The C-Word

On Saturday, I was facing down my audition that afternoon and interviews for jobs paying Actual American Dollars yesterday and today.

I was freaking inside. I still am, as I really want the job today’s interview is about. Since I hadn’t had my nails done in an age and live my life by the dictates of Elle Woods, I headed for my nearest salon. Some self-care would calm me down, I thought.

The manicure wasn’t anything unusual. The tech and I chatted about visiting Gaitlinburg, Tenn. and the song “#SELFIE,” as she painted my nails. “I was laughing so hard my eye makeup was gone! That song could be about half the people who work here!” she said of “#SELFIE.” When she finished, she gave me the latest issue of People and disappeared.

When I got to the cash register downstairs, the employee complimented me on the color of my nails as I prepared to pay. “Thanks! The color is Taupe-” I said. “That will be twenty-five dollars,” she said.

I was flummoxed at her rudeness. Would it have killed her to listen to the full name of my nail polish? The next mistake I made was to attribute her attitude to my weight. Luckily, I got over myself. How dare she think she’s better than me at all? We’re all human.

In the past, I haven’t been so lucky when others have behaved badly toward me. I assumed that I was at fault because of my weight or something I said or the way I looked or some other real or imagined deficiency on my part. This led to a wicked case of depression, which is controlled these days with some meds and changed thinking on my part.

But I have trouble being confident all day, every day. I’m very brave, yes, but confident? Not so much. I don’t have a lot of things in my life that I do well except for writing and talking in front of people. Also, I come from Wisconsin, where we don’t talk ourselves up very much when we do well. It’s Simply Not Done.

I know that I will have to know my worth no matter the circumstances to lose weight and maintain whatever weight I land on. But I am unsure how to do it. Affirmations kind of make me choke as I say them. Maybe the answer is to keep on experiencing and living life and taking it as it comes? How do you build confidence in your worth and abilities? The comments section is looking for your suggestions.

(This essay was originally published on a long-forgotten blog in 2014. Did you like it? Flick the little heart below.)

“Confidence” by Glenda Sims