Pain, Hurt and Heartbreak

Temitope Lajumoke
Nov 1 · 5 min read

Sitting here writing this while listening to Jealous by Labyrinth and trying not to cry which is really hard. I have so many questions that I would probably never get answers to; What is pain? what is hurt? what does it mean to be heartbroken? Losing a friend, losing a sister, losing a parent, losing a loved one. Why does it feel like a chunk of the heart has been ripped out when someone goes? like a blank space that can never be filled, a work of art that would never be completed, like a missing puzzle piece that would never be found.

This constant tugging like I am about to be launched into space by a medieval time canon…… stuff, squish, light, BOOOM!!! This choking feeling like I am gasping for a source of air I can’t reach, like some invisible force is holding my sobs in, drowning the tears and making my eyes burn. It’s like seriously searching for release that is way beyond my reach. Is this what being heartbroken feels like? or could it just be the pain of loss? I really don’t know. I just know the feelings, I can probably relate to part of Beyonce’s broken-hearted girl because that’s exactly how I feel.

How do you manage that feeling of extreme loss, sadness, hurt, pain, emptiness and guilt that comes with losing a person? How do you manage the heartache that comes with the passing memories, seeing their pictures, hearing their name, thinking of the plans that were made? How long will it last? For how long does the drowning feeling stick around? How do you manage the empty feeling?

It’s hard enough when someone walks away from your life, It’s completely crushing when they pass away. It’s not easy to be strong while you grieve, you tend to ask a lot of questions why? how? but then you start to realize that they won’t want you to be lost or sad or empty but instead, they would want us to be happy and move on and get on the healing path.

It’s not easy to be strong when you grieve, old me would have said it’s necessary but grown me knows that feeling all the emotions and just letting it out helps, instead of burying oneself in tons of work or distractions which just prolongs the hurt and digs the hole deeper. Learning to adjust to them not being around is a lot tougher as there will always be things and situations to remind you of their absence but it would get easier with time.

Although there may be times when we wish to be alone as we cope with loss, it’s important to have a support group around for those times when you might need them; friends, family etc. They bring emotional support which is important as well as physical support, if required. The death of a loved one often leaves a large hole in the life of the survivor that can be, at least temporarily, occupied by a support group/system.

Grief is a process and it comes in stages. It is important to understand that everyone has their own coping mechanism with loss. A time limit cannot be put on grief. You have to allow yourself to experience the stages as the come up.
- Denial: Finding it impossible to believe that the loss of your loved one is real, you may be numb and in shock from the experience.
- Anger: It is normal to feel anger and rage which might be directed at yourself, the loved one for leaving you, people you feel/know had a part to play in the loss, doctors for not healing your beloved or even at God.
- Bargaining: Don’t be surprised if you find yourself trying to negotiate and make a deal with God.
- Depression: That overwhelming feeling of sadness, most times it will not last forever
- Acceptance: Finally coming to terms with the loss and moving forward with your life
It can come in any order and can last for a few days or run through a couple of years. It is also very possible to revisit some of the stages listed but the pain would be more manageable with time.

Moving on and getting on that healing part is a lot, requires a lot of strength, courage and energy but it has to happen. Firstly by accepting the reality of the loss and overcoming the natural denial response. Then allowing the feelings to come and experiencing the pain of grief instead of bottling up the emotions or rejecting the feelings, move with and through it as the feelings ebb and flow; cry a lot, it helps bring relief I know because I tired it. The important thing is to allow yourself time and space to grieve and grow.

Moving on doesn’t mean letting go. We carry the memories of our loved ones with us always . While the pain of loss is real and must be felt, you must continue to live your life again not just for you but also for your loved one. They wouldn’t want you to be downcast, embrace life without them by your side. Understand that your process through grief is your own and people respond to loss differently. Be kind to yourself and know that you will wake up one day and find the pain is less and life can go on.

On the 24th of October, my darling was laid to rest, I watched them lower her casket into the grave, it hurt so bad and I couldn’t help the flow of tears. I have scrolled through pictures countless times, listened to voice-notes, read our texts and your letter over and over, replayed videos wishing you were still here .
Finally accepted that you are gone but then, I have realized that although I lost an angel on earth, I gained a new one in heaven. I miss you so much mami, rest on….

Temitope Lajumoke

Written by

Ambivert. Unapologetic food lover. Fitness junkie. Rebel. Not a Writer. Undergoing Bankai training.

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