Saturday Night

Tonight, at almost 8:00pm, my wife got a phone call from an acquaintance that called to tell us about an adoption opportunity on the East coast. A little baby boy was born yesterday and needs a home. The only tricky part is that the adoptive family needs to have a home-study through a non-profit organization. Ours is done privately through a social worker. But, after calling her, we discovered she is associated with a non-profit agency, and there is a good chance she will be able to put our home-study on their letterhead, and that should be good enough. So we are kind of in freak-out-anxious mode right now. Well. Okay. My wife is kind of in freak-out-anxious mode right now. The baby was born premature, but seems to be doing pretty well. We would need to be out there until he is able leave the newborn intensive care unit. So I guess there is a slight chance that we could be on a plane in the next 48 hours.

Sunday

Today was one of those headache-inducing adoption days. I think it is because it can be so emotionally draining. We spent most of the morning and afternoon worried that we would’t get our home study submitted in time for the situation with the premature baby boy. There was some trouble getting the official non-profit letterhead to our social worker for her to put our home study on. So many hoops. When she finally got it, around 3:00pm, she realized her scanner had broken, so then there was a lot of back and forth between her, I, and the agent coordinating things from our end. Finally, our social worker was able to fax our completed home study directly to the agency working with the birthmother. Our profile book (with all the family pictures and things) was sent too. That was a relief. I told the agent that I was anxious that we had taken too long to submit our home study. It’s really hard not knowing what is going on out there. But anyway, the agent said that we did great and were very quick to get everything in. Time is relative, I guess.

So now, it’s just wait and see. Originally, we heard that the birth parents would be signing paperwork tomorrow. If that is the case, I expect that we would hear back from them tomorrow. I hope we do. The not-knowing and the waiting are painful. And draining.

Monday

Oh man. Another excruciating day of waiting and not knowing. This email string tells pretty much the whole story:

2:49 PM, our local contact wrote:
Did you guys do child abuse clearances in KS? The agency in NY is saying that they only see Utah and its been less than five years since you lived there. Let me know ASAP. Thanks!!

2:52 PM, I wrote:
They probably wouldn’t find it in Kansas. We had previous home studies done through LDS Family Services in Missouri. I can’t speak to that specifically, but we were approved and active with LDSFS in Missouri prior to moving. Would you like me to find our old agent’s contact info for you?

2:53 PM, my wife wrote:
Hi Chris! I think this is what they are looking for? The Missouri child abuse clearances?? Let me know if not. (attached pdf documents)

2:55 PM, our local contact wrote:
No it would be out dated so it would not be relevant. Do you have FBI clearance?

2:57 PM, my wife wrote:
Here’s our FBI clearance letters. (attached pdf documents)

3:31 PM, my wife wrote:
Was this what they needed? Thanks ☺

3:33 PM, our local contact wrote:
Not sure. I sent both things that you sent me and have not heard back. Hoping they make a decision soon and then just move forward with that family! I will let you know. Thanks for getting that info to me so quickly!!

3:34 PM, my wife wrote:
You bet…thank you so much!

3:41 PM, our local contact wrote:
See below.

Sent from my iPhone

Begin forwarded message:

From: East-Coast Adoption Agent
Date: February 10, 2014, 3:40:23 PM MST
To: Our Local Contact
Subject: Re: Baby boy!!
So did they live in Kansas City, MO and not in KS? Then the home study should be changed to reflect that, since it says KS a number of times. But yes, this is the document we’d need. I’m glad it was done. Unfortunately, NY ICPC is very particular, and would not accept these clearances since they are only valid for 12 months and these clearances expired in November 2013. So if the family lived in MO, they should re-do/update these clearances. The UT clearances are fine. They don’t expire until next summer.

3:44 PM, my wife wrote:
We lived in Kansas in 2006/07. From 2007-2013 we were in Missouri. And Utah now.
So, does that mean that this won’t work out…or that what we have is sufficient?
Thanks!

3:45 PM, our local agent wrote:
I think since your clearances in MO are expired then it will not work.

3:46 PM, my wife wrote:
We just don’t understand. The MO clearances were good when we got the Utah home study…is there anything we can do?

3:48 PM, our local contact wrote:
Not for this baby. You will need to update that to do an adoption according to the dates on your MO clearances.

3:48 PM, I wrote:
Sorry, I guess I’m confused. The MO clearances were good through Nov 2013, by which time we had moved to Utah, and we have those clearances. Do they need valid and current clearances for both states?

3:48 PM, our local contact wrote:
Yes until you have been in Utah for 5 years.

At this point, there was nothing more we could do. My wife emailed our social worker and asked if there was anything we could do. In the meantime, I tried calling the Missouri Family Care Safety Registry, but they closed at 3:00pm. My phone rang, and it was my wife. We both knew that this was the end of the road. While we were on the phone (not really talking, just being sad together), this email came in from the agency in New York and we both saw it at the same time:

3:58 PM, East-Coast Adoption Agent wrote:
It’s great that you had the MO child abuse clearance, because that is what you needed. You do not need anything from KS, since that was more than 5 years ago. You do not need anything more—you only have to do a child abuse clearance for a previous state once (sorry Chris, I might have said something else in a previous email—but this is the accurate answer.) Chris, it would be helpful to note in the home study that the family lived in MO before moving to UT in 2013 because right now it says KS. We will be in touch.

4:05 PM, our local contact wrote:
Can you please call me Todd?

I called our local contact and she simply confirmed what that second email from the East-coast agent implied—that we were good. All necessary documentation had been received, and what she had said in an earlier email was inaccurate.

So, for 10 minutes we thought it was over. Then, when it seemed there was new life, we were afraid to believe it was true.

Our local contact also told me that they were trying to get the agency to just pick a family to move forward with. But a little later, this email arrived:

4:05 PM, our local contact wrote:
Hi Todd!! So the agency is meeting with the birthmother tomorrow. Once she signs their consents and has a counseling session then they will move forward with a family. So….no word tonight!!

So. Still no word. Hopefully tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow is less stressful. Unless, of course, it’s the kind of stress that means we’re looking for flights and a place to stay in New York.

By the way, I have to give a ton of credit to my wife. I can’t believe she had scanned and saved those old documents that we needed. Without them, we would have been totally sunk.

Tuesday Morning

Didn’t sleep well for the third consecutive night. Neither did my wife. I found it difficult to work given the possibility that later today we might be on a plane to meet our son. Then, just after 11:00 AM, this email arrived:

11:02 AM, our local contact wrote:
Hi there. I just heard from the adoption agent and I am sorry to say that they did pick the other family for the baby in NY. Thank you so much for all your hard work these last couple of days. I would be honored by the opportunity to work with you guys again if a situation came up.

At least we are often in the top two or three choices. There are lots of couples whose opportunities are few and far between. That is not the case for us.

In the past four months, we have been involved in three possibilities. There was a set of the twins, this premature baby in New York, and a still-in-the-works opportunity in Tennessee. I think that is pretty good traffic. And it is something we should be grateful for.

The temptation to become angry and frustrated or not care anymore is real, and it’s difficult to stay positive. But it’s important to do so.

The thing about adoption is that every situation feels like it was tailored for us. We know that God loves us and will bless us with the children he intends to be part of our family. As far as this situation goes, maybe this baby was going to have some challenges that were not meant for us. Meaning, perhaps there are difficulties in store for that child and his new family that we do not need or that we were never intended to experience. In the end we just trust in God.

The ride continues. Ups. Downs. Tight spirals. Each potential opportunity is unique. More often than not, when the ride ends I’m just looking for a place to puke so I can move on to the next attraction. But, when an adoption comes through and a new child joins our family, suddenly all those dips and curves don’t matter any more because we will have just experienced the ride of our lives.