An Ode to the Irish Goodbye
We’ve all been to an awkward party or the dreaded “get-together” with dozens of people we vaguely know and rarely see — maybe they’re old friends, extended family, or the people that your only friend hangs out with when she’s not hanging out with you.
You spend the first hour engaging in a series of awkward “hello’s”:
“What are you up to these days?”
“How are your [kids/dogs/parents/tinder dates] doing?”
The next hour is spent waiting for an appropriate time to start saying goodbye. You latch onto the two people you actually know, praying you can stay in this safe space for as long as possible before being interrupted by your “friend” who “hasn’t seen you in forever!”
You’ve been checking your phone, your watch, your friend’s phone, and an old-timey pocketwatch every 37 seconds to see if it’s time to leave yet. “Okay, I’ve been here for an hour and fourty-five minutes. I can leave.”
It’s finally time to say goodbye, but this is only the beginning.
You awkwardly insert yourself into the host’s circle of friends to say goodbye. They realize they haven’t even had a chance to talk to you yet, and a conversation ensues. Someone hears your conversation and jumps in. “Wait, did I just hear you say you’ve been taking harmonica lessons? I know what harmonicas are! That’s so cool! What made you want to learn harmonica?” After a ten minute goodbye-turned-full-conversation, you try to work toward the door, but now the whole room has sensed your imminent departure. “Tom’s leaving? Well, I’m not going to see him again for another 3–5 years…I’d better catch him now.”
Another catch-up. Then two more. Maybe even another drink. You just wanted to say goodbye, but suddenly you’re making plans to go halfsies on your niece’s birthday gift, and someone is making you take a container of old party food home as leftovers. Your goodbye’s are taking forever. You should have started saying goodbye right when you got to the party.
There has to be another way!
The Irish Goodbye
My friends, I have been employing the Irish Goodbye for several years, and it has changed my life. An Irish Goodbye is leaving a social gathering without telling anyone — you ghost. It is exhilarating. I’ve now done this at weddings, birthday parties, work parties, even at an actual bar in Ireland with a group of Irish friends.
Pulling it off is simple. Leave, but don’t make it seem like you’re actually leaving. Then, actually leave. Boom.
“Excuse me, I’m just going to take this phone call outside.” The call is your Uber driver. He’s here and waiting in the parking lot.
“I need a little fresh air, I’m going to step outside for a bit.” The air is freshest at your house, right?
“I have to go let my dogs out, I’ll be right back.” The dogs are code for your feet, and these shoes are uncomfortable.
There is no feeling of relief quite as pure as the walk from the venue to your car after an Irish Goodbye — you feel like a prisoner escaping Azkaban, and the Dementors have no idea you’ve even left. You’ve saved yourself an hour of awkward goodbyes, countless “sorry to interrupt, just wanted to say goodbye!” cringes, and that awkward final goodbye wave after you’ve done all your awkward individual goodbyes (“Okay I’m headed out, bye everyone!”)
Leaving the party early? The Irish Goodbye gets you out of there without making it obvious that you’re leaving early. No more “Oh, you’re leaving already? That’s too bad!” You’ll be in sunny Mexico by the time anyone knows you’re gone.
Next time you’re at that awkward party, give it a shot. Sure, it might upset a few people once they figure it out, but you’ll be asleep in your bed by then. And isn’t that worth it?
Author’s Note: I imagine there’s a fair chance the name “Irish Goodbye” is offensive. I considered using “ghosting” instead, but that usually refers to an entirely different type of goodbye — pretending you died in order to end a relationship with someone you recently started dating. I write this from a place of deep love and admiration for Ireland, the Irish people, and most importantly the Irish Goodbye. If anyone has a better term for it, please let me know.
