Things I’m learning[11]

So, yeah, I’m out of it. And you might think, being as old as I am, and having been through this cycle of up and down so many times, that there wouldn’t be anything new to learn from it, but this time I was really paying attention (probably because of this writing, and that’s a wonderful thing), and so I did notice some things.

I said that during this time I sucked at being a person, just like I was sucking at everything else. I still made an effort to not be outright negative, but I definitely wasn’t my usual positive self. And when I tried to talk to people that I normally talk to, I increasingly started to feel like I was being attacked. My heart rate would go up, and my mind would go into this “why is this person being like this to me?” mode, and the more I felt this way, the worse the situation would get. I’d talk myself down afterward, and get over it, but after a few of these episodes I realized that it was a trend, and that the common thread had to be me. Everybody in my whole world couldn’t possibly suddenly hate me all at once like that. It had to be me. So I decided to stop talking to people until I felt better. I stopped attempting to communicate my feelings at all, just talked about stuff and not my feelings.

And it worked in a really nice way. I had fewer things that I needed to talk myself down from, and recover from, so the negative feedback loop I had been stuck in gradually started to lift. And now I’m feeling better, and I hope that noting this will cause me to come out of it sooner next time, because there will be a next time.

But the big thing that I learned is that when I make an active effort toward non-violent communication, it keeps things around me pleasant, even if I’m with people who tend to be negative. Without that, things can really easily escalate into a war over nothing. We’re all really touchy these days.

But if you have work to do that you love, it’s not touchy, and if the energy you have for it isn’t 100% positive, it doesn’t attack you back. You get back what you put in, and it’s enough, because it’s what you’ve got. For the work, you are always enough. It doesn’t mean you’re always great, but it doesn’t kick you just because you’re down. Not to say that people do, consciously, but man, our communication has become very violent. It’s built into the language at this point, so it seems inescapable.

So I’m glad I was able to continue work during this. More than glad. I am immeasurably helped through this life by the very fact that I have all sorts of work to do that I enjoy. And it’s a privilege, I realize that, because not everyone seems to have this outlet. So thank you, universe, for giving me music, and puzzles to create and solve, and having me live at a time when computers as toys were a thing. I’m unbelievably lucky, and I know it.