The Unicorn onesie meh! 26/11/21

Sat in a unicorn turquoise onesie complete with pink tail, yellow horn and beady eyes. I’m 32 years old, wondering what happened to the fun I was promised.

I’m rethinking about Aristotle or some other Greek philosopher talking about how plays shouldn’t give people false ideals, false utopias, dreamscapes to fall into.

I’m thinking about learning about the temporal nature and reproduction of language creates notions and feelings of a reality. Derrida and Butler my university college pals in deconstruction. The systems of language and institutions being inable to understand themselves and create a better alternate future.

I’m thinking about the arrival at work in an office in a dance studio or fast food chain and being saddened by the capitalism on display. Can you not see the bad things? Do I need a tint on these lenses? My Utopian fantasies jarring up against the reality of the situation. It’s the millennial trying to relate to a world that is too individualistic to not be self-serving.

A vision of the Lego block world we live in stuck together by Fraggle glue.

I see leftist circles frustrated by ‘the wrong’ leader being picked, ‘the wrong’ thing being said or focused on. The in-fighting because passion is fucking difficult to contain. I repeat ‘Everyone good is necessary, Everyone good is necessary.’ Activist you may be but the wider perspective needs to be considered.

I join charities as I don’t see the point of working for profit. I wanna make change happen. I want to fix things.

I am the self-assigned marriage counsellor for my parents.

In the charity world you quickly understand your limitations by fixed term funding, not offending the Daily Mail, relationships with corporates, the need for a sustainable relationship with the government. Follow the money.

My parents divorce.

My wings clipped five years ago. Manager -> Team Assistant. I make do. I reconcile. I try to move forward and take on what I can. I am member of the staff forum, I cofound the LGBTIQ+ network and the Mental health and climate change network. I support other teams and managers I put in my thoughts when I feel it is useful to. But to what avail. A changing system with changing people leaves persistent work if your position isn’t established in the hierarchy.

I know I shouldn’t feel like I should have something when I haven’t got it. The expectation of promotion by putting enough work in. Sometimes you just need to grab the opportunities. There are two opportunities floating around at the moment which I need to hold out for two secondment jobs and one permanent. Obviously I’m hoping the permanent. Seconding back into this job would be frustrating in itself. (And now I know I won’t be offered any of them)

Then there’s the transient nature of friendship in my life. All bell and streamers at the start and sometime it just tails off into the occasional annual meet up. There is also the feeling that I need more support, I need to be more open. But I’ve been as open as I can be. What is missing? There is a lack of interest in me being anything more than the silly friend, the gay friend, the fuck buddy. I want more. I want to go round people’s houses on a whim. I want to be part of orgies, but have a primary partner. I want friends to randomly message me. I want a bf. I want a life that feels intact. I want a life that feels full. Fulfilling.