Relationship “Hygiene” in the Time of Corona Virus

Now is the time to check in with how you behave in your intimate relationship. We are all going to spend lots of super close “together” time in the coming weeks and (hopefully) not months. Do you want to work together as a team or be in a together in a miserable, disconnected space?

Everyone of us is anxious and worried about what is going on. Now more than ever we need to be emotionally available to one another, and soothe each other in the face of this unprecedented scary moment. Especially in our intimate partnerships, we need to soothe and support one another.

By relationship “hygiene” I mean how do you communicate? Does one of you yell, make lots of noise, blame or criticize? Does the other shut down, go silent and withdraw? It is time to discover what your communication style is around your emotions in your relationship and intentionally shift. By “cleaning” up your commuincation, you will grow your connection, creating a deeper love and trust between you.

At the end of this, as a friend joked the other day; there are going to be lots of babies in 10 months and or lots of divorces.

Let’s talk about what you can do to create a calm, caring and safe space for you and your partner. This is a fantastic opportunity to find a way back to connection, compassion and love. You will have ample time to do this.

First some basic rules of engagement. Don’t call one another names. Try very hard not to use “global words” such as always and never. (Most things rarely happen always or never). Figure out your negative cycle. (I will say more about this in a bit).

If you are angry or frustrated and want to explode, express what is bothering you. You might be full of anxiety and your way of expressing it is with anger. Do your best not to criticise or blame your partner, and don’t call them names. Use “I” statements and core words.

Core words are about your emotions. If you are angry, you can say “I am angry that you are on your cell phone”. Even better is “I need your full attention for a few minutes and when you give that to me, I feel calmed and soothed”. Or even, “I feel disconnected and even a little abandoned by you when you spend time on your phone instead of with me”. “I need you and your full attention now and then because your attention calms me down”.

A few days ago I took a walk in the park and ahead of me was a couple and she was berating him for long periods of…