Euro 2016: The Review
Hello,
I really like reviewing films on my Facebook page. This summer, given that it was Euro 2016, I decided to transfer my reviewing skills from film to football by reviewing (nearly) every game of the tournament in the form of a simile. Below are the results. I hope you enjoy them…
10/6/16
France 2–1 Romania
Watching France vs Romania tonight was a bit like watching the two partners in a round of Strictly. One was very neat and pretty, one was incredibly clumsy. Both provided some memorable moments, but ultimately you left feeling less entertained than you hoped you would.
MOTM: Dimi Payet, who, if his team mates could finish, might have had approximately 507 assists tonight. Still, managed with what he had all the same!
11/6/16
Switzerland 1–0 Albania
Watching Switzerland beating Albania was a bit like watching the year 11s take on the year 9s in playground football: a spirited contest with some tasty fouls, terrible defending and even worse finishing, yet there was only ever going to be one winner.
Shout out to the ref who played the role of the teacher who sends one of the overzealous year 9s off to detention and ruins the game.
MOTM: The Albanian keeper: without his contribution Switzerland would not have won, but he made several cracking saves to boot.
Wales 2–1 Slovakia
Watching Wales beat Slovakia was like watching the third episode of a new TV series. Its been alright so far, but finally some of the action kicked off and I was actually excited. Also established one of the show’s villains (Skyrtl…)
MOTM: Ben Davies. Saved a goal and typified Welsh hard work ethic the whole game. Hoping for another Spurs left back to play so well later..
England 1–1 Russia
Watching England and Russia was like watching an episode of Game of thrones. It was pretty tense, and I spent the whole thing feeling a sense of dread. Then, just as it looked like things were going to end happily, something dreadful happened right at the last minute.
MOTM: Jamie Vardy.
12/6/16
Croatia 1–0 Turkey
Croatia beat Turkey much in the style of Chaos 2 in Robot Wars. Faced by a noisy, exciting, unbeaten opponent and a crowd gathered intent on a close contest, only to flip their opponent over, gently push them into the pits and leave everyone with a sinking feeling of disappointment that it wasn’t more exciting.
MOTM: Corluka. Absolutely heroic defensive display although his medical team probably deserve sacking for letting him bleed openly most the game without stitching him up permanently or taking him off.
I refuse to be taken in by the Modric goal. Keeper should have saved it.
Poland 1–0 Northern Ireland
Poland vs Northern Ireland reminded me of what it would be like to pick a fight with an army of angry ducklings. They might run about a bit and work hard, but ultimately they’re small and weak and easily flattened.
MOTM: Milik — had to give it to a Polish player and couldn’t spell any other names without looking them up.
Germany 2–0 Ukraine
Watching Germany tonight was like sipping a fine bottle of Il Poggione Brunello di Montalcino, 2010*. Watching Ukraine, on the other hand, was like chugging a bottle of vinegar.
MOTM: Toni Kroos — not only did he control the game beautifully, he scored me 5 points in my fantasy team.
*4th place in winespectator.com‘s top 100 wines of 2015 list.
13/6/2016
Spain 1–0 Czech Republic
Watching Spain was a bit like watching the x-wings buzzing round and round the Death Star in the original star wars film. Busy, prominent, but largely useless. Yet, no matter how many chances to win they wasted, you sort of felt like they were always going to win.
It was also a bit like watching a group of buzzing bees bustling around their hive but dropping the pollen before getting it safely to its destination. (It was as exciting as watching bees buzz around a bee hive as well)
This game was so boring, I came up with two analogies.
MOTM: I’ll be honest, I skipped through most of it on catch up so I don’t really know. I’ll give it to Iniesta for that Lake Skywalker-esque pass/torpedo which put the goal on a plate for Pique.
Republic of Ireland 1–1 Sweden
Watching the Ireland Sweden game as an Ireland fan must have been like when you have an outdoor wedding, and it’s really sunny all morning, but then you spend all afternoon worrying about those clouds and if it’ll rain and then in the end it just mainly stays overcast.
MOTM: I wasn’t that keen on any of them, tbh.
Belgium 0–2 Italy
Watching Belgium lose to Italy reminded me of those times you enter a pub quiz and someone brings their mate who is ‘really, really smart’ and this mate, although he perhaps answers a question or two right, mainly sits silently sipping his pint. He’s not been rubbish, but he was so built up to you that you can’t help but being disappointed in him. By the end, he is drunk enough to just tip him backwards off of his chair.
MOTM: Candreva. Genuinely exciting to watch in what’s been a dull opening week. Deserved assist at the end. (See, I can make sensible choices as well!)
14/6/2016
Austria 0–2 Hungary
Watching Austria vs Hungary was a bit like when you bet on a horse in the Grand National. You don’t have a clue about any of the competitors but everyone says he’s going to win. Turns out he trips over about two thirds through the race and some 200–1 stallion gallops past everyone to win. And you’re not quite sure you’ll trust anyone ever again.
MOTM: Tamas Priskin because he once scored a belter to help Ipswich beat Arsenal at Portman Road. I was there and able to reminisce on a much better game.
VOTM: The referee for giving what may be one of the softest red cards I expect to see this tournament.
Portugal 1–1 Iceland
Portugal vs Iceland was quite a lot like paintball. One team arrives with all the gear: smoke grenades, their own guns and flash equipment who play a group of ten year olds. The flash gits spray all their ammo, and run out, while their best player berates them all for stormtrooper shot whilst also missing all of his targets. The flash ones run out of ammo, whilst the ten year olds have stayed sat in the bunker they started in, firing off the odd shot and hiding to make sure they don’t lose. Ultimately what ensues is a hilarious stalemate where one team has wasted all their shots and then other doesn’t want to get forward, which you’re not sure whether to laugh or cry at.
MOTM: Cristiano Ronaldo hahahahahahahahqhqhqhqhqhq.
No, seriously. The entire Iceland defence were incredible, despite guarding the dodgiest keeper of the tournament. Top effort.
15/6/2016
Russia 1–2 Slovakia
Watching Russia lose is like when a football hooligan starts smashing up a pub and throwing the furniture around, but then some tall guy in the back corner of the room that no one noticed stands up and knocks him out in two swift punches. The Russian, sorry, I mean, hooligan wakes up towards the end and starts swinging wildly looking for the bloke who knocked him out, but by this time the other dude has happily walked out smiling with his mates and the hooligan looks like a muppet.
MOTM: Hamsik. Absolute class assist, goal, and performance.
Romania 1–1 Switzerland
Writing a metaphor review for Romania vs Switzerland was a bit like when you go clubbing in Evoke, Chelmsford (or anywhere else, for that matter) — it was fun and exciting to begin with but now the novelty has worn off and I just want it to stop!*
MOTM: I don’t know… Anyone got any ideas?
*this metaphor may be a bit too close to what’s happening in my life right now.
France 2–0 Albania
Watching France beat Albania was a bit like watching an attack v defence game where the defence delights in frustrating the attackers, who aren’t really trying hard enough, and keep the ball when they can, but are never realistically going to score. The attacking team only really pulls their finger out when the coach goes bananas and threatens to drop them all and make them do press ups towards the end of the exercise.
Although from an Albanian perspective, the emotional intensity and general cruelty from the French in the time of their goals reminds me of when you give a baby candy, and then take it away, but then push the baby over, and punch him/her in the stomach.
MOTM: As much as it pains me to say, because it overly excites the west ham fans whenever he does anything from picking his nose to scoring a 40 yard free kick, Payet was the best player tonight and takes an early lead in the MOTM cup I’ve just made up (and never mentioned again).
16/6/2016
England 2–1 Wales
Watching England and Wales reminded me of when you realise you can’t find your passport 4 days before your holiday to Disneyland. You’re a mixture of angry, confused and anxious about the situation you find yourself in and ransack everywhere you’ve ever been to find it. As time threatens to run out you check that place everyone told you to look in the first place and find it immediately, leading to much jubilation and the false claim that you always knew where it was and were never really that worried anyway. But from everyone else’s point of view, you just salvaged an almighty cock up.
MOTM: Jamie Vardy.*
*I’d have given it to Roy if I could guarantee he’ll actually pick the right team from the start in the next game….
Ukraine 0–2 Northern Ireland
Northern Ireland vs Ukraine was a bit like one of those viral videos when some weedy ginger kid with glasses is being shoved around by a bully twice his size but then turns out to be a black belt and judo throws the bully on the floor and 100% embarrasses him. Often I have no idea how it happened but am glad about it.
MOTM: Gareth McAuley. WHY DIDNT YOU PLAY LIKE THAT FOR IPSWICH GARETH?!
Germany 0–0 Poland
Watching Poland vs Germany was a bit like when you watch a gold medal Olympic wrestling match. You expect to see an exciting contest between two tough rivals but, in reality, all it is is two overgrown blokes hugging each other.
MOTM: Boateng was pretty solid on the ball and in defence. Reckon I’ll give it to him!
Let’s hope some miracle/accident occurs and Northern Ireland knock out the Germans!
17/6/2016
Italy 1–0 Sweden
Italy vs Sweden was like when you’re busy trying to watch paint dry and then Mr T smashes his way through the wall, throws some snickers about, sits on your lap and refuses to leave.
MOTM: The referee for blowing the final whistle and pulling the plug on the whole sorry affair.
Czech Republic 2–2 Croatia (one of the few interesting games…)
Watching that bizarre Croatian meltdown was a bit like when you’re playing a poker game and you’re cruising to victory and you go all in on a 2 and an 8. Because you’re so far ahead this rash move doesn’t cost you the game when the gamble doesn’t pay off, but then you start impulsively shouting which cards you have, throwing your chips at other players and getting out of your seat to cackle in people’s faces until the game officials have no choice but to ask you to leave.
MOTM: before it all got silly I was rather impressed with Rakatic.
Spain 3–0 Turkey
Watching Turkey’s miserable defeat to Spain reminded me of when I used to play my dad at chess when I was 8. I thought I was being competitive, but in reality I had no idea what I was doing, ran out of ideas and lost easily.
MOTM: Jordi Alba. Absolutely class wing play. Honourable mentions to the whole of the Spain midfield, morata and Tony Pulis for being the first commentator analyst who actually seemed to know what he was talking about.
18/6/2016
Belgium 3–0 Republic of Ireland
Belgium’s start to the tournament has been reminiscent of the Bourne Identity. It’s taken them a while to remember who they are, but as soon as they did they started to comfortably beat up some henchmen (Ireland, in this case), but you can’t help but feel they’ll have tougher challenges in later installments.
MOTM: Toby Alderweireld for managing kung-fu kick shane long and somehow get away with it… although lukaku came close with two fantastic goals despite a very anonymous display.
Iceland 1–1 Hungary
Watching Iceland vs Hungary was a bit like when you get a puppy for Christmas but then some eastern European breaks into your house and stamps on its head.
MOTM: Bjarnsson (sp) worked pretty hard, largely helped protect the dodgy goalkeeper (he is pretty dodgy!)
Portugal 0–0 Austria
Watching Portugal was a bit like when that smart Alec teacher’s pet in year 7 puts their hand up and then gets the question wrong, but argues back to the teacher that they’re right so we have to get the text book out and ultimately it’s a bit embarrassing for everyone involved.
MOTM: The keeper, post and linesman’s flag which all contributed to making Ronaldo thoroughly miserable.
19/6/2016
The Final Games of Group A
Yesterday’s group A finale between France, Switzerland, Albania and Romania was a bit like a group of lads of a uni sports social. The hardened old finalists went out of the blocks flying and gradually slowed down, sat in a corner of the bar on their phones and became thoroughly uninteresting half way through the night. The mouthy second year tried to impress them by by drinking a yard of ale and spilling most of it down his shirt before vomiting all over the table and some fresher no one had heard of before carried him home, left him hanging over his toilet and wandered off to join the old finalists for the rest of the party.
MOTD: Paul Pogba. Even though he was ultimately useless last night the boy has serious, serious talent.
20/6/2016
The Final Games of Group B
The group B finale between England, Slovakia, Wales and Russia was a bit like when you try and demolish a brick wall by punching it repeatedly and then your annoying younger brother just demolishes it with a sledgehammer.
Oh well, at least Russia are going home!
MOTD: England fans might not like it, but the entire Slovakia defence, plus goalkeeper. I’d give a Wales player but I’m not really that bothered.
21/6/2016
A Whole Load of Matches I didn’t Watch
Yesterday’s football finales reminded me a bit of when The Lego Movie came out. Everyone was going on about it but I was busy and couldn’t be bothered to watch it. I sort of intend to in the future, but largely just feel ambivalent.
MOTM: Not a clue, didn’t watch any of it! Let’s so for Perasic for putting Spain thoroughly in their place
*I went on to watch the Lego Movie just 3 days later… it’s very good!
22/6/2016
The Final Group Stage Games, and the moment I hit ‘The Wall’
I’m going to level with you all, I’ve been writing these Euro 2016 reviews with the best of intentions, but I’ve been away all week and just didn’t have time/couldn’t be bothered to write some decent reviews. If people like them that much I’ll start them up again for the knockouts.
If I were to have watched yesterday’s games I would have compared them to the final two episodes of season 3 of Breaking Bad. It’s been mildly entertaining so far but right at the end things have exploded to life and now I’m desperately excited to see what happens next!
MOTD: The entire population of both Iceland and Ireland
MOTGS: Payet. Without him France would be out of tournament already. Although Mcgovern and Ireland have been pretty decent as well!
25/6/2016
Switzerland 1–1 Poland (Poland Win on Pens)
Poland beating Switzerland is a bit like when you beat someone at bowling but they score a strike right at the end, and demand you play best of 3, and then when you win again they demand best of 5 but you just throw the ball to the ground, declare yourself champion and storm off leaving them to pay for the damage.
MOTM: Shaq for that absolutely unbelievable goal — I don’t care he was useless the rest of the game!
Wales 1–0 Northern Ireland
Watching Northern Ireland trying to beat Wales was a bit like trying to have a boxing match with Chris Eubank. I’m sure he’d patiently let you attack him for 8 rounds but then in the 9th would swat you over and be done with it without really expending much effort.
MOTM: James Chester with Joe Allen running a close second. Their defensive work was the reason it ended up so comfortable for Wales.
Croatia 0–1 Portugal AET
Watching Portugal vs Croatia was a bit like when you pull an all-nighter to watch the election results. You come in expecting high drama but ultimately it’s a really boring passage of time whilst the commentators talk about anything and everything they can to desperately try to entertain you and then just at the last minute the conservatives win or we Brexit and you find yourself overwhelmingly hurt, confused and angry and although there is some last minute attempt to salvage the situation it ultimately all comes to nothing and you’re watching that smiling, arrogant douchebag who thinks he’s better than anyone else celebrating away on your screens resigned to the fact you have to put up with him for another round.
MOTM: David Cameron/Boris Johnson/Michael Gove/Christiano Ronaldo/Nigel Farage <delete where appropriate>
26/6/2016
France 2–1 Republic of Ireland
France vs Ireland was like when you play this guy at fifa who is really hard to beat online but then his controller runs out of battery or something and you give yourself a sneaky lead while he’s frantically trying to get back in the game.
MOTM: Darren Randolph. So incredibly unlucky to be going home!
Germany 3–0 Slovakia
Germany beating Slovakia was a bit like when Usain Bolt wins the 100m by jogging the final 60 while the rest of his opponents slowly come into the shot panting away and wondering what the hell just happened.
MOTM: Draxler. Class.
Belgium 4–0 Hungary
Watching Hungary trying to compete with Belgium is a bit like when LCD Sound System, Jake Bugg and Newton Faulkner are the other headline slots on Sunday night at Glastonbury. I mean, you’re pretty good guys, but you’re going to be totally overlooked because Coldplay are on the main stage and when all is said and done most people will forget you were even involved.
MOTM: Simon Brotherton for putting up with Martin Keown talking nonsense for the entire game.
Hazard was pretty special as well.
27/6/2016
Italy 2–0 Spain
Italy vs Spain was like comparing the Fangio Ferrari of the 50s to Jenson Button in a Honda. One was classy and beautiful and a real champion in their day. The other was well organised, adapted for the future and an underestimated champion in the making. It was also as fast and furious as an F1 car would be whilst also feeling as oddly paced and sometimes ever so slightly dull as a Grand Prix tends to be… plus the idea that these two faced each other in the last 16 when England drew Iceland is a bit like imagining Fangio racing button — ridiculous.
MOTM: Both goalkeepers.
England 1–2 Iceland
Watching England play Iceland was a bit like when you watch the auditions of the X-factor and they big up some hopeful contestant who’s mates have all told them they’re an awesome singer. Yet when they actually audition they can’t sing in tune, get ripped to shreds by the judges and get sent home tail firmly between legs. And to make it worse, they were drunk, their family embarrassingly trashed the place on their way to the audition and this was the 15th time they’ve been rejected for the same audition.
MOTM: Ragnar Sigurdson. We were poor but he was utterly immense.
30/6/2016
Portugal 1–1 Poland (Portugal Win on Pens)
Portugal are reminding me of just about every tv villain in any tv show I’ve ever watched. You sort of feel they surely can’t come out of this thing victorious, but every week makes you less and less sure and more and more angry. JUST DIE ALREADY, JOFFREY!
MOTM: The pitch invader for spicing things up a little bit.
1/7/2016
Wales 3–1 Belgium
Watching belgium trying to beat Wales was like trying to put out a forest fire with a single hose. It might work for a while but before long you’re just going to get engulfed in flames.
Watching Wales in Euro 2016 is like when that dorky kid from primary school smashes through puberty and suddenly all the girls who used to laugh at him suddenly all want to go to all the parties he’s at and everyone loves him. Think about the progression of Neville Longbottom.
MOTM: All three Wales centre backs. Showing England how to win with passion. Especially Ashley Williams.
2/7/2016
Germany 1–1 Italy (Germany Win on Pens)
Watching Germany and Italy attempting penalties was a bit like how I imagine it might look if I retook my English GCSE exam but as soon as it started forgot how to spell.
MOTM: Hector for being the only player to have scored me more than two points in fantasy league this weekend and for being one of the few mugs who remembered how to score a pen.
3/7/2016
Iceland 2–5 France
Forgot to write one for this! Told you that keeper was dodgy though…
6/7/2016
Wales 0–2 Portugal
Wales vs Portugal reminded me a bit of when you go to a birthday party and just before the cake and candles bit you realise that annoying larger child had snuck into the kitchen and eaten it all already, leaving everyone totally deflated and calling for blood.
MOTM: Every Welsh player for pulling off the best British tournament effort I have been a part of witnessing (I don’t remember 96).
7/7/2016
Germany 0–2 France
Watching Germany and France reminded me of that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where the bad guy gets out a sword and swings it about pulling off all these fancy tricks and then Indianna Jones just shoots him. It also reminded me of Raiders of the Lost Ark because the Germans lost hahahahaha.
MOTM: Bastian Swiensteiger for managing now to murder the referee on live television for booking him in one of the most terrible penalty decisions the world has ever seen.
In all seriousness, I’d actually like to also give it to Sissoko. He was class.
10/7/2016
France 0–1 Portugal (The unfortunate winners)
Watching the Euro 2016 final reminds me of taking my science exam. It was incredibly dull, but I kept at it because I’d already invested 4 weeks into revising it, and then after all the effort the result wasn’t even what I wanted and I was just glad it was over and I could forget it happened.
Portugal reminded me of that player in bulldog who used to hang around behind all the prominent players and never get spotted and then somehow ended up as the final runner left.
MOTM: Pepe, as painful as that is to admit.
TOTT: Wales, defied the odds and lost to the champions. Played with real passion.
POTT: I just don’t know. I can’t think of a player who has set the tournament alight from start to finish. I might just choose the entire Icelandic and Welsh combined defence.
There you go. Thanks for reliving a fairly bang-average football tournament with me. If you liked it, feel free to let me/others know!