Five things England fans can blame instead of England
“It is not the critic who counts…
…The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails whilst daring greatly.”
— Theodore Roosevelt
England failed last night. And whilst it remains to be seen if they did so whilst daring greatly, it is absolutely true that Chris Robshaw and his men knew the bitter pain of humiliating defeat this morning.
It is not the proper thing to harshly criticise those men who fell at Twickenham last night — especially when wounds are still as raw as this. We all know losing sucks. However — if this Daily Mail reader is anything to go by — many fans are hurt and angry about England receiving the dubious honour of becoming the first host nation in the history of the Rugby World Cup to fail to make it out of the group stages.
I feel it’s wrong to sandbang the team directly, but venting is cathartic, so, in the best interest of Stuart Lancaster and his squad, I’ve put together a short list of things fans should direct their tantrums at:
1: Tournament marketing/advertisement/ex-player cash-ins
The company behind England’s successful World Cup bid — promised World Rugby an increase in profit from the £90million profit New Zealand cleared four years ago.
So you can see why rights holders and organisers had to cram in so much advertising. A sneaky two-minute ad break between national anthems and kick-off is damn-near inexcusable, regardless. This vibe-killing pause has a negative affect on atmosphere inside the stadium and allows tension to evaporate into the cool Autumn night.
Irate England fans should target brand cash-ins like ‘We always back ourselves at home’ and ‘Lucozade; only for the home nations’, too. The less said about Matt-fucking-Dawson and that Hakarena horror-show, the better.
Buy some Sennheisers and a crate of Gatorade to help disrupt profits in protest.
2: Lengthy rest periods between matches
With a whole week between matches for the home boys, did they even know they were in a tournament? Couple comfortable multi-million pound training facilities to a certain level of complacency that comes with playing in your own ends, it may have been that England were just too chilled out to mount an effective World Cup campaign.
At least Fiji and Japan, with a mere three-or-four days between games, knew they were in a fight.
Gird your loins at the injustice of week-long recovery periods, Englanders!
3: ‘England’ fans
Or rather, ‘bucket list’ fans. The kind of person that #selfies their way around the Grand Tour of British sporting events; Centre Court at Wimbledon, an FA Cup Final, the Royal Enclosure at Ascot, London 2012’s Super Saturday…These people — aided by sky-high tickets — price out passionate fans and suck the soul out of big games.
Those who are more interested in an Instagram filter than Dan Cole’s dark arts should not be welcome at HQ: Twickers should’ve been for true fans, not plastic ones.
I don’t care how gutted you are that your iPhone battery died, NEVER boo your Head Coach.
4: The weather
The UK is sitting in the middle of an unseasonable spell of warm weather. Almost like a southern hemisphere spring. Could there be an high-tech plot by an Australian billionaire to create perfect conditions — does Newscorp have a Future Tech department?
5: David Cameron and the Conservatives
England have never won a major sporting event under Tory rule. The football world cup in 1966? Labour’s Harold Wilson was Prime Minister. Fast forward to 2003 and that glorious night in Sydney and it was Tony Blair and his merry band of warmongers at the helm.
Even the successes of the London 2012 Olympics came under the unholy Tory/Liberal Democrat Coalition.
The evidence is clear. Stuart Lancaster and his men were doomed to fail back in May by a sweeping Conservative victory in the general election. The only way for England to get back to its former glories on the rugby field is to oust the tories; to the barricades!
