LeBron James vs. Lonzo Ball Could Be Devastating
LaVar Ball just painted a target for the king of petty
LaVar Ball’s public relations campaign for his family business, Big Baller Brand, has revolved around taking shots at the largest figures in basketball. Targets have included Steph Curry (Lonzo is a better player), MJ (LaVar would have killed him one-on-one), and LeBron (his kids will have a difficult time making it in the pros). In making such claims, LaVar has championed his family as antagonists to pro-hoop’s most beloved idols.
The first two comments were outlandish because they were patently untrue. The last comment concerning LeBron’s kids, however, treads into deeper water. In all fairness to LaVar, he claims that he was asked a question about LeBron’s kids and that’s why he commented as he did. But, to be fair to everyone else, Steph Curry was asked a question about LaVar’s kids and he answered like this. Baited or not, LaVar crossed an unspoken line. LaVar was talking about LeBron’s sons, so all LeBron heard was, “I’m a better dad than you are,” which means that all levels of petty stand to be unleashed.
It should be noted that LaVar chose to compare his parenting abilities to LeBron James in one of the areas that LeBron James is definitely the expert: knowing how to make it as a professional basketball player. LaVar may be right — in some ways, it must be very difficult being the son of an NBA player — but if I were about to be reborn with full choice of parentage and my only goal was to learn how to make it in the NBA, I would take my chances in the household of a man who is widely regarded as the best current basketball player in the world and who signed a $1 billion shoe deal, not the one who is loudly hoping for his sons to do the same.
This, in many ways, is where LaVar’s absurdity stems: his undying commitment to personal branding, despite a brand that’s not very marketable. How would you even represent Big Baller Brand on a shoe? As far as aesthetics go, the letter B is uninspiring. The only thing worse is three of them, one B peering out from between the other two, oddly self aware of its awkward shape and ill fit as a marquee letter.
I hate this so much. Also, notice how the red letters/numbers on the ends are semi-dynamic and that middle, white 3 looks like it’s atrophied from shame and is going to peel itself off of the shirt, climb into another article, and start its own word? That middle 3 is LiAngelo, who, mark my words, will be the most successful of the Ball brothers, in large part because having middle child syndrome can be a very good thing when fitting in with your family means riding out a potentially toxic fame ship to the sea of no humility. Also, this shirt sells for $50.
In the moments in which he is a caricature of his own self-promotion, LaVar Ball becomes a real life Saturday morning cartoon villain. He is Pete from the Goofy cartoons if, instead of standing in opposition to his quirky neighbor, Pete antagonized people who existed in the center of the cultural universe. LaVar Ball is Mr. Swackhammer, concocting his sons as the real-world Monstars. That comes with a price.
Having a cartoon villain as a father is not ideal, having one as a promoter is dangerous, and having one as both is the equivalent of wearing a “DUNK ON ME” sign. I say this with the utmost sympathy for everyone involved: petty LeBron is a force that should not be provoked. LeBron’s first game against Lonzo could potentially be world-ending. Here are some possibilities.
Scenario 1: LeBron takes it upon himself to demonstrate that Lonzo is not prepared for the NBA and that LaVar is thus a worse father than he is. LeBron mans up Lonzo on D, gets half a dozen chase down blocks, puts up 35 points, buys his family court side seats, buys Lonzo’s family court side seats, dunks on Lonzo, dunks on LaVar, whispers “Zhuri has better form” in Lonzo’s ear, and then wears a #1 Dad shirt in his post game interview. Despite assurances from league executives that LaVar’s antics would not lower Lonzo’s draft value, it becomes apparent that they did not account for LeBron’s personal vendetta against the Ball family, which will last for eternity.
Scenario 2: LeBron demonstrates that he is a better father than LaVar by providing unconditional support to Lonzo. When Cleveland hosts Lonzo for the first time in the season, LeBron invites Lonzo’s family to the game. LeBron and Lonzo embrace at center court. Suddenly, LeBron is handed a microphone and the arena music stops. “I just wanted to take a few minutes to talk about Lonzo, who is a young face in this league and who is someone that I am happy to mentor. I know that Lonzo possesses greatness, and I want to help him cultivate that greatness. That’s why I am pleased to announce my latest project with Nike, the Lonzo 1's!” LeBron takes the shoes out of the box and they’re beautiful — except they’re basically just LeBrons but instead of the LJ crown symbol there’s a lowercase l wearing a small, regal tiara. Lonzo can’t believe it — he got his sneaker endorsement after all. Later, Lavar and Lonzo learn that the money from the shoe deal has been put into a 401k in Lonzo’s name and that it cannot be touched until Lonzo reaches retirement age. “I’m just always trying to think of Lonzo’s future,” LeBron says.
Scenario 3: LeBron forces his sons to stop playing basketball and instead encourages them to pursue the arts. In the minutes leading up to the first scheduled game between Lonzo’s team and the Cavaliers, it is announced that LeBron will not be in the starting lineup. When asked about his absence, LeBron reveals that he was at his sons’ music recital. “Some things are more important than basketball,” he says.
