How To Overcome Adversity By Harnessing The Remarkable Power Of Extremely Long Sentences That Seem Exciting But Soon Trickle Into Ineffectual Nothingness
Or, How To Write 400 Words Without Saying A Single Meaningful Thing
My life changed dramatically three days ago, utterly and completely transformed when I realised I could begin sentences with bold and interesting clauses without even having to make a point as long as the sentences were long, meandering and made up of incomplete ideas. People WILL pay close attention, transfixed like sprinters at the start of a hundred-metre dash until you do a bait-and-switch, replacing their sprint for an abnormally lengthy marathon few can get through without letting their focus drift away.
You will reach out and GRAB readers’ attentions tightly in your fist at the very beginning, before letting that iron grip relax as your words continue to drone on and on, their attention petering out as their eyelids begin to droop. Suddenly, BAM! another sentence, stirring and vibrant, capturing their attention back as they begin to think, wait, is there even a point to any of this and then, no, there is no point and there never was, everything is a lie and this article is nothing but sheer bluster dressed up as a how-to write column.
Whoa! Yikes! Yeehaw! are some fascinating, powerful interjections to throw in at the start of an unnervingly long set of clauses, strung together with what seems like purpose and drive yet turns out to be mere prevarication and evasion of even making the simplest valid statement. Stop and look wondrously upon this essay as you begin the realisation that it, too has started with much promise, then failed to redeem said promise by the end, letting the last paragraphs dissolve into meaningless drivel.
Yes indeed, it is a good thing that people quickly lose attention and let their vision skim, skim, skim along an essay like this, ignoring the dull, vapid content. This could be a metaphor for something but it isn’t, it’s just words that seem like a point has been made with nothing behind it, the lexical equivalent of an empty echo (echo (echo)).
This last paragraph doesn’t even try to start well, but that’s because everyone has already lost interest and started skimming while thinking about other things, indeed, anything else at all would be preferable to having wasted your time than reading this article. Having hit the word count perfectly, I now end this abomination’s life, as I would a rabid monstrosity, although it is I who have inflicted meaningless on a world in need of answers.
Originally published at www.chrisknightcomedy.com on November 24, 2017.