The Thoughts of Company Tapir

What follows is a dialogue between two cracked floor tiles (that is meant in a narcotic sense). One is old and left leaning, the other thinks he has seen your face on the Post Office wall.

Dearest Fanshawe,

I write to you with some concern and alacrity, I fear we are done for! The Assyrians have broken through the cordon! I have issued the order for the men to protect the women and children, they are to fight to the last doughnut.

Adieu dear friend, ’til we meet again in a better place.

Fondest fondness

Cuthbert Fortesque-Smyth- Chimneysweep (Duchess)

Astrid,

I suppose the pencils I sent you were of little use then.

Fondest fond things to all your fondle parts

Ernst von Kloppface

Fanshawe,

The pencils were from you? The covering letter must have become displaced, we assumed they were a part of a devious plan by the Assyrians to gain access to the compound. We managed to drown them all before they could become activated. If only we had known, they could have been our salvation!

Yours in perpetuity

Cuthbert etc. etc.

Dearest Spervan,

Indeed the pencils were from us… in fact, all the covering letter was deciphered with our usual spy code formulae. In order to deal with pressing matters your end, here is the original message in code form. Please run it through your 7 barrel Enigma cheese grater.

Cromerty 9, foolscap 4. Bolton Wanderers 1 Oldham Athletic 1 also.

Noowong

Sven,

I only have access to the 6 barrel enigma cheese grater. I fear the coding has changed as my decrypt reads: “bring tousers, the aardvark is in the pantry”, whilst that may be grammatically correct it is hardly a help to us in our dire situation.

Please resend using the blue cheese protocol

Yours etc etc

Melvin P. Gussethamper

OK, in Blue cheese format (excluding Sarah Ferguson’s 1989 Cheltenham cup hat)

Inho, your voice is getting fainter. Dow Jones, dow jones, dow something dolphin hall.

Both yours and mine

Stuart C Brokendagger

Chorleton,

If I remember correctly we were told at Eton that Colonel Fridgefreezer-sofa had used a similar code during the seige of the turnip field — he was returned to Blighty in a small paper bag! However, I believe you may be onto something — the Assyrians would not expect me to adopt such an old tactic and as such it may just work. I have ordered the men to prepare the cheese on toast.

Pray for us Sigmund

Pedro

In the What else Nancy war of 1893 when the outer perimeter was breached and the inner defences were given a damned good linsing, the sudden deployment of moustache wax confounded the enemy. Their decision to renew the attack after a morning coffee and Zebra caressing break, gave us the time to shore up the defences and wait for the Cavalry. The Cavalry were at the time being, transformed into a Light infantry and beige unit doing special things with pastel shades.

In short, give it a try. You have nothing to lose.

Serge

Naomi,

You are so right, if we don’t give it a try the caterpiddlers might unite. I recall, in ’86 I think it was, that the penguin hordes overcame the lettuce people and their allies the couscus beings. Don’ t exactly recall how they did it but I believe it involved some piccalilli and astro-turf and a deuce amount of not telling the truth. That’s the problem with devious vegetables, they always wear scarfs, gloves and pineapples. In short — Derek Warwick.

Until we baconsandwich

Uri (I’m not bent) Geller

Dorothy,

Indeed I remember it well. You are correct in your assertion that we have nothing to lose; nothing, that is, if you don’t count the trifle mumsie made yesterday and the designer jackets I have hand woven for the palace gold fish. Why oh why is it always the invertebrates that lose out. I plan to devise a method for saving our skins, eating the gold fish and wearing the trifle to keep out the winter chills. In the mean time I will play selections from 2112 on my tooth brush.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel after all.

Here’s hoping

Gervaise

Mildrid,

You said that the invertebrates lose out but think about the poor weevils? All day long they dance the Charleston with some of the more funky weevils getting bad to the dub base beat sounds of … well ,as you say, Derek Warwick. Or is it Dionne Warwick? I can never tell them apart.

You never said why the Assyrians have attacked by the way and what are they doing in Nantwich?

Adieu mon ami

Avis

Constance,

By the time you read this I will have written it.

In reply to your questions:

1) Donny Warwick

2) Having lunch

The Assyrians were trying to recapture their ‘B’ which we had liberated from them during the holy war of g’reethumit. As you well know the Bassyrians are a proud people and having lost their ‘B’ could not return to Bassyria for their annual ear lobe contest. The ‘B’ is well hidden (in the word babbble), I doubt they will easily find it.

Punctitious salivations

Norman

Ganthred,

I assumed as much. The Bassyrians are not dissimilar to us in their use of poppy seeds to extract copper from Turkeys. If only they knew how much mirth that caused Gertrude Stein!

Slicitaions

Slobadon O Tations

Reginald,

Success! The Bassyrians are defeated! In the end it was all too easy,sneaking out at night in my Janet Reger underwear (the perfect disguise for night-time operations) I crept into the Bassyrians camp and stole their ‘S’so rendering them unitary. With only 1 Bassyrian remaining I outfoxed him using the old custard in the tree scam. It worked, the jelly babies are no longer under threat.

Yours

Pendleton Gerome Margret skyscraper

Reg,

Delighted by your news. Lars of course will be both thrilled and relieved….. He,s just come out of the men’s room. He has been a bore of late though. We went to a showing of Goethe,s masterpiece “wither as thy go cretin”. I made the effort and went in full evening wear…bow tie,China mans bamboo hat and batman underpants. Lars came straight from work with his bucket and mop. I may well use your ruse and steal his S! Let’s see how he likes it. On second thoughts, I will liberate the L… More appropriate.

As always, yours with the deepest throat

Linda

Enrique,

Sounds an interesting evening, how is Lars? The last time I saw him he was engaged to a moth, they were both very happy and would dance the tango under the streetlights accompanied by Lemmy on the piccolo. Happy days.

Wilhemina von Hilter (deceased)

How is Lars Larsson you ask? Or triple L as I call him. His middle name is also Lars. A name I attribute to the amount of Absolut his father drank prior to the christening. In himself he,s Ok despite the accident where his thumbs were part gnawed off by 3D printed tangerines.As for his mental state, who can tell? Last week I caught him wearing false eyelashes on his false teeth.

Quibble, quibble

Sven Gordon Ericsson

So glad to hear that the lashes-teeth look is coming back into fashion. I myself (and my neighbour, his friends, the postman, Pete Jockstrap, Susan, Pedro and uncle Sofa) have been, for to long, using the stilton/foreskin combo — it looked great but was a tad uncomfortable during job interviews.

O sole mio

Peter Himmler (also deceased)

As creative director for Vic Goering,s dancing troupe, I have always favoured variety packs of cereal and Chinese Terracotta Army figures as the look to have. Don,t get me wrong, I admire those like yourself prepared to put a lump of blue cheese under your knob, but at airports you rue that decision if you have left a bit of foil on it.

With Yuletid drawin, on, may I take this opportunity to state that badgers are a difficult fit for kettles.

Knerpen

Indeed, I have found that most mammals have a certain difficulty in the kettle department. This led me to sponser the chair ‘for advanced mammal/kitchen utensil research’ at the university of public toilets (third stall to the left) in Swindon. Our first paper “towards a weasel friendly blender” was well received by our fellow acamadecians in Nairobi but as you will recall resulted in the sputum riots of 1863. Our current research is directed towards the dressing of worms in the correct fashion for appearing on ‘ News ar Ten’ (bong).

With the utmost ear wax,

Kevin Mussolini

Marvellous work of course. I remember you sponsoring that chair. Regrettably I decided to sponsor the bedside table and quite frankly, it was useless! Never the less the body of work emanating from the third stall on the left bought tears to our eyes. Now you turn to worms? Such frivolity when all those Beluga Sturgeon have not yet mastered advanced TV remote control studies. I urge you to turn away from the path of easy cash ( I know how much the worms are paying you)and dedicate yourself to doing Pelican impersonations at the very least!!!

Kindest Regal shoes

Gary Layo

Apostolus,

How dare you! Pelican impressions indeed! You should know (from reading your Elizabeth D’Jism) that impersonating a pelican brings down the wrath of Umgobodongot’bumfest the all seeing god of the Scouserists. In no time at all I would be ostracised from the brotherhood of fraternal wallabies and lose my deposit. Further research will be continued but in a lemuric direction.

I remain, sir,

Your bumblest harpsichord

7

Anton de Sainsco

Dearest Sainsbury,

In point of fact, Elizabeth D,Jism,s book The origins of Turpentine, never denies the use of Pelican

Impersonations at times of national security or, whichever comes first, when Cliff Richard decides to mow his lawn. I,m sure the Wallabies won,t mind and you can always eat cheese.

I remain your loyal table tennis net,

Susan Richard ( in name only)

My dear Susan,

May I remind you of my aversion to his Cliffness, just the merest hint of a murmour of that cloaca causes me to hyperventilate (I have had to lie down for 2 hours just to be calm enough to send you this missive). As you know it was seeing my good friend Joseph of Luton fall from Beachy head whilst singing ‘Congratulations’ that resulted in me developing this syndrome. By adhering (strictly) to the current medical advice by wearing a strawberry in my left shoe and a Cos lettuce in the right I was close to living a normal life; I am afraid you have set me back by a goodly amount of time. I fear I may have to adopt the (medically) untried method currently in vogue in the Lesser Antilles isles and strap a parsnip to my nose, a cornflake to my left buttock and whistle ‘God save the Kaiser’ to the tune of Ace of Spades.

Here’s hoping it works

Peter Titmouse

Let me assure you that had I known of your aversion to his Quiffness, I would not have mentioned him at all and referred to him simply as Cloaca Woaca. Joseph of Luton is as much a conspiracy as that of JFKP nuts. I believe Adele has got secret powers and told I’m to bend over and stroke that bean paste salad under the second rock on the left.

Notwithstanding, I feel we are wondering off the point. Actually, there isn,t a point.. its more of a Squirrel,s rectum than point. Where were we? Oh yes. You will find them under the blue tray pretending to be the fifth floor escalator at Zach Bernsteins discount Wallpaper glue emporium.

Good luck with the therapy

Skirty

Jurgen,

In all seriousness you cannot be serious! The best of current academic knowledge currently available currently states that there is no such thing as a current — they are just bulimic raisins. I hope this clears the matter up.

HRH Kevin the greasy

Dearest Greasy,

Far from clearing the matter up. You shouldn,t do that sort of thing there anyway! As I have told you many times, the photograph of you shaking hands with Richard Nixon,s senior hat advisor cuts no mustard with me.It was his junior in fact, who went on to cause the Great Yellow Trilby outbreak of 73. How can you have been so taken in?

RHR

Grapeswich

Grapesy (me old mate),

I wondered when you would bring this up. I make 1 (yes 1) mistake back in ’73 and you use it as a branch to beat me for all eternity. I know I was taken in (I still have to live with the repurcussions) but just give it a rest. I suppose it never occurred to you that at the time I was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder brought about by having to set up my deckchair at the A617/A614 interchange — you try it, it’s not fun. If you fail to desist I will have no alternative but to call on my legal team (Cuthbert, Cuthbert, Cuthbert, Cuthbert, Cuthbert, Cuthbert & Snot) — you may have heard of them — the finest legal brains in all of the yoghurts in Sainsburys. We have in our possession some (very) incriminating photographic representations of you during the cottage cheese episode; if you would care for the same to be splashed all over the front page of ‘Pig Breeders Monthly’ (which would no doubt get picked up by ‘Ferrets in Lingerie’) then please continue to disseminate this shamefully disrespectful story.

I remain, Sir, pissed off at your insinuations (true as they are)

Humphrey Kevin Greasy (HRRH)

Oh God!

The cottage cheese episode was not my fault. How are you doing financially by the way? Do you need a holiday? I can get on to my travel agents Saville, Saville & Saville and sort out a 3 week trip to the Algarve where you can learn to make baskets from other baskets. Anything you want your HRRHRiness…just don,t blab to PBM. You know full well that Daxslaw, Lurpak and Coleslaw all read it. I would be ruined.

I only brought up the YellowTrilgate affair because Lars has started dipping his elbows in Imola,s sock drawer again.

HHrH the elder

Dear Mr Elder,

This could be getting out of control, the dipping of the elbows (particularly in a sock draw) could herald an elevation of blancmange in the interbrainal regions of his brain. Lars MUST be kept in a damp room but HAS to wear dry clothes for the blancmange levels to be reduced. He will need constant attention and reassurance — it may help to read him nursery rhymes whilst juggling petit pois. I cannot stress enough the need for calm, if he heads for the sock drawer gain (particularly with his elbows) we all know what can happen (I remind you of Knobby Knobs under the same circumstances).

Be patient but firm — you can him through this.

Quentin Dopleganger

I do of course remember the sad episode whereby Knobby was sent down, sent up and after a few curses, returned down again. Lars has for the past few years been kept in a room with a Cello in it, fed only on a strict diet of Green Tea with lumps of Branston pickle floating menacingly like foul miniature icebergs. I will consult his footman about the inclusion of dampness… you may be onto something. As for the nursery rhymes and calm, you suggest a strong deviation from the current regime of Motorhead and speed. Is this wise?

As always yours

Pliny the Elder…. although I must stress that I am by no means THAT old!

Dear Mr P. Liny,

With every Yin there is a corresponding Yang and (according to the oriental philosopher Bertrand Collins) the ideal ‘antidote’ to nursery rhymes is a large helping of Motorhead accompanied by a main course of the finest crystal meth that money can buy. Such a regime will improve Lars no end but on no account let him listen to ‘Ace of Spades’ it could re-ignite the Vegas fiasco all over again.

On a different note did you ever suspect that the reason that tigers have stripes is because they are wearing actual tiger skins — I have reason to believe that the creature we call a tiger is nothing more than a large moth dressed up as a tiger to intimidate people (and other moths). I will contact David Attenborough for clarification.

I remain (at least for the time being), Sir

Hippo P. Grubbenhacker

I,ve never trusted Moths! Loathsome, deceitful creatures. I once reckon I saw one pretending to be a gilded picture frame in the Uffizi Museum in Florence. Of course I complained bitterly to the curator but he did nothing more than throw me out onto the street like a common criminal. And now they are dressing up as Tigers, the sheer effrontery of these beasts!

Also on a different note,how many times have you used the letter K?

With utmost regards

Fetid Wardrobe

Dear Sir Ikea storage solution,

You may well ask how many time I have used the letter ‘K’, to the best of my knowledge it is not a state secret. In the last 5 minutes I have used the letter ‘K’ 4 times (not including the last ‘K’, which would make 5 in total) (if I then add on that other last ‘K’ I would be up to 6) (you can probably see how this could soon become tedious). As a general rule I refrain from using words that incorporate the letter ‘K’ and try to find alternatives:

Knickers — pants

Kick — punt

Knee — mid leg joint

Keep — retain

Kangaroo — jumping mouse that drinks Fosters

Kip — sleep

You get the idea.

I leave you safe in the understanding that you are now aware of the moth/tiger scenario and therefore unlikely to fall prey to such beast.

Please give Lars my marmalade, it should help his complexion no end.

Kevin Kenneth Keith Karl Klaus Kokkuruk (Dame)

Dearest Toddbingler,

I do of course admire your stance regarding the letter K. Your inventiveness in the economical use of it knows no boundaries… damn it I could have done better there.However how can you forgo using the gloriously descriptive utterance that is Klump? Yes, I say it again Klump! From the top of the highest hill in Westphalia, in the loudest of acclamations and, for a thousand times KLUMP I say.

I do take into account your tipping me off about the scam that the Moths are currently running and acknowledge ( damn, did it again) your efforts in bringing them all to justice.

I will indeed pass on the marmalade and probably pass on the grappen encrusted tents you also sent.

As always yours

Kevin (Goddamn it!) Philip