Family Violence : Week Five

One in four women in their lifetime will experience domestic violence. That is double the amount of women that will develop breast cancer which factors out to be one in eight women. Domestic violence is more common yet we neglect to talk about it. The lack of awareness and discussion about it helps contribute to its frequency. Women or victims tend to stay and try and make things work, make excuses for why it’s happening or even trying to take the blame themselves, but these are all side effects of being in a controlling or abusive relationship. A man can learn to control your mind and manipulate you into believing it’s your fault or you are the one that causing him to act this way but that’s never the truth or underlying problem. It’s him. Through reading Why does he do that? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men but Lundy Bancroft I have learned many of the thoughts men have when they are abusers and also why they have those thoughts. In abusive relationships there are many common beliefs and misconceptions about why the abuse happens and I will be sharing knowledge on those beliefs and explain the truth that lies within those thoughts along with what is false.

There are many things abusive men think to help them justify their action, along with things women think to justify the actions of the aggressor. A few, amongst many, are that he feels a sense of entitlement over his partner and children, he thinks saying sorry fixes everything and things will go back to normal and she may think that he’s just an aggressive person. Ultimately, these are just excuses for the way he acts and he tries to find ways to avoid the real issue, he’s an aggressive man.

Some men feel they are entitle to be the boss and do what’s necessary to keep his family in line just because he’s the man. The rights in the family between the parents should be equal and the children’s right should be slightly less just because they aren’t quite old enough to make educated decision but without a doubt, the parents should be equal. In a controlling man’s mind, his rights are exponentially larger than the woman and children’s rights. This describes entitlement. They think the woman should be there to wait on him hand and foot. Whether it is a physical need like a hot meal ready when he gets home or an emotional need like wanting her to sit and listen to his problems but when she starts talking he undermines her problems. They expect a hot meal ready for them but don’t take into consideration that she has a job she has to slave at all day juts like he does. Controlling men sometimes overlook that fact that she has a job too and thinks she should be able to find time to make dinner, clean the house and take care of the children all before he gets home. In his mind he’s entitled to these things and she needs to figure it out because she’s the woman, that’s just what women do.

When a man is abusive he thinks saying sorry simply makes it better. There’s two issue with an aggressor thinking they can just say sorry and everything will be okay. One, they usually aren’t as sorry as they seem. They just know the right things to say to get in a victim’s head and make you feel like he’s actually sorry. After their actions they may feel bad about their abusive actions but then they’ll have a contradicting thought and convince themselves the woman deserved it. For example a man’s thought may be, “you should never hit a woman but sometimes a man has no other choice.” This also leads back to the issue of entitlement. He feels he’s entitled to punishing a woman if she acts out of line. He wasn’t actually sorry about his actions, he thought she brought it upon herself but saying sorry in that situation makes her feel a little better and think he won’t do it again. Second, when a man does apologize and he uses an absurd amount of dramatics it gives the impression that he’s truly sorry this time. By begging for forgiveness and crying and saying things like, “You deserve better than this,” it makes a woman feel the apology is genuine. The effects on a woman after and outbreak last longer than a male’s so when when his “guilt” is gone in a few days things go right back to their old ways but the woman is still hurt. At this point, the man gets angry because the woman is “dwelling” on the incident when he’s already over it. If the man had felt genuine remorse, he would still be effected but it as well.

In a lot of circumstances, the excuse a woman gives for an aggressive man’s actions is because he’s just an aggressive person in general. When a man’s tendencies and actions are examined, this is usually proven to be false. Usually the male isn’t aggressive or abusive to other people. They don’t often get into fights or altercations when they go out. If a man did have an “aggressive personality” he wouldn’t only treat their loved one wrong, he would do it often and to an array of people. In some cases a man may get into some verbal or physical fights while out but they are typically still related to the woman somehow. The woman’s boyfriend will fight over things like a man starring his woman down or making comments to her. These all leads back to the man being controlling and viewing his woman as some type of property.

As you can see just with these three examples, there are reoccurring themes. Some of these are the man needing control over his woman, manipulating his woman to believe his actions are justifiable or being possessive over her and thinking she is more like property than a human being.

I think the one word that comes up often and is a basis of most problems is justifiable. In an abusive relationship each partner is always looking for a way to justify their actions or feelings. A man will try and justify his abuse by finding a way to put the fault on the victim. She’s either trying to take some control from him or questioned his authority or embarrassed him so in his mind, she deserves to be punished. In some cases, a man may abuse a woman physically and then verbal abuse her more by telling her it’s her fault this happened or tell her she’s the crazy one and that he’s doing nothing wrong. This manipulates the woman and distorts her sense of reality, convincing her that he’s right. It is either her fault or that she over reacted making him snap. In reality, he’s an abuser and they both need to accept that before they can move forward into getting him help.

Once the help by a professional is under way, the most important thing to know is when he’s actually changed and when he’s sincerely sorry. There are a few things that should happen if a man is actually changing. First, you will see that he is beginning to accept his actions are wrong and he doesn’t try to justify them any longer. He doesn’t put the blame back on the victim, he understands he made the choice to abuse. Which leads to the second sign. The aggressor will understand that abuse is a choice he makes not just him losing control. Everyone gets mad but not everyone is an abuser, that’s what he has to learn. Abuse is his choice. Another sign is him accepting his consequences. Many abusers get mad when they are given a consequence for their actions but they brought it upon themselves. The last sign comes hand and hand with the third one. He needs to be accountable for his actions from the past and the future. Not only accept the consequences that have already occurred but in the future take feedback and criticism well. This will help his relationships healthy. The woman should be able to tell him if he is backsliding so that further abuse can be prevented.

Simply knowing what is true and false about the common beliefs of domestic violence will help a relationship. Noticing signs of an abuser and the problems behind their actions can help a couple know when to seek help. As a victim, you should know when things are and aren’t your fault and how to express that to your partner. And as an abuser, you need to understand what you’re doing and its effect on your partner. Usually, you’ll need the assistance of a professional to become aware of these things but noticing a problem and the need for help is the starting point. Once help is underway, it’s important to be able to detect if apologies are sincere and if the change will be permanent. There are major signs to look for that can assist you on that journey.

References

Bancroft, L. (2002). Why does he do that?: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. New York: Putnam’s Sons

Barnett, O., & Perrin, C. (1997). Family violence across the lifespan: An introduction (Third ed.). Thousand Oaks: Sage Publications.