The 10 Tab Habits of Highly Successful People

Lincoln is known to have had a mantra:

“I only read two books at a time, any more and you’re fucked”

He was also president. So go figure.

But what does this 6 foot over-achiever have to tell us about our far-more complex lives in the 21st century? Come, let me spin thee a yarn of pure lifehacking.

1. Practise Tab Hygiene

Do you have more than 5 tabs open right now? Really? You filthy animal. Studies have shown that we can only focus on one thing at a time, they’ve also shown that we share 96% of our DNA with sheep so think on.

2. Close Your Tabs

When Gerald Khavlinsky invented tabbed-browsing his initial comment was:

“I hereby bestow the power of the gods upon men”

And he wasn’t joking — tabs are like crack for our procrastination gland (that’s a thing) and it invariably leads to burning cities.

3. StackOverflow Doesn’t Count

How else are you supposed to pass yourself off as someone who knows what they’re doing?

4. Evernote & Pocket

Don’t you dare say “I’m saving this for later” — this isn’t some sick buffet, pick a site and dedicate yourself.

5. Relationships

I have no formal qualifications in social-science and my most meaningful relationship currently is with a fridge BUT my prose are displayed in a sexy font with splendid line-spacing and such so…

Do you find yourself being unable to commit to relationships in real life? Do you move from person to pineapple to person with no emotional connection? Do you frequently try and Cmd+Shift+T to bring back people you miss?

Ohjustmeok

6. THIS IS LIFEHACKING

Follow these incohesive rules and ridiculous conclusions rigorously and WHAM you’re hacking your genetic code to be less-monkey-more-super-martian (more on that later).

7. Martians

Super-advanced alien species agree*

8. Spirituality Matters

Why lose yourself in the Himalayas when you can just adopt this tab dogma? If you frequently use 3 or fewer tabs you’re more likely to find the answers to all of life’s questions (if you said 42 in your head GO OUTSIDE).

9. Think, don’t Tab

9 is a prime number.

Did you have to open a new tab to verify that? GO BACK TO NUMBER 1.

f i n

Some people have asked me where number 10 is.

If you have to ask then you know not -Moses Jr.
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