#MeToo and Good Touch
Since the rise of #MeToo, we’ve all heard the wailing:
“How am I supposed to even hug someone or flirt if I’m constantly afraid of a sexual harassment charge?”
I’m a man. I don’t live in that fear. And odds are, I touch more people than you do. Lots more.
You see, I’m actively kinky. I spank, flog, whip, tie, and otherwise torture perfectly nice people (with their consent) several times a week.
I’m also a coach. I provide tactile cues, daily touching thighs, hamstrings, and lower backs, sometimes forcefully, to get lifters into correct positions.
Although a misunderstanding (possible) or malicious charge (astronomically rare) is part of my risk profile, I’m not worried about my bottoms or my lifters charging me with harassment. You see, there’s a secret skill to touching people in the #MeToo era, and I’ll teach it to you for the low monthly cost of…
OK, I’ll come clean. It’s not really a secret, it’s not new, and you probably already know it. Or you should, at least. But you’re probably not doing it, and if you haven’t consciously thought about your touch, if you get a little nervous every time you go in for an awkward nun-hug or know she just got a haircut but don’t know what to say, you should read ahead.
Rules of the Road
If you’re going to touch someone, whenever possible:
- Telegraph your moves
- Pay attention to their response and get clear consent when possible
- Immediately make space and apologize if they express discomfort
- Don’t be a dick
Be a Bad Boxer
When boxing, you’re supposed to keep your movements quiet. Even the smallest unnecessary movement, called ‘telegraphing,’ can blow your surprise and send you straight to the mat.
In most forms of touch, surprise isn’t the goal. If they’re going to reject the touch, we want them to reject it early, so telegraph your move before it goes through.
Sometimes, you’ll need to be explicit, verbal, and clear. This usually brings up nightmares of ‘3 No’ workshops and sex contracts, but it doesn’t have to. Since when has “explicit” meant “boring?” Consider this exchange from an impact kink scene I had recently:
“All right, slut. The easy part is over. I think you’re ready for the single tail.”
In kinky play, I’ve already negotiated what’s acceptable before the scene starts (including what I call them), but check-ins like these help. Consider the content: In the space of one sentence, I’ve told them:
- I’m upping the intensity
- I’m moving to a whip
- This move depends on their readiness for it
“But nobody’s got time for that! I’m just trying to hug people without a lawsuit!”
The same applies for lighter social contact. When I go to hug someone, I’ll raise my arms, open my body posture, and start the hug a few steps away from the person. Sometimes I’ll even ask: “May I?” or “Hug?” as I do it. It only feels awkward the first few times you try it.
Freely announce your first move with clear words and actions. Easy. Mostly.
It’s the next step where people tend to tank it.
Pay Attention
Imagine your in-laws give you a call. They’re coming on Saturday. You don’t want them to come. You tell them that, but they’re so excited talking about their last trip and seeing the kids that they don’t hear you before they end the call. Saturday afternoon, your doorbell rings and there they are.
Why are you so upset? They told you they were coming. They were courteous. You should be ready for them, right?
Of course not. It’s not enough to warn people we’re about to invade their space. The in-laws here aren’t intentionally plowing over you, they’re just not paying attention because in their model of the world, their age and relationship with you gives them free access to your home.
We’re often guilty of the same with hugs, flirting, and other social contact. Families with young children are the worst at this:
“Don’t be scared honey, it’s Uncle Brian! Just a kiss on the cheek.”
Despite the child’s discomfort, we plow through. Same with adults. In short, not everyone wants a hug, or any form of touch, for that matter. If you’re honest with yourself, sometimes you don’t either- you just don’t complain because it’s not worth the fuss. Telegraphing without checking for their reaction can be a consent violation in-progress, and it’s up to the one touched to decide how important that violation is and what to do about it.
When You’re Wrong, You’re Wrong
Sometimes we misread signals. They seem open and actually weren’t, or we thought they were aware of us and we surprised them. They’re not in the right headspace for a compliment, or the guy at the bar actually just wants to be left alone, and they make it clear.
Most people’s response is to get defensive or dismissive. “It was just a hug.” “Sheesh, learn to take a compliment!” “Why come to a bar if you’re not looking to talk?”
Just stop. What this approach tells any reasonable person: “You care more about your ego, social status, and rejection than my boundaries, autonomy, and feeling of safety.” A real winner.
Whatever you were trying to do, the intent is already lost (and probably was before you started). Just apologize. You’re not admitting to nefarious intent by apologizing, even if that’s their suspicion. “Oh, I’m sorry, I misread you.” “Right, didn’t mean to bother you.”
It’s that easy.
Hard Truths
I use these methods to the best of my ability- consciously and effectively- as a strength coach, kinkster, coworker, friend, and romantic partner. They work. But 99% of the time, it’s not the method that’s the problem, but the mindset.
If you’re unwilling to telegraph your moves, if you complain that it’s “too hard” or “I’ve never had to do this before,” you’re either entitled or afraid. The Entitled want exactly the contact they want, how they want it, without having to put thought or effort into the fact that it’s their partner’s to give, not theirs for the taking. The Entitled are used to it being easy for them, not realizing the harm they’ve caused on the way or the systems that made it possible. The Fearful are “Nice Guys.” They have needs, and they’re convinced that making those needs explicit will push people away, so the only way to get what they want is through manipulation. Like Indiana Jones, they try to steal the idol fast enough and smoothly enough that it doesn’t trigger the Rolling Ball of Retribution, and they’re willing to brave that risk to take it.
If you’re unwilling to pay attention, you’re either entitled or unskilled. The Entitled (again) are obvious: “Why should I have to pay attention? I have a right to compliment a pretty girl. It’s a free country.” Not even worth addressing. The Unskilled are more interesting. Raised without these ideas, they’ve never realized the power of consent in ‘normal’ social touch, operating by social norms, and once they’re made aware of it, they have a choice: practice the skill, or be driven by fear of the unfamiliar. They start to experience the discomfort of ‘conscious incompetence,’ awareness of their failures, and some will retreat right here rather than try to be better. These are people who truly can change- with encouragement- and who content like this is meant to target.
Finally, if you’re unwilling to apologize, your target is right. Your ego, social status, and fear of rejection are more important to you than decency to another person.
Wil Wheaton is King
Like many things, it can be boiled down to a simple rule:
Don’t be a dick.
Simple, but in the face of our desires and insecurities, not easy.
Respect other’s space and their desire to engage how they choose.
Spend the minimal effort it takes to lighten your social touch until you know it’s wanted.
Even if only for self-preservation, give people every possible opportunity to back out of a situation.
Accept your role in mistakes and let it go.
#MeToo isn’t a witch hunt. I have yet to wander into a barnful of man-burning feminists waiting for your slightest mistake. What I see is a world full of good people looking for touch, intimacy, closeness, and connection. Applying basic practices, and an uncommon respect for the women in our lives, allows us to have all of that- and more- while still affording everyone the safety they need to share that space with us.
That’s something worth a little effort and thoughtfulness.
