The Truth Behind Why Donald Trump Was Impeached

As Editor-in-Chief at HIFI Press, I understand better than most (most = you) that liberty hangs on the laundry line of a free and unfettered press.

While journalists are the ones who reluctantly drag the hamper through the house, load the washer with society’s dirty laundry, then dump in two scoops of objectivity, it’s on us publishers to hang the results out to dry for the global neighborhood to see.

To prevent fading or bleeding, wash freedom and corruption separately.

As 2019 comes to an end, so too does a decade filled with stories we never thought possible: the proliferation of mobile computing; the tumultuous impact of climate change; the rise of artificial intelligence; FIVE superfluous Star Wars films (cha-ching, Disney!).

Someday, our great-grandchildren will look back and ask, “What the f*** were y’all smoking?” To which I’ll reply, “Go grab my stash from the back of my sock drawer and I’ll show you.”

Image courtesy of The Sadira Family Archives

It’s this unwavering devotion to truth that’s led HIFI Press to run a story we’ve been working on for over three years. Buckle up, because this one’s about to turn your whole world topsy-turvy, kick it in the balls, flip it on its head, then scream “Spinning Star Kick!” before ripping your heart from your chest as the words “FATALITY” drip in blood before your eyes.

The 45th President of the United States has been accused of abusing the office of President for private financial gain. He’s already been impeached by the House of Representatives and soon the trial will go on to the Senate to decide whether or not to remove him from office. It’s a political drama on par with West Wing or House of Cards — and it’s creating quite the chasm amongst our nation’s populace.

“United We Stand, Divided We Fall”? Better get the band-aids ready, cause Uncle Sam fell down and got a boo-boo.

Ouch, mommy! It stings, it stings!

Well, at least that’s the story that the media elites want you to believe. Don’t worry: HIFI Press knows better. We spent hundreds of seconds researching Trump’s history, the Democrat leadership, and the historical precedents for constitutional crises. After waking up in a stupor, hours later, we came to a startling conclusion:

The whole thing is too damn boring to be newsworthy. So we decided to put it all on the line and go deeper.

First, I need to back up a step. We all know Harry Potter, right? For anyone who’s been living under a rock for 20 years, here’s a quick recap:

Orphan boys turns out to be great wizard, learns magic, then eventually defeats a powerful dark wizard by finding and destroying seven objects that contain pieces of the dark wizard’s soul.

If you’re as high as I am right now, I’m sure Harry Potter’s connection to Trump’s impeachment is crystal clear. Turns out we’re not alone. This is a theory that’s been kicked around since 2018 when that one dude attacked Trump’s Hollywood Walk of Fame star with a pickaxe.

For the rare, sober reader out there, I’ll spell it out. There’s a truth being covered up by politicians on both sides of the aisle: Trump is actually a dark wizard who’s torn his soul into seven pieces and has hidden them in order to gain immortality!

More of a “Wizardhunt” than a “Witchhunt”, amirite?

To furthermore prove the point, let’s look at Trump’s name. In the Harry Potter books, the phrase ‘I am Lord Voldemort’ was an anagram of the dark wizard’s real name, ‘Tom Marvolo Riddle’. What do you get when you jumble up ‘Donald Trump’? Take your pick:

• Lord Dampnut
• Lord Tan Dump
• Tan DumpLord

Dampnut? Ugh. TMI, IMHO.

When he became President, it got worse. Our sources report that he demands his White House aides call him by an even worse anagram of ‘President Donald Trump’…

‘Sun-Primped Tot-Dandler’.

Makes sense, right? He’s orange and never stops playing with his childlike supporters.

That’s not all. The whole impeachment process is just a cover. Adam Schiff and Nancy Pelosi have just been distracting Trump’s Death Eaters (the GOP) to protect the real heroes.

Who are they protecting? A small group of progressive, freshmen lawmakers (Aurors?) known as ‘The Squad’: Representatives Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar and Ayanna Pressley.

Holy badass babes, Batman!

Our sources say that since the Hollywood Star of Fame (Trump’s first horcrux) was destroyed, The Squad has been hard at work finding the other six horcruxes. The good news is that five of them have already been located and are being persued.

Here’s a list of items that Trump used to hide torn scraps of his soul:

1. Hollywood Star of Fame: destroyed 2018. WOO-HOO!
2. His tax returns: should have those soon, teehee (props to all the Trump-appointed judges helping out on that one!).
3. His lucky nine-iron: hard to get at since he golfs so damn much.
4. Kelly Conway (a.k.a Trump’s Nagini): her hubby George is arranging an intervention / exorcism in early 2020.
5. First-ever MAGA hat: last seen disappearing up Lindsay Graham’s ass.
6. His personal Sharpie: locked in a drawer in the Oval Office, next to his crayon box.
7. ?????

So, while The Squad is hard at work obtaining and destroying the remaining five known horcruxes, the seventh remains at large. Experts on the subject disagree, but they’ve compiled a list of suspicious items:

1. Rudy Giuliani’s dumb, unnecessary glasses: the Feds’ll nab it when they bring him in
2. The statue of Robert E. Lee in Charlottesville: just a sledgehammer away from destruction
3. Putin’s shiny, Russian ballgag: gross.
4. Melania’s left boob implant: we’re working with Justin Trudeau on this one. *wink wink*
5. A Nazi gold coin given to him by his father: probably sewn into his toupee
6. That stupid backward slice of pizza from Trump’s cameo in that 90s Pizza Hut ad: probably rotting away in a hotel fridge in Trump Tower

We should’ve known he was into dark magic back then.

In a last-minute, mind-blowing twist, some have even speculated that Jeffrey Epstein, who definitely didn’t kill himself, may have been Trump’s hidden seventh horcrux. The only way we’ll know for sure is to wait for AOC and her gang to destroy the remaining five.

On behalf of everyone at HIFI Press, I send The Squad our thoughts, prayers, and flirtatious glances. What? Did I offend you? C’mon! Look at them! You’d have to be a corpse to not be turned on just a little.

Anyway, let’s hope our nation can heal itself once Lord Dampnut’s horcruxes are destroyed and he’s safely behind bars (but only as “safe” as Jeffrey Epstein, who definitely didn’t kill himself).