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“Game over, @billgates #YouLose #IWin #SeeYouInMars”

SEATTLE, WA — Fresh off celebrating his ascendance as the third richest man on Forbes 2017 billionaires list, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos tweeted this photo of himself enjoying a recent purchase of a life-sized robot inspired by a bet he made after watching the movie Aliens with local friend Bill Gates. Bezos’ net worth reportedly climbed an astonishing $27.6 billion in 2016, putting his estimated total at $72.8 billion, behind only Bill Gates and Warren Buffet who both retained their number 1 and 2 spots, respectively.

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FORT MEADE, MD — A new study released today by the National Security Agency (NSA) has determined that 100% of Americans have never intentionally wanted to open 25 browser tabs at once while using a web browser. “After combing through our massive database on over 300 million Americans representing hundreds of billions of recorded browser sessions, we have not found a single user that has ever deliberately ⌘/CTRL-clicked their bookmarks folder in an attempt to open dozens of links in separate tabs,” concluded the report, noting that launching so many tabs at once can slow down the agency’s data sniffing program and increases the likelihood of it crashing. …

Blames accidental “git-merge” with Vine Camera app

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SAN FRANCISCO, CA — After a failed attempt to sell Vine, Twitter experienced a major meltdown this morning when tweets from Canadian rock band Nickelback started looping incessantly in users’ timelines for exactly 6.5 seconds. “Not even the trolls can stand a chance against Nickleback #NickleBackLoopApocalypse” tweeted Twitter’s now-former Head of Abuse and Safety in an attempt to put a positive spin to today’s looping disaster. The tweet and account has since been deleted.

According to a Twitter spokesperson, the company was rolling out an update to automatically loop videos shorter than 6.5 seconds when a “bug” nearly ripped a hole in the fledgling social network. The engineer responsible has since been hired by rival Facebook after CEO Mark Zuckerberg himself reportedly sent the individual a private message to thank them and to offer a lucrative role at the company. …

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73 wins, 9 losses.

Tonight, the Golden State Warriors eclipsed the 72-win single season record set by the 95–96' Chicago Bulls when they defeated the Memphis Grizzlies 125–104 at Oracle Arena. They had just one shot to break the record and with the home crowd cheering them on, they did exactly that. For the Warriors, it was a storybook night in a fairytale season that now resets with the arrival of the NBA playoffs.

I wanted to take a moment to recap some of the highlights that made these 82 games so magical and why it will go down as one of the finest performances in professional sports history. …

Challenges Mark Cuban to shouting match

News broke Thursday that former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer emerged with the winning $2 billion bid for the Los Angeles Clippers, which may or may not actually be on sale, but whatever.

The sale price, as it stands, would make it the highest ever paid for an NBA franchise, surpassing the $550 million paid for the Milwaukee Bucks just a mere month ago. Assuming the deal goes through, Donald Sterling, whose recorded racist remarks surfaced weeks ago and eventually got him banned for life from the NBA, would net a hefty profit after originally purchasing the team in 1981 for $12 million. …

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Moments after the start of my impressive 5th place finish.

Inspired (somewhat) by true events

At last.

The race was almost starting.

For Todd, the feeling in his extremities had long departed for the day. If he ever wrestled with an anaconda beneath a frigid cold lake, he now knew the feeling. Between each torturous breath, his wired glasses cleared up just enough to make out from faraway what he hoped was an ambulance waiting to carry him away.

Beside him stood four other runners preparing their final routines. Some hopped like a meth addict ready for their afternoon fix. Others stretched out their legs and arms like seasoned athletes. …


Tony Hue

Product Marketer @disqus, @ucirvine alum.

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