i woke up, it’s like someone sprinkled some common sense on me.

i don’t like to admit when i’m at my most vulnerable, probably because too often, i don’t like to show it. but this postgraduate course that i’m on has really tested my limits and i have never been more stressed in my life than i have been on this course. that, and with a few other things going on in my personal life, not really a successful triumph.

it’s really testing my patience.

you want to be where you want to be, and you will be, just in due time. but its’s those obstacles along the way that make it seem like you will never get there. it makes what is a temporary problem/issue, feel like an issue for a lifetime. i know it sounds like i’m overthinking things here but hey, that’s anxiety for you.

so excuse my language but, things are pretty shit. i’m expected to learn a shit load of content, in a miniscule period of time, to then produce in a set time limit- which is not representative of the actual role. i try to remind myself the reason why i’m on this course in the first place, and that’s because i’ve been inspired. i want to help people. and i care about people. but it’s not always easy to remember those reasons why.

when i first realised that this is what i really wanted to do, it was like pieces of a jigsaw coming together, and it fit. maybe not perfectly because that is yet to be determined and nothing is ever ‘perfect’ but, it felt right.

today i woke up and i had to remind myself the reason why i chose this course in the first. i care about people, and i want to help people. perhaps sometimes, i care too much but, i am passionate in helping others who may or may not have had similar experiences to me. i want to tell them, that hey, i totally get it. or maybe i don’t get it but either way, i want to help. help make a difference, whether it’s big or small. either one will give the biggest dose of job satisfaction.

today i told myself, no exam, no assignment, and certainly no grade can represent that passion in wanting to help others. you can’t be ‘taught’ to care. you can’t be ‘taught’ to have that desire to help others. it comes from within, and its something that is harvested by you- not others.

to carry out the job i want to do, heck this is probably applicable to every other role, you need to have that desire to care. to help. it’s what makes us human and it’s this specific reason that i personally feel like drives us all to succeed, and to do better. but not at the cost of your mental health or self worth.

this is becoming a bit waffly, and again, i’m letting my thoughts run wild but to reign it in and to hopefully provide a summary of sorts: i won’t let my grade define my ability, my passion to help and care for others. yes, it is important to pass those exams, because i have to have some competence for the role, but its not always about those grades. sometimes, a pass is enough.

and i need to allow myself to remember the reasons why.

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