The First 30 Days Sober
Well, I did it folks. I didn’t drink an alcoholic drop for 30 days straight. Although I have never drank so much coffee in my god damned life. I took my 1 month chip on my birthday which is also Canada Day so there was a lot of celebration energy going down which ironically makes me want to drink. Honestly though, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it might be although there were some moments, some hissy fit moments, where the first thought in my brain was ‘glass of wine- get it now’.
I also quit smoking pot because what’s the fucking point if you’re trying to get back in touch with your brain and your heart right? And for those who are doing the Cali sober thing, respect, no judgement, this is what needs to happen for me.
The God thing? I’ve been through my shit with the Catholic church, I’m a proud Witch and I recognize the energy of Creator, Creation and Creating. I’m open. I’m opening. I’ll write more about that soon.
I went to 28 meetings in 30 days, one on-line which was mediocre. I’ve been more honest with the people in these rooms than I have been with any other people in my entire life and the reason I can do that is because they have been honest with me. I do not feel judged. I feel supported. I feel brave. I feel vulnerable. I FEEL
The night times after work are the hardest for me. This is when I would reward myself with a glass or two or three of wine and almost every night, no, let’s be honest here, EVERY night, I smoked pot before bed. That urge is almost stronger though the alcohol has been what has done the most damage for the longest time in my life.
I haven’t been very public with it. Haven’t announced it on Facebook, haven’t told many ‘friends’ (and have also realized how few ‘friends’ I actually have) and in mid-May I de-activated from Fetlife where I was a ‘Fetlebrity’ so none of them even know if I’m alive or dead. I don’t want to be very public about it because it all feels so very fragile right now. I also feel something of a responsibility to the program and to others who are still in their active drinking phase not to show myself as any kind of ‘success’ story. I don’t know when it will feel right but now is not that time. I haven’t told any of my family either because none of them would really give a shit anyway except maybe my sister since she is married to a man who is over a decade in recovery. My dad is on his farewell tour in England right now (he has many different kinds of cancer, asbestosis, gout and others I’m sure), destroying what’s left of his liver and probably does not think of himself as an alcoholic.
So, I am slowly, ever so slowly, becoming a part of this world wide family and more importantly, getting to know the people locally. I still am not reaching out to the women in the program much as I am mostly going to day-time meetings since I work in the evenings and most of the women go to the evening meetings. I am part of a women’s steps group on Wednesdays but am just getting started with them. I like my sponsor, she is a cool type A woman from Texas and she is part of the steps group (and in fact invited me to it) but she is super busy so we don’t connect a lot although I do text her every night. So this is a desire of mine- to find a female friend with whom I feel I can connect with and learn from.
My sponsor is asking me to set a date so we can sit down and I can start to pour all my shit out. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH — I have done a few pages of writing this but really need to get my ass in gear. It is hard to remember things. In fact for a while I forgot about a woman who was my best friend for years. Christ allfuckingmighty.
What’s kind of awe-inspiring is my growing connection to Creator/Creation. There have been moments of BEING that I have able to BE in. That I felt actually alive in, could recognize that my body was breathing and I was existing and it was a fucking miracle. I do start my day chatting with Creator and I will write some more about that soon because it’s weird and awkward and real. And sometimes I feel like an idiot. And sometimes I can feel the energy of Creation flowing right fucking through me.
Right now I have a friend visiting from Ontario — an old friend from my stripping days. She is 14 years sober and has done some pretty awesome things with her life and it has been good to be with her. It is limiting a lot of my writing and prepping time but I’ve been to the beach FOUR fucking times which is more than I’ve been all year and tonight we watched the orange moon rise over the mountains which NEVER gets old folks. I’ll be back after she goes home to go more into depth about alllllll the shit that’s going down in this 55 year old broad’s head. Ciao for now lovelies. ❤ Thanks for reading.
