Sex and the Single Introvert
A lot has been written in recent years about introverts. Susan Cain’s best-seller, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, made a big splash and has been followed by numerous books and articles elucidating the nature of introversion. No longer understood as a diagnosable mental condition — introverted personality disorder — introversion is now considered a healthy personality type with its own strengths and weaknesses.
At last we introverts are seen as normal, right? Well, sort of. One area in which male introverts still struggle is the dating world.
Modern-day dating coaches regularly shame introverted men by comparing them unfavorably to that gold standard of heterosexual masculinity, the mythical alpha male. By labeling any male who falls short of the alpha-male standard a “passive beta male,” dating coaches have turned introverted men into second-class citizens and pathetic alpha-male wannabes.
Witness a recent encounter with dating coach Mr. Magic:
“You’re friendly and sociable. And you have a boyish quality about you. But you have effeminate mannerisms. Are you bisexual?”
“Straight,” I said, somewhat defensively.
“You’re a passive beta male,” he immediately pronounced. “A follower, not a leader. Women are more attracted to alpha males.” My condition had something to do with hormones in the womb, he explained. Nothing I could really do about it.
Mr. Magic said that females are biologically predestined to find alpha males more attractive. He claimed that women swoon instinctively for the dominant alpha male because his machismo is a sure indicator that, should she be impregnated by him, her offspring will be strong enough to survive and prosper — presumably in a competitive world of alpha males.
My chances of coupling with a desirable female had been sabotaged at birth. I did not possess the dominant genes craved by women, so my second-rate genetic matter was headed for extinction.
There you have it, the dismissal of the introverted male as unworthy of attention from most of the world’s women. Citing shallow, pseudo-scientific assumptions about women, dating coaches gaslight men into thinking there is a single type of male they must aspire to lest they end up hapless incels.
Introverts of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your shame… Avoid comparisons with so-called alpha males and play to your strengths. Go places where your best personal qualities shine through. Join clubs, take classes, pursue hobbies and interests, try Meetup groups. Maybe even become a writer.
Most of all, don’t buy into the nonsense offered up by dating coaches. Be yourself in all your introverted glory.
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