A Very Sloppy Brexit

Former Labour Leader Ed Miliband after a sloppy Brexit, Wandsworth

Rumour has it that since the EU referendum certain brothels catering to high society are offering a ‘sloppy Brexit’ among their services. Sources close to senior parliamentary figures have described this service to me in several ways but it always involves Vaseline and an illegal immigrant. The same sources suggested that civil servants are ‘inundated’ with fresh requests for the immigration status of the individuals in question.

Unelected Thatcherite dictator Theresa May is rumoured to have participated in a group sloppy Brexit in a private club in Hammersmith, though my sources were unable to confirm (or deny) this. What has become clear is that the Foreign Office have taken to bringing in illegal immigrants via consuls in Greece and Croatia, such is the appetite for this service among its upper echelons.

The stupid thing is, I would have voted for Brexit had there been some kind of simple plan for how it would be executed that guaranteed continued access to the single market, the status of British people living within the EU and the ability to for Brits to go and work in the EU. But I was asked to vote Brexit because of immigrants and some crap about more money for the NHS. So I voted Remain.

Like many I was disappointed with the result on the day of the referendum. What has been far more disappointing is that manner in which the Tories have gone about developing their plans for Brexit. One would have thought that given that the MOD’s Development, Concepts and Doctrine Centre have been predicting this for years that someone had drawn up some kind of fucking plan for how we’d go about doing this. Either that plan never existed, or has been ignored.

I think it’s the latter, mainly because of Tucker’s Law:

If some cunt can fuck something up that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck it up because that cunt’s a cunt.

That is to say, the one time when the cabinet should have listened to the MOD and the other civil servants in the loop they apparently chose not to. On the only major political decision this country has made this decade the conservative and steady hand of the civil service (so often a millstone around the neck of meaningful reform) should have been able to deflect the worst elements of a sloppy Brexit.

Instead we’ve heard endless claims about ‘the best possible deal’ which is meaningless rhetoric. Now we’ve had a lengthy but largely empty government white paper which highlights various ‘themes’:

  • Trade: The UK will withdraw from the single market and seek a new customs arrangement and a free trade agreement with the EU.
  • Immigration: A new system to control EU migration will be introduced, and could be phased in to give businesses time to prepare. The new system will be designed to help fill skills shortages and welcome “genuine” students.
  • Expats: The government wants to secure an agreement with European countries “at the earliest opportunity” on the rights of EU nationals in the UK and Britons living in Europe.
  • Sovereignty: Britain will leave the jurisdiction of the European Court of Justice but seek to set up separate resolution mechanisms for things like trade disputes.
  • Border: Aiming for “as seamless and frictionless a border as possible between Northern Ireland and Ireland.”
  • Devolution: Giving more powers to Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland as decision-making is brought back to the UK.

‘Aiming for’ and ‘seek to’ are optimistic phrases, designed to reassure the public that the government knows what it is doing and what needs to be protected. However, what I see is some relatively small changes to what we have now, begging the question of why we didn’t we (a) just do this and not bother with the referendum or (b) have this presented by the government prior to the referendum so we knew what we were voting on?

Instead, the old adage prevailed. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. Ask a stupid binary question and you successfully create two baying mobs of angry idiots. Had we been given 12 different Brexit plans (and the option of not Brexiting our own trousers) then they could have gone into a public vote-off competition like The X-Factor, whittling it down until we had the most agreed-upon version of this.

Instead, we were given a yes/no question, and around 37% of the electorate said ‘yes, we give you permission to sloppy Brexit all over our fucking faces’. In a pretend democracy like ours, where all the permanent centres of power are no subject to any kind of public vote, that was enough. ‘The people have spoken!’ cry the Brexiteers, Vaseline and lemon juice dripping from their jowls. ‘Are you even enjoying that?’ some kind-hearted Remainers reply. ‘We don’t even care any more, we made the decision and now you’ve got to live with it!’ comes the response. ‘So do you’, some witty fucker at the back retorts.

None of this is really getting us anywhere. It certainly isn’t applying any pressure on the government to actually follow through with their promise to get the ‘best possible deal’. In fact we’re going to get a mediocre deal that probably won’t live up to even the moderate seeking and aiming of the white paper.

Meanwhile the government has been forced to concede to letting MPs vote on the final deal. That will devolve into another binary yay or nay, and will almost certainly result in yay because by that point it’ll be too late to do anything else. Though if Tucker’s Law comes into effect on a massive scale then MPs might still vote nay, leaving us with no option but to strap ourselves in, place both feet on the coast of France and kick ourselves off into the Atlantic towards Trumpland. Which might not even still be Trumpland by the time we get there.

On the plus side, with the sloppy Brexit industry exploding at least it is landing on the faces of illegal immigrants. I wouldn’t want them taking jobs that lazy bigoted British tabloid readers would do.

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