Translating a Job Description: How to Know if You’re Applying to Work in Hell

To save you time I wish someone had saved me much earlier in my career before my superhuman people-reading skills were honed, I’m going to translate an actual job posting I encountered on LinkedIn so you know exactly what to avoid as you embark on your job hunting journey. In fact, a lot of this applies to dating as well!

My comments are in italics and parenthesis below. I left all of the bold and caps the original poster used.

This will be the most challenging and the most rewarding position you’ve ever had. (I am going to work you to the bone while telling you that it’s good for your resume or character or whatever else I think will motivate you. It should be noted that I can’t ever be bothered to learn what actually motivates you but will instead most likely offer verbal praise and material gifts because that is what motivates ME, and I am the only person I have ever bothered to get to know.)

What You’re Signing Up For

The opportunity to look inside the mind of a successful, fast paced, intense, some times chaotic, passionate, easygoing, adventurous 37 year old entrepreneur. (I am a total narcissist. I am faux-admitting my ‘flaws’ as a twisted humblebrag about being complex.)

Your primary focus will be to protect his time, financial interests, image/brand and multiply his effectiveness. (When I say ‘multiply my effectiveness,’ I mean to say I expect you to do the work of multiple people so that I don’t even have to do the work of one. However, because one of the people whose work you will be doing is me, I will be taking any credit earned. You’re lucky to be in the presence of greatness.)

You will NOT accomplish this simply by doing what you’re told. You will need to know the desired outcomes, prioritize your time and projects — and make your own decisions as to how to best accomplish our goals. (I will give you several over-broad objectives to accomplish without any of the tools to accomplish them, act annoyed when you ask me for clarification, and then blame you when they are not executed to my exacting and constantly-arbitrarily-shifting standards.)

From the inner workings of business operations, high level social soirees, business negotiations, property management and business travel — to handling and owning the challenging moments and tasks that a successful business and bizarre, interesting personal life is built on, you’ll get to experience it all first hand. (Humblebrag no. 2 about being complex. I am going to insist that you work not only regular office hours but also most evenings at social functions of my choosing and tolerate my insufferable personal fetishes and quirks with a smile because my life is so ‘glam’ and you are lucky to be a part of it. I will later throw in your face how I ‘allowed’ you to come to said required events as a perk of your job.)

With a close relationship, you’ll learn his personality and voice and ultimately manage the majority of his day to day activities, scheduling, correspondence, project management, research, & errands — among other activities. (I expect you to learn to read my mind so that you can actually begin to do my entire job for me because I have earned the right to not have to think or clearly communicate in order to be effective anymore.)

If you want to clock in and clock out of your job — this isn’t for you.

Expect after hours calls and weekend calls from time to time.

Life doesn’t stop when the work day does — High performers work until their tasks are done, NOT just until the clock runs out.

(I own all of your time. All of it. You are never even having sex again. Ever. Or walking your dog in peace. Or attending any funerals without your work cell on. I own you.)

If you want to understand and be involved in business at a level that most never do — you’re in the right place. (I have to make this seem super exclusive to attempt to justify to you the living hell you are about to be in.)

INCREDIBLE Organizational skills, Intellect, honesty, great communication — and being very technically savvy are imperative — but there’s nothing in this world that can replace dedication, hard work and follow through. (I want you to have all of the character traits I don’t have so that I don’t have to.)

Great businesses and people are built with excellent teams behind them. The right person will have the opportunity to help uplift the CEO to new levels; personally and professionally — and gain an unparalleled education while doing so. A desire to lead from behind and persist until the job is complete is critical. (I want you to literally drag my ass behind you while you work yourself into the ground, and I receive credit for being CEO. Don’t even think about questioning my priorities, my delivery, my inability to understand detail, or my refusal to read any communications between us for the sake of effectiveness while you drag my ass behind you, either.)

Are you ready to take your life to the next level? (*Circle of hell.)

If it looks like you’ll be a good fit, your role will include (but is not limited to):

Making the CEO look good, feel good and perform at a higher level (Constantly stroking my toxically-masculine ego and coddling my male fragility.)

Miscellaneous tasks for CEO — Personal & Business (from coffee to contract execution) (Be prepared to cancel my personal dates, make apologies to hotel management staff when I trash hotel rooms, and put your name on the dotted line when I fail to show up for contract execution meetings because my coke come-down isn’t going as smoothly as I’d hoped it would and I’m now three vodka sodas into 10am.)

Organizing the ongoing, never-ending list of tasks that need to be done (It’s never-ending primarily because I have the attention span of a toddler on speed with the agonizing ability via wealthy entitlement to indulge my every idiotic whim without regard for linear strategy or a system of priority. Attempting to manage me whilst being treated as if you are incompetent for not being able to read my mind and anticipate my ever-shifting moods and standards- i.e. being gaslighted-should be great for your sleep cycle and blood pressure.)

Traveling to events with CEO

Organizing live events

Orchestrating travel for the team

Organizing EPD events with local companies

(You need to also manage everyone around us and be a professional events planner which is an entire independent profession that people train for years to master but YOU’RE ORGANIZED, RIGHT?)

Organizing & keeping the EPD office awesome (clean up, supplies, organization, etc) (Wipe the toilets, underling.)

Maintaining and creating digital assets

Writing articles

Online research

(You need to also be a reporter- in the spare time between cleaning my office and doing my job for me- which is also an entire independent profession that people take years to master, but you’re super great at multi-tasking, RIGHT?)

Interaction with a variety of entrepreneurs

Managing CEOs personal calendar

Miscellaneous tasks for CEO — Personal & Business (Especially personal tho let’s be real.)

The Ideal Candidate Has These Qualities

RESULTS-DRIVEN

Highly organized — No really… must be unparalleled in the “being organized” category (I believe ‘organization’ is the only virtuous skill I don’t possess and is the key to unlocking my full potential. Never mind the fact that YOUR being organized won’t actually ever translate into MY learning to communicate effectively or stay on task or becoming a decent human being overall.)

And if you live with pen and paper but it’s never digital ~ this isn’t for you.

Takes great notes

Won’t take things personally: it’s NEVER about you! (Seriously. Every possible thing is about me all the time. Did you forget that I am a narcissist who wants to feed off of your emotional and professional energy whilst telling you to calm down and not take the fact that I am a giant prick with zero empathetic capabilities personally?)

Self-starter

Reliable & Stable

Quick learner

Multi-tasker

Loyal, relationship-driven

(I want you to be all the things above that I am not so that I don’t have to be them.)

Can deal with profanity. Life’s full of bullshit (I also tell misogynistic and homophobic jokes at the office and expect you to be ‘one of the guys’ about it. Stop taking everything so personally. It’s NEVER about you!)

This role is exciting, dynamic and fast paced. (I will work you until both your fingers and the lining of your stomach bleed in ulcerated torture from the stress of never being able to please me because my standards constantly shift and I give you zero real guidance.)

The company is growing and the founder is highly active.

Keeping up with his activities and A type personality isn’t for everyone. (I refer to myself in the third-person and refer to my assholery as ‘Type A’ personality to remove myself from the reality of being a downright shitty human being.)

If you’re a high energy, motivated person that wants to grow and is up for the challenge, we want to know more about you.

Send an email to us at HR [at] [name removed for decency] with the following:

Subject: I’m your executive assistant because I’m _______ ← — (use one word to describe yourself) (*self-loathing)

Email Body

List your last two bosses names, their titles and why you loved and hated working for them

List two words that each boss would use to describe you

Tell us your ideal situation

Tell us how many times we referenced the need to be detail oriented in this ad (Which I will have another underling check for accuracy because details aren’t my thing.)

Attach a PDF version of your resume

We’re looking forward to hearing from you! (*in hell)

This is a full-time position, with a starting annual salary of $50,000 + benefits (based on experience) (I will underpay you and overwork you for as long as you will let me and tell you that you should be grateful I even employ you at all for how stupid you are. i.e. Welcome to your first emotionally-abusive relationship!)