This single, 35-year-old bartender prefers to fly Spirit Airlines during the holidays.

by Tom Rowen & Jess Rionero

LOS ANGELES, CA — A week after the holidays settle down, Hollywood bartender, Jake McIntire, will finally head back to his hometown. McIntire, reportedly, ONLY flies Spirit Airlines. When asked why he replied, “It’s cheap! And let’s be honest everyone on this plane is just as sad as I am.”

McIntire handed the attendant an extra tip just to sit down. When asked McIntire said, “I don’t mind paying all the extra fees that usually don’t occur on other airlines. Plus it keeps me close to the common everyday people, man.”

This will be his first visit home in almost 18 years. McIntire explained that after listening to Bruce Springsteen’s album “Born To Run” at age 17, he broke up with his girlfriend and left “that dump of a town” to try and find “meaning”.

In his duct-taped duffel bag, McIntire has a copy of Jack Kerouac’s On the Road with entire passages underlined. “It really inspired me, man, to write my own novel,” he said referencing a notebook filled with notes for a novel he’s been “working on for years.”

McIntire, who works at famed Hollywood dive bar, Big Gloom Saloon, has apparently always worked the holidays. “Hey, it’s good money and beats staying alone in my studio,” McIntire said, “It’s a pretty cool place! I’m getting a lot of research for my book done working there. You know Charles Bukowski? He refused to drink there cause it made him depressed ––which is pretty cool!”

When asked what his plans were upon returning to his hometown on the Oregon coast, McIntire said he’s going to reach out to his old high school girlfriend. Maybe see if he can rekindle that, “old flame”. When reached for comment, McIntire’s high school girlfriend, Gloria Wagner, now a Manhattan-based corporate attorney and mother of two, responded, “Wait Jake who? Oh yeah, I hooked up with him in high school, I think?”

When informed of her new life on the East Coast, McIntire responded, “Oh wow, well I guess maybe I’ll just wander the town…maybe I’ll see if Ms. Randell’s, my old English teacher, is around. She was smoking hot!” As McIntire prepares for take-off, he put his cracked iPhone 4 on airplane mode. Due to Spirits policy of charging extra for pillows and blankets, McIntire is stuck using his jacket for both.

Note: McIntire did, in fact, reach out to Ms. Randell and received word that she had passed away in 2013.