Why You Need To Lose Weight To Find Love

And it’s not to make people find you attractive

If you’ve read My Big Fat Obese Story, I’m sure it’s not too difficult for you to come to the conclusion that for a large part of my life my self esteem and confidence were pretty much non existent. It’s still very much absent, but admittedly improving every day.

In some ways I’m really confident. Put me in a boardroom and I’ll fiercely defend my vision until you see it from my perspective. Engage with me in debate over the technology or music industry and I’ll talk you under the table.

In other ways, I’m as far from confident as you could be. Approaching and talking to strangers, striking up random conversations. Half my confidence again when these strangers just happen to be of the opposite sex.

You’ve seen movies like American Pie, right? In those movies they depict most of the guys as awkward, shy and dorky. And honestly, those depictions are generally spot on. That was me, that IS me, but I also just happened to be depressed and the size of a whale, creating a whole boat load of other barriers between showing people who I really am and getting to know them too.

Body Acceptance is a double edged sword

Body acceptance is such a big topic lately. I see morbidly obese people from time to time who’ve developed a social following, posing in photoshoots with food and expressing how happy they are to be so overweight. They develop a fan base because they embody this self acceptance.

On one hand, great for them. If you’re one of these people, and you accept and love yourself just as you are, you don’t need to lose weight (to find love). Ignore everything I’ve said and go read something else.

On the other hand, if you have low self esteem and no confidence, and think that your obesity is a major factor in your struggles to attract people – then you do need to lose weight. But it’s not about losing weight to make someone else attracted to you, it’s about losing weight to accept yourself.

Personally, I’m overjoyed that I can’t accept being fat. Even if at times I have accepted being fat in the past and thought I would never change; the fact there is this part of me that resists it, hates and, and hurts because of it – is enough to tell me that I’m not happy being overweight (duh) – and I assume since you’re reading this, you might not be either.

If you don’t love, like or even merely accept yourself, and you don’t feel like you’re worth loving, how could you ever expect someone to love you?

For me it wasn’t even a case of not liking myself. I hated myself. I felt like I never had a chance.

A Change Of Heart?

When I’ve had strong feelings for someone in the past who didn’t feel the same, I wished that I could be something or someone different. I wished I could be what they wanted. Many would probably say “You don’t have to change, you shouldn’t have to change to make someone like you!”

I’ve thought about the scenario a few times. What would happen if that person didn’t want me when I was fat — but was suddenly interested in me when I lost it all?

You know what I’d do? I’d give them the benefit of the doubt. Hear me out.

Preferences

Many of you would tell me that it’s shallow, but honestly? It isn’t shallow at all, and I’ll tell you why. For starters, everyone is entitled to their own preferences. I like Pepsi and Coke, and you only like Coke – does that make you shallow? It’s an immature comparison to make, but the principles are the same.

Health & Children

Obesity is not a desireable trait to look for when you want a life partner, or are considering having children.

  • Do you want a partner who has an increased chance of dying of heart related problems, potentially leaving you a single parent?
  • Do want a partner who reduces their chances of conceiving of a child due to their weight?
  • Do you want a partner who increases your child’s chances of growing up to be obese?
  • Do you want a partner whose body starts giving up on them sooner rather than later, for reasons that could have been avoided?
  • Do you want a partner that you can’t do fun activities with because they’re too heavy or too unhealthy? Maybe they’re so overweight they can’t even fly on a plane? Are you never going to leave the country again?

The health benefits definitely are and always will be the most important reason to lose weight. Always over vanity, and always over love.

Sex

There are a small percentage of people who have a preference for larger people, who are generally known as chubby chasers. As I mentioned earlier, they like Pepsi whilst most like Coke, and that’s cool.

For the rest of the population however, having a big, fat, heavy, sweaty body all over them is probably not an attractive proposition.

The Bigger Picture

If you’re personally offended for me that somebody might not be interested in me purely based on my looks — consider this. How many people get to truly see me for who I really am?

I’m truly myself when I’m mentally in a good place. When I’m with people I love and trust; people who I spend a lot of time with and I am comfortable with. Alternatively if you plough me with alcohol then I’m sure I’ll show you my personality turned up to 11; but then again, I’m not a huge drinker.

Remember me? I’m the guy who didn’t socialise. I’m the guy who avoided social events. I’m the guy who’ll try my best to fade into the background. I’m the typical awkward, shy, dorky (obese) person who just could not deal with recieving, never mind asking for — attention.

So when that’s how you live your life, how do these people ever truly get to know you? Know you well enough to build such a strong attraction to your personality that they’re willing to see through your physical appearance?

You’re going to judge a book by its cover if the pages are glued shut. You’re going to think it’s a shitty damn book.

Conclusion

I stopped trying to change for other people a long time ago, and I’m not asking you to change for other people either. You should want to change what you don’t like, for yourself, and in turn you’ll find someone who accepts you as you accept yourself.

I’m still changing too, and hoping that one day I’ll accept myself enough to find my Michelle Flaherty at band camp.

Even though Vicky is totally hotter. And it’s okay for me to say that. Coke AND Pepsi.

Tom x

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