I cried in my Lyft on the way here. Tears of sadness, joy, uncertainty, the death of a friend. It’s about 3am. Tomoko Aran’s album “Fuyü-Kükan” is flowing through my headphones. J HUS’ debut album “Common Sense” is in queue. I started writing about my birthday the night before I turned 18. That seems so long ago. 4 years. I’ve written about my ambitions, my secrets, my thoughts, anything I could think of really. Shortly after my gap year, I decided my birthday was going to become about celebrating the past year instead of the day I was born. It made more sense to celebrate the past year and the work I put in than just the day I was born.
I describe my life in colours and the past year was tangerine/peach with some pastel pink and mauve here and there. I think I’m slowly figuring out who I want to be and what I want to be. I know I want to be creative. I know I want my own store in Chicago one day because that’s home. Chicago gave me my start and I owe that city so much. From CodeDay to Jason deciding to give me a chance and even though I fucked that relationship up badly, I thank him and everyone else everyday for giving me a chance. Lance who taught me Ruby and Rails and generally gave me advice and an internship for 8 months while I was in high school. My closest friends and family live in Chicago. Chicago was where I arrived when I first came to America and it has always had my back. That’s the home away from home.
Shortly after turning 21, I was on autopilot till pretty much December when I went back to Nigeria for the first time in 11 years to see my mum. I don’t know if it’s because my mum lives in a place where the internet doesn’t really exist, but 3 weeks in the middle of nowhere did something to me. I remember on my flight from Lagos to London in January, I looked out of my window to watch the sun set over where the Sahara meets the Mediterranean. I pulled out my notebook and wrote “My death is certain, so let’s talk about a different subject.” I put my headphones on and fell asleep.
The rest is a blur. Woke up in London. Fell asleep (again) in London. Woke up to the cold in New York. Roamed through SoHo, looking for some froyo. Read some Khalil Gibran. Somehow made it to Newark for my flight to Chicago early. Fell asleep on a bus. Woke up at Purdue. Somewhere in between all of that, that sentence managed to stick with my thoughts. What do you talk about when you need to change the subject? Turns out that’s pretty difficult so I stopped talking because what’s the point of talking if no one is listening. I don’t even know if anyone is listening right now.
Peach is the colour that I would use to describe life currently. Like it’s more rosy than yellow but it’s not super bright like orange. It’s just nice and mellow and vibrant. I interned at Qualcomm this past summer and now I’m at Tesla. If I could only tell 18 year old me the places we would go within the next 4 years. I’m comfortable. I realized what I currently want and I’m doing my best to get it. I got smarter. I got more careful. I took more risks but also took the time to be more content with things. I’ve stopped fighting my maker, whoever they may be. My death is certain, so let’s struggle with something else.
I’m still ever grateful for my parents. I’m grateful for my sisters. I might not show it but they’ve forced me to grow so much. I believe in all my friends. Both new and old. Both close and distant. I always try to have spirit now. I’m thinking of ways to spend this flammable paper on the film that is my life. I’m toying with some different ideas but time will tell. I have something planned for the spring though.
I learned the sun makes me happy. I learned to speak up. You always gotta speak up because sometimes that’s all you can do. Speak your heart. Sadness and anger are the realest emotions and the two we try to fix the most. I had an accident while driving from San Diego to San Francisco. My accelerator got stuck while climbing into the mountains as I left LA. I remember as my car gained speed fast and faster, my thoughts split into two. One, I could do nothing and accept my fate. Two, accept this isn’t the end and do my best to stay alive. I learned in that moment that nothing in life is promised except death. If you have the opportunity to play this game called life, you need to appreciate every moment. A lot of people don’t appreciate their moment until it’s passed. I remember breaking down and crying in my car when I finally got my car to stop against the guard rail. I drove through the desert that evening with “The Life of Pablo” playing through my speakers on repeat.
I realized that you have to listen until the end of the sentence to understand what people want. If you listen with the intention of replying, are you really listening? I’m still learning how to do things properly. Maybe there are forces in this universe we don’t understand, but I still believe we make our own miracles. I realized that if I were any ninja turtle, I’d be Master Splinter. I learned that sadness isn’t the worst. Some of us are fine existing in that place. The contrast makes happiness feel like a stronger emotion, even drug-like. I learned that love is giving people the permission to fuck you up. I learned that I shouldn’t be so insecure because I might be that person that doesn’t allow people to be themselves.
I realized that none of us know shit because life is temporary. I learned that we all need love, even if we think we don’t. Some just need it more than others. I learned that some people choose not to care until it’s personal but that’s the way a lot of us work. It’s hard to be truly selfless. It’s okay, we’re all just talking here. I’m not drained. I can come and go as I please, and you can too. I’m not more important than you are. I learned that I don’t want to jump in somebody’s lane and try to do their moves because it may not work for me like it worked for them. I exfoliated the hate off of my soul and realized that progress is the biggest thing I want in my life. I stopped being so scared to lose and started trying because the least I can do is try.
I learned that the diversity of your friends is incredibly important. Different races, different backgrounds, different languages, the things we care about and do. Having friends who are in fashion, art, music, automotive, tech, and from different places in life with different experiences let me grow. Hanging out with people who speak a different first language as you is a dope way to grow. The people you let be around you lets you know the kind of person you are. I believe the smaller your echo chamber / bubble is, the better. Focus on your own personal education, your own value.
I like to joke that I have a friend in every city I go to and now that I think about it, I actually do. Like friends that we’ll spend hours and hours at dinner just talking about life and that’s incredibly wild to me. I don’t think I would be the same person without those interactions and experiences. I spent a week driving from Indiana to California in May and learned that taking your time to get to a destination and exploring is sometimes the best thing you can do.
The year between me turning 21 and 22 has made me more grateful, more happy, more honest, more caring, more human. I’m always sending myself positive messages regardless of what the world wants me to think of myself. I learned it’s okay to stick to oneself as long as you peek out and see what’s happening in the world occasionally. I may not have the answers, but at least I have the questions and life is about questions. You just find the answers towards the end. I learned that if you really feel like you’re valuable, you shouldn’t seek validation. You just keep doing what you’re doing and get better at it but at the same time, know your worth.
I still struggle with depression and anxiety but it’s ok. I’m doing ok. Some days are harder than others. But like I want to stick around for a while now… I think. Growing up I always did what everyone told me to do and was who they told me to be. But I’ve come to learn that if you care about other people opinions about who you are, then you become boring. I don’t want to be boring. I also learned that I need to make sure I take time out to find harmony and tranquility to give me the balance I need for a healthy mind. I still have to make sure I stop internalizing other peoples successes as my failures.
My main projects right now are something that you’ll be able to visit in Chicago and something physical. They are inspired by this documentary I watched on Martin Margiela called “The Artist is Absent” and something on neon signs and art and fashion. But from like my own weird point of view. It’s complicated. I’m working on plans to shoot my first film ever. The screenplay is almost finished. I’m so excited. Dami and I are working on some stuff. My boy is killing it. That’s family. I’ve been making new music here and there. I need to deliver first though and I need to take my time with things and treat them properly. Talking about the things I do is weird. I don’t like it but I figure I might as well because why not. I’ve always preferred to be observant more than anything. Only reason I can think of that will stop things is $$$ and the project getting too expensive but that’s okay. That’s what jobs are for.
I only have one lifetime. So why not be as creative as I can be and enjoy whatever time I have here. I’m trying to do everything I can possibly do in one lifetime. That involves leaving tech, opening my own store and starting my own line by 30, opening my own barbershop, half a billion by 36, opening my own restaurant by 40, writing a book, my own shoe (seriously), buying Jas Hennessy & Co. (this is probably the most serious goal I have), making weird shit, and doing things that scare the shit out of me. I feel like there’s pleasure in learning as much as you can and gathering in as much as possible of the universe and enjoying it. I have a vision and I’m willing to die for it… maybe. I think a lot about the future. I’m present but I’m always thinking about the future. I’m not asking you to support me in the things I want to do but acknowledge that I exist and I want to do them. I also want to try and take trips to peaceful countries with different cultures, colours, and sounds. Traveling, music, and colours inspire me more than anything else right now. My mental health, sleep, and the people I talk to are what matter the most to me currently.
I’ve stopped chasing things that I didn’t love or that didn’t love me and, slowly but surely, this rocky, strenuous road I’ve been trekking is becoming a stroll in the park. Funny how alien I felt growing up but I got such a strong sense of purpose when I went back home to Nigeria. I shed tears of happiness and it was such a powerful feeling — it made me feel immortal. All I could hear in that moment, were the crickets buzzing, a few chickens and kids playing, and I started to really appreciate peace.
I’m living in the Bay Area (for now) and if you want to get oatmeal or brunch or a cup of tea or see a show or make music or make art or whatever, hit me up. I can’t wait to see where I am next year for my Jordan year. All the work is finally starting to add up and get somewhere. I underestimated the things I could do in 4 years. I’m so gassed to be alive. I’m at a good place right now. I know this next year is going to be a great one. You’ll just have to wait and see to find out what I mean.
After my gap year, I said I don’t know what purpose really means and why we search for it but that we have to “enjoy the search”, no matter how corny that sounds because the search might be what we ultimately end up with. I believe that’s still true.
The search continues. Learning to let go ironically gave me all the control I wanted; life is going to do what it’s going to do and I just have to be like water and go with the flow. I can’t control what the world will hit me with, but I can control my attitude towards those events. There will always be a new crisis but as long as you approach it with open arms and are willing to learn, a crisis is nothing but a lesson.
When I turned 21, a friend of mine sent me a message thanking me for “literally everything.” They told me that I have this bug in me that makes me go out and *do* things and *make* things and that I don’t really follow a path or stay in a box and they had never seen that before. The way I moved to Mexico City and Tokyo on a whim. The way I create visuals and the music I make. Even the parties I threw the summer of 2016 in SF. They said I didn’t have to throw those parties or do those things but I wanted to do them so I did.
That’s what I want to do for my 22nd year. Just go out and do things and figure the rest out later. Just try and see. I think I’m off to a good start. I’m still far from being what/where I want to be but that’s ok. Sometimes I forget how young I am. I have time but at the same time, I don’t have time. Time is not a limitless commodity. Plan B is to make plan A work. I don’t know where I’m going but that hasn’t stopped me before. I don’t want the Chrysler that looks like the Phantom. I want the Phantom.
It’s okay if you don’t relate. Whatever makes you happy, build on that.
Life isn’t risky. We’re all already dying.
