Coming out in October

Tommy King
Aug 24, 2017 · 2 min read

Part I

“I’m gay.”

The confession fell from my mouth like a single drop of water over Victoria Falls. I waited for it to hit bottom. But as each moment passed, with Ben sitting across from me unfolding his arms in slow motion, this surge of truth had a better chance of dissipating into the next morning’s fog.

“You’re gay.” Ben verified, as though I’d told him his portion of the check. Which was always more than mine because he was a big guy and could put away food for days.

This monotone repetition of my words was his way of allowing the thought before my confession to coalesce over, through, under and profusely preposition his gray matter. When it clicked, you could see a roll-call light in his eyes.

“So you like guys.” Another Ben-coalescing statement, and then the sudden afterthought, a bit more urgently. “But not me. Right?” Hopeful.

“Of course not!” I volleyed back. “You’re like my brother. Also, you’re not my type, then there’s that.”

Ben leaned forward, his arms completely unfurled now and making an arrow on the table, with me dead center. “Type?”

“Yes.” I reiterated. “Type. I dunno, I just want to be dominated by a strong male presence.”

“So you’re telling me you’re gay, AND you’re the receiver. We’re quickly crossing into the realms of lunch time TMI bro.” Ben grumbled. He was hungry, and his blood sugar, which according to him was forever as low as a restaurant was close, was impatiently awaiting our order for mood improvement.

“No, I’m not saying that. Well, maybe I am. You are pretty perceptive. Sure you’re not gay?” I laughed a little too loudly. More to let off some pressure. It felt like my head was making boiled peanuts and the release valve was stopped up. Why was it so hard to admit this to my best friend? We’d only known each other a year, yet he should have surmised this some time ago. He should have already…

“I figured. I mean, I knew. Know. Have known, whatever the fuck. So why are you telling me like this? Some kind of gay principle that you have to out yourself to be authentic and all? Don’t worry about it man, it’s all good. Just let it happen.”

“No. I mean yes. I mean…jeez, you’re verbal indecision is viral. I haven’t actually come out yet. With you, it’s easy, because you know me so well, so I have always relaxed that social sense that I felt I’ve needed to use to protect myself. But with others, not so much. Just let it happen is a good sentiment, albeit a bit passive. I want to control this. So I am coming out. Soon. Full on. And you’re going to help me.”

The food arrived at the exact moment Bens blood sugar boiler needle crossed into the red, in tandem with his curiosity. After plates landed and he grimaced our waitress away, he looked up from his steaming entrée and faltered.

“Wait. Why am I not a strong male presence?”

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