I think many non-straight people see us straight men this way:
Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; ’cause chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
It’s all about POV and programming.
First — wow you really went into depth, and while I don’t agree with everything — well done.
The world is so tribally factioned now, and the forces that would divide us love to get us all insecure about ourselves, our bodies, our race, our gender, our politics.
Allow me to allow you to stereotype me, I’m “straight”, and 58. People think I’m much younger, which is fine in our youth oriented society. I get a bit of a rebate from my genes. Cool. Doesn’t make me better or worse, just is.
I’ve been involved with several women along my journey. “heteronormative” — yeah I guess that’s where it started for me. Sorry, I’m older — it’s called time marching on. Worked in IT for years, and got out of it many years ago .
I have had over the years, several gay friends, which means gay and bi but have never had any trans people in my circle of friends.
One thing I learned, is that the term “gay” is a bit of an oxymoron, as most “gay” people have a drama train a mile long, and are hardly “gay” in the true sense of the original definition. Caused by? All this societal stuff, and of course emotional issues, etc. and everything you mentioned in your piece.
I realize I’m coming from a traditionally “heteronormative” pov, where homosexuality (et al) is considered the downfall of society. But that was then, this is now.
I decided, that many of the points of view we carry, are like 5lb bags of rocks that we have voluntarily strapped to ourselves or allowed others to strap to us, like people in authority do to vulnerable humans when they are young. Churches, school teachers, well-intentioned but misguided parents.
All those rocks get heavy, and it’s better to let them fall by the wayside.
As to my traditional upbringing, and homophobia, I decided it was no longer a bag of rocks I wanted to carry. Why do I need to care? Why do I need to care about the life of gay people, bi people, trans people? How will their marriages and/or relationships affect me? Answer: Zero. ( I also gave up religion and became an atheist.)
So I removed the “care” about it from my world. I honestly do not care, and when the topic comes up where others want to discuss it, if it gets into the bashing zone, I check out. I have my feelings which remain, happy as a straight guy but respectful of other people's choices and statuses etc.
My sexual desire for women has not waned, and I’ve even been approached and had my ass grabbed in public by younger gay men. Yay. But I never felt like that was something I would enjoy. Cool, I got gay-validated. But overall, I seem to attract strong, assertive, highly intelligent, attractive women. Yay. Works ok for me. Wish I’d have figured out some “game” when I was younger and my conquest number would have been higher. (j/k)
If gay people, bi people, etc. want to live with each other,, marry etc. I think they get the good with the bad just like straight people — accept that and move on.
Now as to your thesis on feeling insecure in the workplace, about male mentalities that are embarrassing, insecure, and do not make you comfortable — those same guys that put trips on women also put trips on other men in the workplace too.
Especially the bright ones. A huge problem growing up as a highly intelligent geek is that when we’re younger, in our 20’s and 30’s we generally have horrible social skills.
A tendency towards getting the last word in, condescension, complete misunderstanding of women (gay/straight/bi) to the point we are stereotyped in comedy in popular media.
For many bright young geeks, women are terrifying or seen as “other”. If they have a sister sibling, they may just turn out ok, but the geek mind seems to cripple social skills.
I’ve seen this nasty competitiveness first hand, people snipping at each other’s work, a feeling of never being good enough. Especially in the IT/tech world.
And this competitiveness in corporate workplaces prevails such that young geeks are pulled into a world of constantly having to prove themselves worthy, and to constantly rank and be ranked like a prison yard.
So perhaps the uncomfortableness is just part of the landscape where you work, where no one is really happy or feeling secure, so whatever bullshit they are and carry with them is just their insecurity popping like a zit in their social interactions at work.
They go home to a rather lackluster world of gaming, junk food and poor furniture choices. Longing for a real relationship without drama. (Male and/or female)
Most guys in IT/tech/coding are some of the most miserable people I have EVER been around.
(Most corporate IT shops are just extraction mills, consuming, extracting and USING every drop of intelligence, such that every cubicle is like a little oil well. In those places, you are there to be extracted from, and is is masked as a “career” and they throw you a few bucks and a title and you become a well producing little oil well for the big corporate machine.)
I’ve found later in life that while I had some great relationships with women, many wanted to feminize me without respecting my maleness. They wanted to run me. I can’t wear a dress . Sorry, I need none of it and anticipate the rollout of android sex bots.
At this point in my life I can look back to some great relationship moments, had a wife and kids, but in review, I can see I am happier being single again, where I can be me, and not roped into roles and “responsibilities”.
I’m reverting to my genetic self, a guy who doesn’t believe in “growing up”, and doesn’t want to be owned by anyone, or anything.
Embrace who you are. Own it. And if people around you cannot accept you, then fuck ’em.
Seriously. The American Dream or ideal was supplanted by The Industrial Revolution. The original “dream” was once one of INDEPENDENCE.
Start your own business, and stop putting yourself in places that demean you.
Sorry, that was probably more writing than I should have done but my coffee was good this morning and you inspired me. Thanks