She Climbs Everything!
Gender euphoria on a bike ride
Something happened to me last Friday, and it’s kind of a big deal. After decades of confusion, years of wondering, and many months of denial, I actually said, out loud, to another human being, that I think I’m transgender.
That person is a therapist who knows a thing or two about this stuff. We spoke briefly on the phone and I will have my first session on Saturday. I told her that I had finally gotten to the point where I was ready to deal with it, but that I was, thankfully, not in crisis mode yet. Turns out I was wrong.
When these ideas were in my head, they were just thoughts. Big, scary thoughts for sure, but I could still hide them away for a while when I needed to deal with life. But that simple act of voicing them out loud gave them life and made them terrifyingly real. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this level of anxiety before. DEFCON 2. I can barely sleep!
Then I read this beautiful story from Saoirse and decided I needed to get out of my head, onto my bike, and sink my legs into a good long climb! As it turns out, I hit the double jackpot and am autistic too. And cycling is a good way to stim:
Cycling up twisty mountain roads is my passion, and there’s an awesome one nearby:
I headed up Sandia Crest, on the east side of Albuquerque. 14 miles of switchbacks and panoramic vistas!
Music has always inspired me and back when I used to ride big endurance events no song would get my blood flowing quite like “Help I’m Alive" by Metric.
And today, the lyrics seemed to take on a deeper meaning for me.
“Help, I’m alive
My heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft, tough to be tender”
There’s nothing more magical than finding that sweet spot, the perfect rhythm that makes even the toughest climb a joyous experience.
And today was one of those days!
The song was still playing in my head:
“If we’re still alive
My regrets are few
If my life is mine
What shouldn’t I do?”
As I continued to climb, I came to a section of smooth pavement, so new it didn’t even have stripes yet. Too good to pass up! I kept climbing.
I was wearing my favorite cycling jersey. It’s orange! The design is taken from a vintage French bicycle advertisement, and has the old slogan printed on it. At one point I glanced down, my eyes taking in only the first three words:
“Elle Grimpe Tout! “
SHE Climbs Everything!
I started laughing out loud, to the amusement of some nearby hikers.
I know it’s “she" because the French word for bicycle is feminine, but it blew my mind that this little trans egg had been riding around for years proudly proclaiming that She Climbs Everything! and I didn’t even realize it!
It seems silly, but that gave me such a sense of euphoria!
I pedaled on, finally stopping at a rest area near the summit.
As the skies darkened, I decided it best to head back down.
My brain is full of music, she’s always singing to me. As the thunder echoed off the nearby cliffs my inner DJ queued up “Under the Ivy" by Kate Bush.
“I sit here in the thunder
The green on the grey
I feel it all around me
And it’s not easy for me
To give away a secret
It’s not safe”
The storm clouds had already chased most everyone else off, so I had the descent to myself. As I glided back down that velvety smooth tarmac, I made sure to really savor it. There will be rough roads ahead.
Thank you for reading my very first Medium story 🙏🚴🏳️⚧️🐣