Confession
I have a confession to make. Some of you reading this might know about it, most of you don’t. For the past several months going on to nearly a year now, I’ve been “dealing” with severe depression. I’ve only mentioned to a few people if i recall correctly. I thought I was dealing with it pretty well but a breakdown two nights ago changed that. The truth is I’ve lost all control or whatever little control I had over my life. I don’t feel anything. I don’t say anything. It’s easy to pretend that everything is fine even though it feels like the world is crashing around you. It’s easy to smile and wave even though you’re suffocating and can’t breathe.
As someone who dealt with pretty bad drug and alcohol problems in high school, depression always leads to relapse. I’ve been sober and clean for nearly a year and a half now. It’s incredibly tough to fight addiction and depression at once. I honestly don’t even know why I’m writing this. I guess it’s easier to deal things when you pretend that someone is listening. I complain too much, huh. I’ve been contemplating certain things for the longest time. Certain things I don’t want to do or talk about. It’s difficult to look your mother in the eye and tell her you relapsed when she thought you were doing well.
The world is incredibly grey or that’s how I see it. I don’t know what to do. The people I thought cared about me and my well being turned out to not care. I feel like if things don’t change, this time might be different from the other times and as someone who has tried to commit suicide 32 times in the past two years, that fucking scares me. I’m scared.
Working in an industry where being young is your best asset, I feel like I don’t get that chance. I don’t get to be young because while everyone is busy “moving fast and breaking things,” Im busy reading religious texts and any interesting pieces of work that offer an insight as to who I am and how I can break out of this “slump” I’m in. I’ve read the Bible and Qur’an front to back 5 times each. They hold no meaning to me. I’ve read nearly 50 different pieces of texts on Buddhism, Taoism, Confucianism, existentialism each and so on and so on.
The only thing I’ve figured out is that my depression doesn’t stem from me trying to “find myself.” I don’t know the cause and I don’t know the answer. I don’t think I’ll ever figure it out. It’s just difficult I guess. I want to get better but I sink deeper and deeper with each passing day. I’ve come to figure that I will not be like my peers. The time they spend working is time I spend elaborating and “meditating.” Forever will I be, ordinary. I especially love this commit strip comic that explains how I feel about ordinary. Changing the world would be nice but I’d love to build a life for myself. One where first and foremost, I’m happy. When I read, “I’m leaving Mojang” by Notch, it resonated with me. Especially, when he starts out saying “I don’t see myself as a real game developer.” I don’t see myself as a real developer. I just mash things together and hope it works.
Making things is the only thing that brings some sort of hope to my life and I’d like to hang on to it. I’m not a developer. I’m not an entrepreneur The world moves incredibly fast and working in tech makes it seem like it moves incredibly faster. Everyone is doing something and if you’re not doing something, you’re left behind. I just want to get better but I know if I take time off to get better, I’ll be left behind.
This makes no fucking sense now that I’m reading it as I type but oh well. I’m severely depressed and I’ve been for nearly a year. I don’t want to relapse but I’m afraid I’m going to. I have no friends. No home…..whatever home is. I feel like I’m drowning and losing my sanity. I don’t want to have breakdowns in public because it makes me look like a weirdo. I just want to be ok. ☺ <- see I can smile.
I don’t know what’s next for me but I hope it’s something good. I hope whatever I do next will be something I and everyone can be proud of. Something that will not make a disappointment. Something that will not make me the way I currently am.
My name is Fisher and if you’ll indulge me, I’d like to make it out alive so I’m going to keep waking up everyday and keep trying until something sticks. I have to. For my life.
