“Bad decisions, that’s alright. Welcome to my silly life” — P!nk

Soph
Soph
Aug 9, 2017 · 2 min read

I have always been ashamed of my addiction to purging as I’ve always felt like this disgusting, weak-willed individual who fails at having an eating disorder and therefore has to compensate by purging.

This is not true.

Along with my other random rambles of recovery, I want to in the process raise awareness of all eating disorders, regardless of whether they physically visible.

So just imagine, it’s Saturday evening and you’re all alone. The other half is away for the weekend. You’ve prepared a low-fat and low-calorie dinner which requires no cooking as no one will be there to protect you from yourself, and you promised that you would eat a normal meal in his absence.

You eat and assess your day. Convinced that this will be a turning point in your recovery; being able to say “I was able to eat my tea alone for the first time in goodness knows how long”.

You go out for a cigarette, do the washing up and then start on a Sudoku — employ your normal distraction tactics post-eating and to try and lower the anxiety levels.

Then all of a sudden the light-bulb switches, everything changes.

Despite the fact that you’ve only eaten x amount of calories (which is less than you would have for an evening meal on a normal day), you become aware of every ounce of food sitting in your stomach weighing you down. You try and finish your Sudoku to take your mind off things but now that you’ve got that thought in your stomach it won’t shift. Haunting you, laughing at you, shouting in your ear that you have no option but to go and purge it. Before you know it, you’ve gone upstairs. Tied back your hair and pressed those two trusty fingers down your throat until you gag. You breathe a sigh of relief and you stick the fingers back, again and again, until everything comes up and you’re left with the acidic bile coating the toilet bowl.

As vomit splatters your face and mascara runs down your cheeks you begin the clear-up routine, destroying any evidence that you were ever there and making sure that the bathroom is left spotlessly clean. Wash your face, re-do your make-up and go downstairs and carry on with your evening, acting like nothing has happened.

So there you go. There is nothing glamorous about eating disorders; they are not all about getting skinny, or a diet gone wrong, nor is purging just an easy way to eat what you want without putting on weight. Everyone’s experience is different.

Eating disorders are serious medical illnesses that require the appropriate treatment, regardless of whether they are underweight, overweight or a normal weight.

Soph

Written by

Soph

In recovery from a personality disorder and eating disorder, one day at a time

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade