Toni Roberts
Jul 10, 2017 · 4 min read
Sunset Over the Long Island Sound, NYC — Photo by Toni Roberts

Breast Cancer as A Messenger from The Soul

Part Three: Forgiveness

Once I accepted the breast cancer “event” as a messenger from my own psyche, it began to speak to me in signs, signals, people and books — all repeating the same message: forgive. I spent more than a year in psychotherapy first identifying my rage and then learning how to let it go; how to forgive my mother. I was determined to make a clean sweep of the anger, rage and unforgiveness lingering within my heart before these emotions once again manifested in my body as disease.

This Great Mystery we call the Divine does, indeed, work in very mysterious ways. And so, it happened, that no sooner had I discontinued chemotherapy (having found natural ways to rebuild my battered immune system) and was now poised to return to my old life, that my mother’s Alzheimer’s disease became so severe, she could no longer handle her own affairs. I now found myself in charge of both my mother and the money for which she had sacrificed our relationship. “God” certainly had one grand sense of humor.

I took on my new responsibilities with renewed anger and resentment. Apparently I hadn’t forgiven a thing. I raged at this “God” to whom I’d been praying. Was this some kind of sick cosmic humor? I ultimately realized, however, that like it or not this was now my reality. I could fight it — or I could submit to what I was powerless to change. The choice was mine. So instead of making myself ill with futile resistance, I decided to be the kind of mother to this frail, childlike woman that I would have wanted for myself. Life was challenging me to put my money where my spiritual mouth was: to walk the talk.

***

From 2009 to the summer of 2012, when I finally had to place my mother in a nursing home, I worked diligently and conscientiously on changing my attitude. The anger and resentment slowly dissipated, eventually evolving into a sense of simple, uncomplicated caring for another human being. I gained a sense of inner peace and acceptance of my life as it was. I began to sense a relationship with my mother that felt as if it extended beyond this lifetime; as if she and I were working out some ancient conflict. I made a conscious decision at that point to do whatever I was called upon to do — in order to free us both.

***

I remember that last visit to the nursing home. Exactly four days before my mother quietly slipped from her body. As I gently patted her on the shoulder on my way out of her room, I somehow intuited that this would be the last time we saw each other. We exchanged no gushing confessions of love. She looked up into my eyes. I could see the peace in hers. The deer-caught-in-the- headlights-stare was gone; in its place — pure, unadulterated peace. She smiled up at me. I smiled down at her; patted her on the shoulder again; and said jokingly, “You be good now. Don’t go getting yourself into any trouble.” “Oh, Toni,” she answered with a chuckle, “What kind of trouble can I get into in this place?”

***

Funny, it took my mother’s complete departure from this realm for us to finally become friends. I speak to her almost daily now and although I cannot hear her responses with my human ears, something happens in my heart. First it grows still and then it is filled with a flood of emotion that pours down my cheeks in an avalanche of tears. I sense that we are now O.K. with each other. She’s joined my Team of Ancestors. They are “on the Other Side” cheering me on.

On A Clear Day One Can See Forever…Photo by Toni Roberts

So, to you, my mother and the rest of our clan which art in Heaven, I say, thank you. I am now wide awake, listening intently within and following your wise guidance in all that I think, say and do.

Rest in peace, dear mother. Rest in peace. All is forgiven. We are both free.

Do watch for my next article (#4): Having the Courage to Say NO to Further Chemo and Other Breast Cancer Treatments.

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