The following data is a composite of national, state, and local exit polls from the contiguous U.S. (AK and HI exit polls are not yet available) starting at approximately 4:00pm EST. Please note: exit polls do not reflect the outcome of any election.
[4:02pm EST] Early numbers suggest a higher than expected turnout rate for new voters, minority voters, and people that were just curious why there was a line out the door at the library.
[4:27pm EST] Amongst women voting for congressional candidates, 65% identify their number one issue as “Forcing the old, rape-y turd-men into early retirement,” where the entire remaining 45% simply gave pollsters the finger and said, “Time’s up. Our turn.”
[4:59pm EST] In states with an incumbent Democrat facing a Republican challenger, 31% of voters are curious “If that thing’s gonna happen where a bunch of pizzas just show up while we’re waiting in line.”
[5:08pm EST] 31% of voters are disappointed that a pizza did not arrive while they waited in line.
[5:31pm EST] Millennial voters in the Midwest are leaning favorably blue (55% across five states). 18% answered the question Red or blue? with “white.” 25% ran past pollsters with their heads down and put on red baseball caps once within the shelter of their cars.
[5:46pm EST] 7% of latinos in traditional swing states identify as “Sticker Heads,” claiming the only real reason they participate in the election is to receive an “I Voted” sticker.
[6:14pm EST] In Texas, an exclusive exit poll of Ted Cruz suggests the longtime voter and sort-of senator made a “nervous piddle” in his voting booth and was unable to complete his ballot.
[6:39pm EST] 9% of Rust Belt voters turned out in burnt orange suspenders.
[6:49pm EST] 24% of suburban voters find pollsters (regardless of gender or sexual identity) “fuckable.”
[7:00pm EST] Rural metrosexuals ages 62–65 rank in the top 5% of “Unlikely stereotypes to participate in hyper-specific exit polls.”
[7:07pm EST] In urban districts with wait times exceeding two hours, 73% of voters made a quip at some point to the tune of, “This is worse than the DMV, am I right?”
[7:40pm EST] 42% of men and women ages 25–65 that identified as having voted for Donald Trump in the 2016 General Election went waaaaaay out of their way to tell pollsters they’re not racist.
[8:25pm EST] Women: About 50%; Men: Also about 50%.
[8:57pm EST] A dominate 88% of polling place workers agree that volunteering to assist in the election process was “in hindsight, a dumb fucking idea.”
[9:13pm EST] Of the 3% of voters who claim to have cast a write-in candidate in any race, 0.000000019% seem like the kind of people you’d be okay accepting a Facebook friend request from.
[9:48 pm EST] 98% of voters exiting polling places with their genitals fully exposed identified as “Re-pube-lican” or some drunk-slurred variation of the same disgusting pun.
[10:11pm EST] Registered voters who are “Wholly disillusioned by the status (or stasis) of this unrecognizable America — this radicalized, politicized cesspool of isms we are forced to treat as potable water” seem to have shown up in greater numbers than normal, we think. But fuck, it’s hard to tell if it will be enough.