10 places I’ve checked into on Facebook
To prove I don’t only post pictures of my children, I check into ‘amusing’ places on Facebook. Generally, friends and family do not react to these ‘check-ins’.
Here’s ten of the best.
1. The Sausage Man
He sells German sausages from a truck in Lewisham, SE London. I’ve checked in here more than once. The name makes me think of an erotic superhero.
2. Fantastic Temple of Ass
I must have searched ‘ass’. I was probably lying on the sofa, empty wine glass cast to the floor. I have a faint memory of my mother mentioning, during Sunday evening Facetime, that she thought the name offensive. FTA got a few likes on Facebook. People thought it a hipster gym.
3. Hannah
Does Hannah know she’s a place? If so, does she know that I’ve checked in? My friends don’t react to Hannah check-ins. Even friends called Hannah.
4. Babe’s Showgirls
I searched ‘babes’. I checked in. I think it’s a LA strip club. Later, Dad asked, without mentioning Babe’s Showgirls, whether I knew that prospective employers have ways of accessing people’s Facebook accounts.
5. Mobile Dog Massage
If it’s ‘mobile’, how can it be marked on a map? And why would people want their dogs massaged? Is it an American thing?
The picture suggests it’s people massaging dogs, rather than mobile dogs massaging people. Dogs don’t have hands.
6. Granny Wobbly’s Fudge Pantry
There can’t be many shops with a name that sounds like a euphemism for an old woman’s vagina. Friends and family thought this check-in inappropriate. ‘Grow up,’ they said. ‘Your hatred of old people is only matched by your hatred of women,’ they said.
One commented ‘I love fudge’.
7. Cartridge World Orpington
A world of cartridges. Almost as dull as the commuter town of Orpington. (‘But Bowie grew up nearby!’, they cry. Didn’t stay for long, did he? Mind you, Orpington probably didn’t have Cartridge World back then.)
8. Dog Powered Robot
I must have drunkenly typed ‘dog’ and ‘robot’ into Facebook. Like you do. Friends and family don’t share my enthusiasm for the idea.
The place has a website (http://www.makerfaireorlando.com/exhibit/dog-powered-robot-labs/) with a picture of a tiny dog inside a cardboard robot’s chest. It looks photoshopped (like all things that on first glance appear amazing).
9. Darren Massive
A friend of Hannah’s? Neither do I know Darren Massive, nor why I checked into him on 17 September 2014. He has a troubling face. He looks like he’s thinking of ways of humiliating me. I don’t like Darren Massive.
10. Penis Reduction Clinic
I’m sorry, everyone.
