I have an intense hatred of bark and all it represents.
I expect all break ups to be done ceremoniously with as much pomp and circumstance as can be arranged or else what’s the point.
I love everything about water except for the wetness.
I gave a talk to my grade 8 English class about my knees that some critics called “yikes” and “illuminating” and “passive aggressive but towards who or what is unclear” and “quite possibly the most detailed and disturbing speech about knees that seems to be more of a commentary on his dislike of rubber bands”.
For those new around here, allow me to welcome you to Medium, either an expansive playground or empty lonely windowless room where you spend your days crying over why nobody likes you. If you are one of the lucky ones, both.
I know it is hard to believe what with my command of a small selection of vocabulary words and passible-if-one-is-being-kind ability to correctly use punctuation marks, but I was once new, too, just like you.
Back when I was new around here, and still had that new car smell — don’t ask — I wondered a few…
He always wore a necktie when he went to work.
Chest artificially puffed out because he hated the gym.
Made him feel big and important and, for some reason, Swedish.
Preening around the office like a peacock, his underlings cowering in the corners of their cubicles wondering if they, too, should imitate birds with plumage of elaborate iridescent colouration.
Haircut one could set their watch to if all other means of assuring the time was correct were unavailable.
Shirts starched, pants pressed, ties flapping in the wind or, if not windy, he’d have his assistants lug around a set of…
I met her at a Frisbee tournament.
I know, talk about your clichés.
A few days before the tournament, I randomly bumped into an old acquaintance whom I hadn’t talked to in ages — all good things do come to an end after all. After we exchanged a few pleasantries, he invited me to come away with him and his friends for a weekend of thrill, intrigue and gallivanting, or, in other words, an ultimate Frisbee tournament.
I told him I’d have to take his request under advisement and that I’d have to check my busy calendar, which we both…
This is the most smooth, silky bowl of soup that you will ever devour and it will make you re-evaluate all soups from your past that you considered smooth and silky.
2 Tablespoons Vegetable Oil
1 Large Onion
3 Garlic Cloves
1 Teaspoon Salt
2 Tablespoon Ginger
2 Teaspoons Thai Red Curry Paste
1 Butternut Squash (around 2.5 pounds)
1 Stalk Lemongrass
3 Cups Water
1 14 oz Can Coconut Milk
2 Kaffir Lime Leaves
Agave Syrup (optional)
2 Cups Spinach
1/2 Cup Cilantro
Handful Thai Basil Leaves
1) Peel and chop the onion. Instead of predictably tearing…
The addition of injury to insult should be accepted as applied math at it’s finest!
Water in pots will not only come rapidly to a boil, but they will be watched by many as sort of a sport or a pastime!
Any and all hat dropping must stop now as should the performing of tasks or meeting of people in juxtaposition of these typically unscheduled hat droppings!
Stitches in time would be no different then regular old stiches in their ability to save random numbers!
The rash and unpredictable judging of books by their covers should be applauded and encouraged!
He is struggling
It’s all so hard.
And dark and stale.
Like climbing a high wall or swimming against a strong current
Slowly losing ground no matter how hard he tried, when he used to try
This is what his life — if that’s what it’s called — has become, dissolved into
Like some salt, swirled around into a glass of lukewarm water
Nothing hot or cold any longer, everything has blended together
Numbed, no edges, no extremes
No peaks or valleys or ups or downs or thrills or spills
Just a long, flat, road leading…
Greg Mackenzie had it all.
Classic leading man looks, book smarts, street smarts and the rare type of smarts when books and streets intersected. He always had a relaxed nature about him that everyone liked. An endless stream of almost-literally-hot-to-touch girlfriends, landing prime jobs with corner offices, a jaw that announced to the world “take me seriously” as well as “you know this is just my jaw you are looking at”. He’d even won the draw for a prize at the state carnival on two separate occasions. …
“Ladies and gentlemen, one more time, Freddie Freeloader! Great job, Freddie!
Now for our final act of the evening, the headliner. That’s right, next up on stage we have a real treat — the legend himself — bringing his unique brand of comedic-vulnerable-no-holds-barred storytelling that has received rave reviews — unless you want to get burned, literally — from critics and fans around the world. Here he is, all the way from inside his dark lair next to the enchanted forest by the castle near the cliff, it’s Draeden the Dragon!”
“Hey there! Great to see you all out there…
She wrote him a long letter, but he didn’t read it.
She was always writing letters that he didn’t read. And they pilled up, in the closet he never entered. Gathering dust, filling the space, torturing him.
A small part of him wanted to tear them up or start a fire or maybe hide beneath them like they were a cozy blanket that could protect him from the cold.
But he never did.
And never would.
The thunderous roar of the jet overhead confirmed her worst fears.
The plane had arrived. …
I write creative non-fiction, humorous and random short stories, unique and tasty recipes and fiction involving odd and funny relationships. I also love cheese.