Baby Steps
Being “single” for almost 6 months had me enjoy my freedom like I never had before. I learn to put myself first on everything. I dated a lot of and different kind of guys and every week means new people entering my life. Yes, I’m exhausted sometimes. Meeting new people, learning their behaviour, every week is first date all over again. Although there are few people that became exception, because we met more than once. It only continue into a friendship. Nothing more. I had this insecurities on relationship, even believe that open-relationship might be a good option.
My insecurities lies on my assumption of people are naturally a liar. For me, honesty is important in live no matter hurtful it is. I always admire honesty. Another insecurities is, I am afraid people don’t like me as who I am. Many people may admire my smart or mature act, but not my anxiety and awkwardness. So, I put a lot of defense mechanism so people won’t be able to touch my heart. I’m afraid if people able to touch it, once they leave, it’ll break.
However, the act of “I don’t easy to trust people” is actually an evidence of how I don’t believe in myself.
That I am strong enough to handle every messiness in life.
That I am strong enough to get up and steer my life when things go wrong.
That I am strong enough to stand up in storm.
And yes, this baby step to start a relationship is actually more like a life lesson for myself.
How exciting going to second, third or more dates with one person only.
That I’m learning himself and appreciate his existence in my life (by avoiding and also explaining the other guys that I’m in relationship).
It’s more like I’m respecting myself to be a loyal person and committed to my relationship.
That I trust me to able trust a person who I choose among others to be with me because of his characters.
Well, lets see how this baby steps will bring me in life.
:)
