I completely get your piece. My wife and I have two children, and it is my greatest hope that medicine will exist soon that will cure them of the problems their horrible father has saddled them with, both genetic and behavioral. I would not wish my illness upon an enemy.
Before we were married, my wife was rightfully frightened. I drank too much and was obviously depressed. These two facts were obvious to all except me. After going to a doctor and getting medicine that actually worked I was mostly fine. But mostly fine and fine are different.
I still drank. Years passed, we had kids. I have had a very successful career. In the last ten years I have had periodic ups and downs, often down in the winters. I am socially awkward. I can’t stand being with groups of people. I embarrass and frighten my kids when I have had too much to drink, or spend weekends sleeping until 2pm. At times, I loathe myself. It’s hard to know if that’s more or less than others loathe me.
The cost to my family has become more than any of us can stand. While I am not abusive, and while my addiction is largely managed, and while the anti-depressants mostly work, I am a hard person to be around.
I am writing this because I hope you’ll consider two things. First, people like your Mom, and myself are not bad people. We are not lazy. We are not mean. We are not selfish. And what may seem simple or obvious is very much not so; it’s part of the disease. We have a medical condition, and while it is far less relatable than a broken leg or a stroke, it’s still a medical condition. Depression.
Second, it is somewhat likely that you will, or do have depression and that your kids may. It most often manifests clearly in people’s mid-20s, so perhaps you have dodged. But the first and most caustic symptom is often that you start seeing yourself as not worthy of love. This is a vicious circle.
Of all things you can do, it is to learn about the disease. Watch for it in yourself. Watch for it in your spouse (depressives tend to seek people who have dealt with it one way or other). Above all, watch for it in your kids. Learn and accept what others feel. In everything I have ever read, depression symptoms sound like an excuse by people who are lazy.
Suicide is a leading cause of death in the US. Regardless of what you may have read or otherwise concluded, people who commit suicide are nearly always depressed. It’s not driven by a cause (his wife left him, he lost his job, he started drinking, etc.) rather those events are driven by depression.
It is not obvious or simple. At all.
