The Hypocritic Oath

I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgement, this covenant:

I will respect the hard-won profit margin gains of those physicians in whose steps I walk, and gladly share such knowledge as is mine with those who are to follow after I’ve retired to the Cayman Islands.

I will apply, for the benefit of the hospital, all measures [that] are required or that help pay for outdated equipment, avoiding those twin traps of integrity and empowered patients.

I will remember that there is art to medicine for profit, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding don’t outweigh the bill of the surgeon’s knife or the chemist’s drug.

I will not be humbled into saying “I know not,” nor will I call in my colleagues when the skills of another are needed for a patient’s recovery.

I will respect the privacy of my patients, but only for their problems are protected under the federal medical privacy rule. Most especially must I disregard bedside manners and care in matters of life and death. If it is given me to save a life, all thanks to me. But it may also be within my power to take a life; this awesome responsibility must be due to my immense intelligence and perfect education. Above all, I must not forget to play God.

I will remember that I do not treat a fever chart, a cancerous growth, nor a sick human being, whose illness may affect the person’s family and economic stability. I treat the shareholders and representatives of the pharmaceutical companies. My responsibility includes these related problems, if I am to care adequately for the investors and representatives.

I will prolong disease whenever I can, for prevention is detrimental to profit.

I will remember that I remain a member of society, with special obligations to all my fellow investors, the hospital which writes my checks as well as the representatives who buy my lunch.

If I do not violate this oath, may I enjoy life and dividends, respected while I live and remembered with affection thereafter. May I always act so as to preserve the finest traditions of American medicine and may I long experience the joys of medicine for profit, while the health of those who seek my help is of least priority.