A letter to the Church of England

The following is a letter I sent to the Church of England in response to their setting up of a ‘Bishops’ Reflection Group’ on LGBT issues — that contains nobody LGBT or even pro-LGBT — and their general track record on such matters.

Dear Church of England,

Are you OK? Do you want to be friends with us? You are more than welcome to come hang around with us if you want…

I know you feel like you have to keep up the façade of disapproving of us — it’s just a little weird how much effort you put in to it. Reaffirming that we are not allowed to be members in your club, despite the vast majority of us not showing any interest in it, and endlessly going over the rules of what we are not allowed to do in order to go to a heaven we probably don’t even believe in and stay in a club we never even joined.

I know how it is — when you like someone but are too afraid to show it your emotions can come out in weird ways… like centuries of persecution, or attempted genocide for example. I once had a crush on an Italian boy in school, so 4 of my British friends and I made a kind of gang and we spent weeks talking amongst ourselves, until we had come up with a comprehensive system of rules for what Italian members of our club were allowed to eat. In the end he didn’t seem very interested in joining, or what we had to say, which was weird because Gazzo was the one talking and he’d been elected Almighty Representative of the Cosmic Quail. As everyone knows club rules state that every word he says should be taken as law by club members. It was awful… it was basically an unprovoked attack on our club. We went to the headmaster to get him to enforce our chosen club rules school-wide, but he seemed even less interested. Perhaps he would have taken notice if we had 26 of our members in an unelected position on the School Board?…

Gianni wilfully continued to enjoy Terry’s Chocolate Orange and Monster Munch, in flagrant disregard for the dietary restrictions for Italian club members that we implemented — and on top of all that he never did join… no matter how angry we got with him.

Anyway, I’ve not had a chance to read all of your rules, but I know you follow a book that seems to order you to kill gay people… You’ve done a very good job of it so far, but things are getting slack and I’ve noticed that some of your members look like they are settling for general disapproval, or just plucking stuff out of the air randomly, like letting us live but not get married, trying to stop us walking through town in a big group, etc. I hate to be a stickler — but that’s not what your rules say… you either follow them or you don’t. If you can say that the killing part is no longer binding then you may as well just let gay people run wild and live their lives… privately… away from you… awful! But if you do want to come and try and kill me I can provide a meeting place… but bear in mind I WILL be fighting for my life, so things might get messy.

You see, we are used to defending ourselves, it turns out that about 2,000 years ago some people formed a club and one of the rules was to go after gay people, you may have heard of it. It is true that we are fairly new to attacking (although it can’t be that hard… after all it’s only defending forwards), since we don’t have any such similar rule against religion and are generally happy to live and let live when the other party is not attacking us. I’ve come up with a phrase I like to use to summarize this philosophy: “Love your neighbour as yourself” — it’s neat. You should try it. Our movement has achieved unprecedented success in record time with pretty much no bloodshed… (I haven’t checked, but I guess you lot could probably say the same… oh. At the very least neither of us have done anything awful recently like harbour child rapists… oh. Well — it’s not like you claim to be moral leaders or anything… ah). I think you can tell a lot about someone by the outcomes they cause… I’ve got an analogy I invented personally about false prophets and knowing people by whether they produce ‘good fruit’ or ‘bad fruit’… but you probably wouldn’t be interested.

This brings me back to my main point… Isn’t it a bit weird to launch, and perpetuate, a one way attack on a group who have no beef with you? Who have no resources for you to take? What’s your motive? You just don’t like that we exist? That we fall in love? Is it really just down to the sex? Could you stop imagining us having sex please? Even weirder to try to paint yourselves as the persecuted party because the group you are attacking have the nerve to defend themselves! I should know — I’m no stranger to bullying and persecution, since this one time, at school, Gianni (totally unprovoked, mind) grabbed hold of the baseball bat we were swinging at him as part of our daily routine and threw it over the hedge… what a flagrant act of bullying! Honestly! I learnt the true meaning of the word ‘persecution’ that day, I can tell you.

So enjoy your little meeting, where a group of you, who have been so hostile to us over the years that you’ve never got a chance to learn even the first thing about us, discuss the problem of our existence while we are absent. While you do that me and a couple of gay, atheist friends are gonna get together and try and tackle the problem of whether:

1) The newly formed North London Dungeons & Dragons questing group will accept applications from old men with all the answers, a superiority complex and an arrogant, patronising definition of what it means to ‘love’ someone…

2) Whether said windbags are allowed to speak… ever, irrespective of if they are a part of our club or not.

I trust you will adhere to whatever we decide… after all the word of the dungeon master is law.

Lots of love

The Gays

P.s. Gaydar may well be a myth — but that Jesus was definitely a massive bender.

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