Last year I was noticing behavioral, emotional, and mental changes. I was doing/think/feeling things I never had before. Most people would think, "you're a new dad, of course your going through this." My doctor also thought this. So he gave me antidepressants. He also checked my testosterone, which was dangerously low for someone my age. But this was ignored.

For a while they seemed to work. I seemed normal. But i started getting really aggressive panic attack and was having horrific nightmares. So I had to stop. I was given antianxiety meds and tranquilizers. Medications that would normally knock out even the most tolerant of people, wasn't doing anything. My panic attacks and nightmares kept me up.

I was getting two or three hours of sleep a night tops. Then I had to wake up and take care of Milo. I finally managed to control my panic attacks, they still happen, but I can deal with them. The nightmares haven't stopped. They've gotten worse.

I was having bouts of anger, depression, zoning out. All while taking care of Milo. Yeah, not smart. Finally I decided to see another doctor in the same office. I read about modafinil, Modafinil is an effective cognitive enhancement nootropic. Basically, it made me more awake, more alert, and normalized my cognitive function.

This helped during the day. But the nightmares continued. I had my testosterone checked again and they were even lower. It was almost a year later and my testoterone was almost nonexistent. My doctor suggested taking testosterone shots. That idea scared me. It scared me to death. I read about the side effects, non of them mild. All of them could seriously harm me. Normally you have to undergo test after test before starting the injections. My doctor waved them all and started the injections.

My life improved within a week or two. I had more energy, I was sleeping, the nightmares. Were calming down and seemed to go away. But I was getting a small dose once a month. Within two weeks the shot was beginning to lose effect. The nightmares began up again, the anger, depression and zoning out began. Two weeks later I would get another shot. This wasn't working for me.

So I looked at other doctors in the same practice. I found one who was an internal medicine doctor. I've had luck before, so I gave him a shot. The first visit have me the confidence that this doctor is going to help me.

He ran blood tests, saw some off numbers and requested an MRI to check my pituitary gland. Insurance denied it claiming it wasn’t medically necessary. This pissed me off, but that’s for another story. So the doctor ordered more tests that cost thousands of dollars so we could get approval to use an MRI that costs a few hundred.

I’m still waiting on the approval and for my doctor to explain the test results. The reason my doctor wants to check my pituitary gland, is to check for tumors. My blood tests have some concerns that make it possible. So, here’s hoping that when in get the MRI, it comes back clear.

My whole reason for finding a new doctor was because I want to get off of the several medications I’m taking to be a normal functioning human being. Well, more normal anyway. And the most important reason was to get to a point of optimal health. I want to be here to watch Milo grow.