4 explosive extracts too controversial to make the final edit of Michael Wolff’s Trump book

Exclusive to Medium

1. Fake hands

In the weeks before inauguration, Trump met with robotic experts. He’d been hurt by the “fake news” coverage of his small hands. “He’d sketched out this idea on the inside of a Big Mac box. It was essentially a pair of gauntlets that he’d wear over his hands. Motors would supplement the strength of his grip, an element he was particularly enamoured with,” an insider told me. However, when the prototypes were delivered to Trump Tower, there was an important design flaw that meant he abandoned the idea, instead relying on tight cuffs and Photoshop to make his hands appear more bigly. “He soon discovered that although the robotic hands both looked convincing and contained sufficient power to crush the bust of Billy Graham that he’d been convinced to place on his desk, they lacked the ability to do one important thing — operate a cell phone. You know when you’re wearing gloves and the touch screen doesn’t respond? It was exactly like that. Which meant, obviously that he wouldn’t be able to tweet while wearing his huge robotic hands. His final act, before getting Bannon to chuck the arms down the garbage chute, was to crush the hands of the inventor who’d produced the things. Obviously, the inventor also got a huge pay off too — probably enough to make himself new hands.”

2. Destroying George Washington

“It was the first week in the White House. Everything was all over the place. In the Oval Office, Trump was trying to discuss changing the variety of ketchup stocked by the White House with Kushner and Conway,” an intern told me.

It was late at night and Donald Jr and Eric had eaten too many presidential jelly beans. Trump was at the Resolute desk, trying to recall the brand name of his preferred tomato sauce (Heinz). There was a huge crash. Trump, Kushner and Conway turned to see Donald Jr on top of Eric, lying in what remained of the glass coffee table that sat in between the room’s sofas.

“It was the first time I’ve ever seen him genuinely shout,” said Conway. “He stood, red faced, and ordered the two boys to bed.”

Only, Donald Jr and Eric didn’t follow their father’s command. Instead, they started a pick-up game of basketball in the hallway with a couple of interns and Sean Spicer.

“We ended up in the East Room. We moved furniture to the sides and for the first time since election night, we enjoyed ourselves. Right up until Eric made a finger tip interception which sent the ball spinning towards the Lansdowne portrait of George Washington. He was our first president, you know.”

Time slowed. The ball struck the revolutionary hero square in the chops, tearing through the canvas, removing, it seemed, Washington’s head from his shoulders.

“We all kind of crept away. When Trump found out, he wasn’t bothered. We said it must have been a former Obama staffer and he seemed to accept the excuse.”

3. A stand-in First Lady

It’s no secret that Melania hated the idea of living in the White House and doing everything expected of the First Lady. Instead, her priorities were: eating lunch and buying clothes and pouting and ensuring the staff were looking after her son properly.

“It was her idea. We had to stifle grins when it was suggested over buckets of KFC in the Blue Room. Was she joking? Nothing she’d ever done or said had ever suggested a sense of humour before now. But Trump leapt on the idea. Ivanka was a big supporter too. Obviously, she had contacts in Hollywood and arranged for a casting call to take place. It was all very hush hush. The women, and one man, were driven to Trump Tower in the dead of the night. They were all dressed in McDonald’s uniforms too for added secrecy. Trump was kept out of the loop. We knew he couldn’t be trusted. The women, they were great. Each one looked like Melania. The problem came when none of them would agree to be touched by the president. It’s 2018, we understand that asking them to sleep with him was inappropriate. Hell, even Melania refuses to. But none of the women would even consent to a hand on the back or a kiss on the cheek, no matter how much money was offered.” There was one woman, however, that didn’t have such qualms. “Even though she didn’t seem to care about physical intimacy and looked exactly like the First Lady, she was pro-abortion and anti-guns, so that was never going to fly, not with Bannon still circling.”

4. Ivanka’s auras

The president’s favourite child, in the context of the White House, is a rational, intelligent individual. However, there was one thing that a number of contacts confirmed — her belief that she could see auras around people.

“She said she was born with this gift. She could see coloured lights around people. Different colours meant different things. If you’re green, you can’t be trusted. If you’re yellow, you eat too much cheese. If you’ve a red aura, it means that you are a deeply sexual person. If you have purple, you will die prematurely. She had this little notebook that she carried around everywhere. It had ‘Ivanka’s Aura Key Book’ on the front in her flowery handwriting. There was a little image of a unicorn in the bottom right, a rainbow in the top left.” Initially, colleagues thought all this to be charming. In some cases, her aura reading even proved accurate. “Michael Flynn’s aura was brown. She always insisted. You want to know what that indicated? That he was full of shit. Maybe she was on to something.”

When she began to request photographs of visitors to the White House, things got out of control. “She’d be wanting to know why the photos had no auras on them,” said a secret service agent. “She’d storm into the office and demand to know what we’d done with the auras, where we’d put them, if we had a box. She threatened to fire us all if we didn’t amend our cameras. She needed auras. So we got this young kid, fresh out of the marines, to colour in the auras. Literally, there on the table with a box of crayons. I mean, obviously Kushner finally got involved when Bannon threatened to leak. The weirdest thing was how Ivanka changed after we started colouring. I mean, she really like our auras. She never questioned the colour choices either. I kind of grew to like her. She’d bring coffee sometimes.”

Ivanka never revealed what colour her father’s aura was. In fact, she always became quite anxious whenever that question cropped up.

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